“It’s a difference in culture,” I responded. It was in fae nature to criticize and complain constantly; they had high standards that no one on this earth could attain, but they still expected perfection even when it was impossible to achieve. Elvish society was run more like a mob, where any disapproval of the monarchy was dealt with swiftly, either through condemnation of society or… literally.
When we got out of the hot tub, girls started handing me gifts. I unwrapped a rainbow popsicle dick, designer makeup, a silk robe with slippers that I could use to get ready on my big day, and a bridal emergency kit, with all the little things I could need at the last minute before I walked down the aisle.
“This is great, you guys. You really know how to make a girl feel special,” I swooned, surrounded by wrapping paper.
“Hold on. We’ve saved the best for last,” Kallie teased, turning a corner.
I was curious. What could it be? But then my jaw dropped open, and my breath was stolen from my lungs as Kallie came out from behind the corner, bouncing in on a big, blow-up, six-foot tall penis.
“Meet Perky Peter,” Kallie said proudly, and she stood the blow-up in front of me. “He’sveryhappy to see you.”
Tears came to my eyes and almost spilled over as I gazed at the magnificent monument to masculinity standing before me. By the ancestors. It was sobeautiful.I’d never received such an outstanding gift.
“I love it!” I wrapped my arms around the blow-up and squeezed it as hard as I could, smushing my face into it.
“Geez, don’t pop it,” Kallie grumbled. “It took me thirty minutes to blow it up with air.”
“It ain’t the longest your mouth’s been on one, cupcake,” Ivy quipped, and Opal spat out her drink.
“Did you think about what you’re going to get the prince for a wedding present?” Abigail asked, nibbling on a piece of chocolate. She handed one to me, and I took it, chewing on the caramel.
“I’m not sure. I know he’s got something big planned for me,” I mused.
“Is it in his pants?” Ivy asked. Opal giggled as she cleaned up the mess she spat out with a napkin.
“Most brides do boudoir photos, but… oh.” Abigail’s face fell, like she hadn’t realized what she’d said until she’d already spoken it out loud.
“I know,” I said regretfully. “It’d be nice to dress up in lingerie and take sexy pictures for him, but he can’t see them. So that idea’s a bust.”
“Maybe you can in your own way,” Kallie offered. “His hearing still works, after all.”
Inspiration hit me like a flooding wave, and a satisfied smile spread over my face. I clinked my glass together with hers. “Kallie, you are a genius.”
The girls took turns hopping around the edge of the pool on Perky Peter. Ivy bounced a littletooeagerly and went floundering into the pool. I laughed so hard it was difficult to breathe.
As the afternoon grew long, the door to the Ladies’ Court opened, and in walked my Grandmother Eleanor. Grandmother saw me clutching Perky Peter proudly as I wheeled around the snack table and gave a long, drawn-out sigh. “Ava, my dear, it’s time to move the party on to other events. I expected you fifteen minutes ago. You need to pick out your wedding dress. The wedding is two weeks away.”
“But I can’t find anything I like,” I whined.
Not for lack of trying— the Elves had brought me dozens of wedding dresses to try on since I’d gotten engaged, and I didn’t like all of them. They were all extravagant, gorgeous, beautiful… but they weren’tme.I knew my friends were tired of watching me try stuff on and wanted me to pick something already, but they didn’t understand. This was my wedding, and I wanted my dress to tell the world who I was, not only as a person, but as the future Empress of Ilamanthe. My dress would be the topic of conversation throughout the empire for years to come, so it had to be just right.
“I think I may have a solution,” Grandmother offered. “Though it’s only an option. I won’t be upset if you say no.”
I was intrigued. “Where is it?”
“In my sewing room. We can go there now, if you wish.”
“Okay!” I balanced Perky Peter on my lap and attempted to wheel forward clumsily. It tottered off and bounced on the ground.
Grandmother rolled her eyes. “I amnotallowing you to accompany me to my room while you are in possession of that obscene object.”
“Come on! Everyone should see how grand he is!” I objected.
She narrowed her eyes. “Leave it, Ava.”
I grumbled, but propped Perky Peter against a wall and promised him I’d be back later. My friends followed me to my grandmother’s suite, which was a few halls down fromthe Ladies’ Court. When we stepped inside her quarters, my grandfather was at the kitchen table, hunched over a group of artifacts. He waved, and I suppressed a giggle. It was a missed opportunity my grandfather hadn’t seen me carry in a six-foot blow-up dick. He probably would’ve fallen on the floor.
“Here it is,” Grandmother said as we entered her sewing room, and she turned on the lights. “What do you think?”
