Daddy remained silent. My voice broke as I stammered, “When I gave him the papers, he refused to sign them. He tried to force me into staying in this marriage because it makes him uncomfortable for me to leave him. And now…”
I gripped the bow tightly, willing it to give me strength. “So much time has passed that he’s just giving up. He’s not convincing me that he loves me— he’s just convincing me that he doesn’t want me to leave him. Those are two different things. This divorce makes him uncomfortable, but he’s got to get uncomfortable to fix this. He wants to run away instead of facing our problems. I want him to fight for me. All he’s doing is allowing me to leave, without giving me reasons why I should stay.”
“Have you given him any reasons why he should think you want him to?” Daddy asked.
I shook my head. “No. But I can’t do that until I’ve made up my mind.”
“Why do you need to make an ultimate, irreversible decision before you’ve even given this a shot?”
“Because it’s the responsible thing to do, to prevent us from hurting each other worse than we already have. Either we’re going to be together and raise this child, or I’m leaving them both behind me. It’s too painful to keep trying when I’m the only one who is.”
“Do you think it’s fair Casey has to grow up without a mother, because what happened between you and Charlie is too painful to face?” Daddy asked softly.
I shook my head. “No. I don’t want to do that to Casey. But it’s a far worse reality for a child to be raised in a home where they’re unwanted and unloved by their parent than it is for them to be given to people who will truly care about them. Casey’s going to know I don’t want him. Even if I say nothing, he’ll be able to feel it.”
“That’s true. Sometimes, adoption is the better choice, and the right decision for everyone. Casey deserves to grow up in a place where he’s wanted. But is giving him up the right choice for you?”
“There’s no choice to make here, because the facts are obvious. I’m not fit to be a parent. I’m going to be a bad mom. I know I am. It’s better if he doesn’t come anywhere near me.”
“You are a wonderful daughter, a fierce friend, a very loving wife, and an overall good person, despite all your flaws. What makes you think you’ll be a terrible mother?” Daddy asked.
“This is a child’s life. I can’t make good decisions for myself, so how can I make them for a baby?”
“Because you don’t have a choice,” Daddy prodded. “You’re going to be the one who decides how he’s raised, Ava, whether that be with you, with Charlie, or with someone else. The best scenario is with you and Charlie together, but I need to know that’s what you want. Because otherwise, you’re creating a broken home for that child to grow up in, and a marriage that’s nothing but suffering for his parents.”
He leaned closer. “And for as much as you say you don’t care about this child, if that was true, you wouldn’t be falling apart under the pressure to do what’s best for him. You’d just choose the quickest method to run away, and you’re not doing that.”
“I am running away. I can’t even visit him without feeling disgusted,” I said bitterly.
“You’re thinking about letting him go so he can get whatever he needs, no matter what happens to you because of that choice. There’s no greater sacrifice a parent can make than that.”
My sigh was shaky. “I can’t be a good mom when I’m as sick as I am. And that means sick in the head, not in the body. I’m too mentally unwell to be a fit mother. Casey needs me to be better, and I can’t be. So it’s best to just let him go.”
Daddy paused. He didn’t say anything right away, as if weighing his options, before his next words shook me.
“You know, I had a lot of mental health struggles, too,” Daddy admitted. “I was worried about what kind of parent I’d be as well. And I think you guys turned out all right.”
“What are you talking about? You never told me about this,” I said, baffled.
“Because I didn’t want you to carry that burden, but I think it’s time you knew,” Daddy said. “I wasn’t the most mentally stable when you showed up, either.”
I supposed it made sense. My dad had experienced a great loss before he met my mother, and they’d survived a war, and had lost so many people they loved along the way. I shouldn’t be surprised.
“So what are you saying? You were depressed or something?”
“Or something. And a lot else,” Daddy confirmed. “Your mother caught me in the middle of a suicide attempt when we were in school.”
I was rendered speechless. I’d never known my father had gone through something that dark. “What would you have done?”
“Without her there? I would’ve jumped,” Daddy said. “But if I had done that, there would be no you, your siblings wouldn’t exist, and the Hawkei Civil War would’ve been lost, because I wouldn’t have been there. Your mother and all my friends would’ve died, because I wouldn’t have been there to fight alongside them. I don’t put a lot of stock in the worth of my life, even as a chief. Never have. But even I have to admit that if I had chosen to end my existence, the world would be a very different place than it is now.”
My father’s confession shifted my entire perspective. If I had taken that potion in the gardens, Casey wouldn’t be here. My father was a great chief, a powerful man, and the best dad in the entire world. He always had been. I would’ve never guessed he had any mental health issues if he hadn’t told me. If he could work through his trauma and get to the other side of it… so could I.
“You think there’s hope for me?” I asked.
“Of course I do. You’re a strong warrior, but you can’t fight all your battles alone. When I was going through the worst time in my life, I had my friends to lift me up and carry me when I could no longer carry myself. Your mother was the one who got me through it all. And Charlie’s the man who’s always been the one to carry you.”
His words were deeply true. I’d survived the Institute, my spinal injury, torture, and the worst the Warden could throw at me because Charlie had gotten me through it. I’d helped him survive, too. We’d gotten each other through a lot, and that was hard to forget.
