If Ava didn’t feel safe with me, how could she continue to love me? She couldn’t. It was impossible for a woman to love someone she was afraid of, no matter how hard she tried. And I’d been doing nothing since she’d thrown those papers at me except insult her, blame her, and accuse her of wanting to wound me, when really, she just wanted to feel safe in my arms again.
For the first time, I really really thought about the situation without looking through the lens of guilt, and without placing blame upon myself. I saw what had really happened— the truth of what I’d done to her, and who she’d been forced to become in the aftermath. What her fear of me had turned her into.
People rarely did things to hurt others, and Ava never did. If she did something bad, it was because she was scared. Ava had been afraid all her life. How could I blame her for doing whatever it took to get by? If she’d made an agreement with herself to do anything to get through the day, and I’d threatened that peace, maybe I deserved what I’d got.
I couldn’t blame her for serving me those divorce papers. I’d have done it too if the roles were reversed. I understood then why Ava wasn’t able to be honest with me, and why I couldn’t blame her for it. Ava couldn’t admit what she wanted to herself, let alone to me, because to do so put her in danger. It meant opening her heart to the monster who’d already consumed it once before, and by hell, I didn’t want her to feel unsafe anymore.
I’d spent so long clinging to the demon I’d become as a way to punish myself, and it was only perpetuating harm to us both. I’d promised to protect her. I needed to become that shield again.
“You’re right,” I whispered, giving a shudder against the rock. “I feel terrible. I didn’t just break our bond and shatter our world. I failed to pick up the pieces in the aftermath. And failing to repair what I broke is worse than what I did in the first place. I ruined our marriage, but I haven’t tried to fix it.”
“You’re almost there,” Liam encouraged. “Keep going.”
I couldn’t feel my fingers anymore, but I kept moving forward, using my connection to Earth to feel where my hands landed on the rock. My arms were on the verge of giving out, and my legs shook as I climbed higher.
“Ava knows if I leave… I’ll be taking her heart with me,” I choked out. “She believes that no heart at all is better than one that’s been torn to pieces, so it’s better to send me away with it. She doesn’t want to feel anymore, because it’s safer to feel numb.”
I forced down a lump in my throat. “I thought that to make this right and give her heart back, I had to remove myself from this relationship. But she gave up her heart to me long ago, and I can’t leave without taking it with me.”
One hand over the other, I told myself. Because that was the only way past this shitty situation. Through.
I kept climbing, talking aloud to organize my thoughts. “But the only way to restore her heart is to put it back together one piece at a time. And once it’s back together— once it’s hers again— she can decide what to do with it. It’s up to her to take me or leave me, but at least I can give her back what I took before I go. I can make her feel safe again.”
I shook. “It will never be restored to what it once was… but at least it’ll be hers. And she’ll get to decide what to do with it. Not me.”
I reached a ledge, something high and flat. The air up here was thin, and I could hardly breathe. I climbed over the edge and collapsed onto my back, gasping for breath that only burned my lungs.
“You’re done,” Liam said.
“No,” I rasped, reaching out with shaking hands for the next rock. My hands met nothing but empty air— freezing sky that felt like needles in my chest. “I won’t stop until I make it to the top.”
Liam slid off Julian’s back. “It wasn’t a question, kid. You’re done. You’ve made it to the top.”
He grabbed my outstretched hand and pulled me upright to a sitting position. Dazed, I turned my head from one direction then the other to listen to the wind. Reaching out with my Earth magic, I sensed only rock beneath me and air above.
“Hell, you aren’t messing with me,” I breathed. “I made it to the summit.”
Liam clapped me on the back, and something inside of me broke. I’d built up so many walls that came tumbling down all at once, causing a flood of emotion to release in a series of wracking sobs. I was a blubbering mess, with tears and snot running down my face, but I didn’t go to wipe them away. I desperately needed to get it all out here on this mountaintop, because I couldn’t return to the palace the same man I left it. I had to come back as someone new— for my sake as much as Ava’s.
This fight had gone on for too long, and we couldn’t keep it up. It’d already broken us. Our family had been shattered, but Ava and I had always been two broken people. It was time to stop trying to stab each other with the jagged pieces and learn how to fit our broken shards together to create something new. We’d done it before, but this time would be different, because previously, we’d clung to all the pieces trying to make them work. This time, there were pieces we needed to throw away entirely.
And the rest? We had to break them down even further if we were to fit them back together again.
I’d already broken myself into millions of pieces, but now that I was pulverized to dust, it was my job to fill in her missing cracks.
Julian curled his massive body around the two of us, shielding us from the wind. My back pressed against his warm scales, and his hot breath warmed my numb fingers.
“Look what you did!” Liam exclaimed. “You made it. That wouldn’t have happened unless you allowed yourself to get deeply uncomfortable. How does it feel?”
I leaned my head against Julian as the discomfort of the blizzard melted away. “It feels like I just climbed a mountain in the middle of a blizzard,” I said with a laugh.
Then I paused, to really think about it. “It feels… good. Good to know I made it, and a good reminder that discomfort doesn’t have to last forever. Good that I at least tried.”
“That’s enough for me,” Liam said. “You’ve convinced me you’re willing to do what it takes. Now let’s get you back to the palace and warm you up.”
We climbed onto Julian’s back again, and he took off. The snow had turned to sheets of ice that pelted us from every angle, but Julian navigated the skies with ease. Though it was cold as fuck, I allowed myself to sit in the discomfort, because I knew it wouldn’t last forever.
We landed in the courtyard, but I hesitated to depart.
