Marcus focused more intently on the tattoo as he asked, “How does somebody develop BPD?”
“Usually, it happens due to childhood trauma. Being in an unstable household and that sort of thing.”
“That doesn’t make sense,” he argued. “I had really good parents, so I can’t have it. My childhood was overwhelmingly positive, as far as my family goes.”
“Usually, people with BPD have abusive or narcissistic parents, but that isn’t always the case. Your parents might’ve loved you so much and been so overprotective that it started to become intrusive, and that made it hard for you to understand what you needed emotionally.”
“Having helicopter parents isn’t enough to cause this kind of mental pain,” Marcus argued. “There’s gotta be some traumatic event in my past that caused all of this.”
“Maybe it’s trauma you don’t remember, because you were too little. But it could’ve had a big effect on your development,” I said. “Do you know if there was anything bad that happened to you when you were a toddler, or even younger?”
He seemed contemplative. “Well, my brother died when I was young, but that wasn’t the only thing. When I spoke to my parents, and they told me they knew I was a demigod all this time, they explained somethingbadhappened to me when I was an infant. That’s when I was cursed so they couldn’t tell me what they knew about my powers. Apparently, it was terrible enough that I summoned my god Santos to protect myself. I was in danger, and people were hurting me.”
Marcus acted like nothing bad had ever happened to him in his childhood, but he’d just listed off so many things that could be the cause of his struggles.
“You don’t have to give any details on what happened,” I said quickly. “But if what your parents say is true, then it explains why you’re hurting so badly. Most of our personality, and our insecurities, are formed before the age of five. My concern here is that BPD is usually formed from consistent trauma over a long period of time, and not just one instance. There are also genetic factors which can make you more likely to develop BPD even if you came from a good family. High emotional sensitivity can be an inherited trait, and that doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing, but it can lead to problems if it’s not managed well. But maybe we’re not looking at the big picture. There’s not necessarily clear causes for a lot of mental illnesses, and that could apply here.”
Marcus scoffed. “I’ve been fucked up since I came out. I’ve always struggled with depression and stuff like that, even when I was a little kid. Other kids picked on and bullied me mercilessly because I just didn’t come out right. How I was as a child isn’t normal.”
“Well, I was diagnosed with bipolar really young, far younger than usual. Typically, bipolar isn’t recognized until late teens or early twenties, and I was having severe symptoms by the time I could talk,” I pointed out. “Marcus, we know having demigod abilities fucks with our brain chemistry. It wouldn’t be unusual for your magic to mess with your brain, like my abilities worsen my bipolar. And you killed eleven people by accident when you were eighteen, which probably made it worse. You were barely an adult, and it was really traumatic. Do you realize you probably have PTSD on top of all of this? It might not be just one thing, but a lot of different things contributing to how you feel. The trauma from your infancy, your demigod powers messing with your brain chemistry, the bullying when you were younger, and potentially, trauma from your past lives could all be contributing to why you feel this way.”
His response was thoughtful. “I guess that’s true. But if I really do have BPD, it’s not fair, and it’s not okay for you to have bipolar, either. Why did we get the shitty end of the stick? Charlie doesn’t have to deal with this. He’s fine.”
I nearly scoffed, because whatever Charlie was, he was neverfine.“He does have to deal with it. He doesn’t have BPD, but he gets angry and destructive. It’s just in a different way. And Kallie struggles, too. But this is how you personally struggle.”
His lip quivered. “I want to be with Kallie, but it’s like Ican’t.”
“Marcus, I really need you to hear me right now.” I reached out to lay a hand on his arm, and he stopped drawing long enough to look up. “This isn’t about Kallie. This is about your mental health. You’re really sick. You need help. I’m worried you’re not going to be around if this goes on for much longer. And no matter how bad things have ended up between you and Kallie, I want you to get treated for what’s bothering you. Because despite what happened, I can’t handle losing another friend. And none of us want to lose you, because your life is worth more than what you’re willing to admit. You’vealwaysmattered. So as much as you think everyone else has given up on you, don’t give up on yourself.”
His eyes watered. “Can you promise me that it gets better?”
“I think it does. And it gets worse. Then it gets better again. Bipolar is shitty, and having BPD can be just as awful. But I still think life is worth living with it. There are ups and downs, but this world is so big and beautiful. It’s not worth missing out on just because our brains are being assholes.”
I paused before I added, “People who have borderline personality also fixate and obsess about one certain relationship. They choose somebody called afavorite personwho they idolize and rely on for constant validation and comfort, but they typically blame the favorite person whenever they feel insecure.The BPD individual craves the favorite person’s attention, but when they’re triggered, the one with BPD will test the favorite person and push them away to see if they’re going to leave or not. And I think we know who your favorite person is… and how you’ve been treating her.”
“If that’s true, then I can’t have BPD, because I only push Kallie away,” Marcus said. “I don’t think she can love a guy like me.”
“That’s the BPD talking,” I replied gently. "Marcus, youdidlatch on to Kallie. She's the person you seek all your love and adoration from, but at the same time, you don't believe it when she shows it. You also don't believe you can ask for validation, because you think that if you do, it doesn't count. You pushed her away because you wanted to see her fight harder for you, but that only became a self-fulfilling prophecy. She loved you so much, and it became too exhausting for her to give her love to someone who didn't receive it.”
Marcus dropped his gaze. "It's all my fault, then.”
"I'm not saying that, and I don't think it's helpful to think that way,” I told him. “Relationships take work from both sides, and there were times when Kallie didn't treat you right, either. Having a greater understanding of this isn't about assigning blame, but about acknowledging the role you played and taking responsibility for making improvements. It's important to recognize what was helpful and what was harmful. With that understanding, you can find the right tools that will help you in the future. Neither of you have to excuse how you treated each other, but you do have to forgive yourselves, because you can't move forward if you're resentful towards Kallie or yourself. It's about getting the help you need, Marcus."
His hands shook, but he took a moment to calm them before he returned to working on the tattoo. “Do you think me having BPD is the reason I lost it at the Institute when we broke out?”
I didn’t know. Marcus had turned into someone else that night, and from what he said, he couldn’t remember going manic and developing a personality that was so contradictory to himself. But I had struggles remembering things when I developed psychosis, too.
“I'm not saying that psychosis episode was related to you having BPD,” I started. “But the thing is… if a mental illness gets bad enough, almostallof them can result in people hearing or seeing things, even with something as common as depression. That's why it’s really important to get some sort of treatment, because the longer you let it go, the worse it can get. You just get more and more paranoid, and more scared, and upset. Eventually your mind starts making up shit that's not there because you’re sick and not getting help. It's like the progression of any disease. And I think you're at a point where you can’t handle this by yourself.”
Marcus nodded. “I can agree with that. There’s something dark within me that I don't understand, and I don't think it’s related to whatever’s going on in my head. Back there, when we were breaking out, it was like somethingelse…took over me.”
“Maybe it wasn’t BPD. Maybe it wasn’t even a psychotic episode,” I suggested. “Maybe it was the villain inside of you, coming out to protect yourself and all of us.”
“I agree with that,” he added. “Everything you’ve said so far about BPD makes sense, except for this. I don’t think that episode and what’s going on in my head are related.”
“Do you think it was magical?”
“Possibly. That’s what it felt like. It didn’t seem like something that was going on inside my head, or something I was being possessed by, but something my demigod magic waschanneling. I’m not really sure what happened.”
