My mind formulated a plan. I had to go to a place where my loved ones wouldn’t find me. Somewhere a guard or a servant would make the discovery, and definitely not someone I cared about. I felt sorry for the poor soul who’d stumble upon me, but secretly, I hoped nobody ever would. My corpse would decompose and my skeleton would be exposed to the elements, ivy vines and roses wrapping around my skull, my femur, my pelvis, laying there forgotten until the end of time.
It’d be poetic. Perfect. No one would remember me and no one would mourn. I didn’t want them to. I wished to have no fragment of me at all that remained, no function, no memory. Here one moment and gone the next, like the world and the universe were meant to do. My life and existence didn’t matter, and I’d been foolish for believing they did. I was nothing but dust carried away by the wind, and eventually, everything I loved would rot, too. Might as well get it over with instead of continuing to sit here dwelling on it all, watching it all go down in flames.
I didn’t want to be left abandoned in the ashes. I wanted to go up in smoke with everything else, and it was my right to make that choice.
Two bad decisions in one night? Maybe. But I wasn’t bitching out on this decision like I had the first. Taking myself out would be easier than committing adultery.
I had options for how to do this, but I didn’t want it to hurt, and I didn’t want anyone picking up after me. I could only think of one way that would be quick and painless, and wouldn’t leave a mess. Nobody needed to clean up whatever I’d leave behind.
I’d checked earlier, and Alistair didn’t have what I needed in his stores, which meant I needed to brew this myself. I had a personal stash of potion ingredients in the palace’s alchemy lab, and I was allowed full access. I could get exactly what I needed.
“Stay here,” I told the guard once she brought me to the lab. She obeyed, standing watch at the door. I proceeded to the nearest cauldron, yanking leaves off of plants and pulling bottles down from shelves as I turned the faucet on, filling the basin. I threw ingredients into the cauldron, working in a fever. “Foxsglove. Monkshood. Belladonna.”
None of these deadly herbs were anything you’d want to consume, even if you wished to die. Once ingested, they’d have horrible side effects that lasted long before you perished. Vomiting, unbearable pains, seizures, perhaps even hallucinations for hours before you finally corked off in a fit of agony. All terrible ways to die, really. But the effects would be negated by the addition of Black Ivy, which would slowly render me into a soft slumber until my heart stopped. A sleeping draft of death, really. Whoever discovered me would believe I was merely resting, until they realized I was failing to wake.
Black Ivy was banned from the palace, but the alchemists kept a very small supply they could use to add to potions just in case the monarchy ordered a poison to be made. It was in a locked cabinet, which I broke into using a passcode that I’d stolen months earlier.
Cassiel had been wise, but I was smarter than his contingency plans, and I think he knew that. I’d kept little things hidden away from him and everyone else just in case I needed to use any of that wisdom in an emergency. No point hiding it anymore.
There were only a few jars of Black Ivy. I took it all, tossing it into the pot. I stirred it twice, keeping a careful eye on the timer, boiling once and allowing it to cool before pouring it into a glass vial.
I didn’t think or feel during this entire process. Now that I’d made the decision to get this over with, the voices were quiet.
Guess they were finally getting what they wanted. It was almost worth it just to shut them up.
There was a separate exit to the alchemy room. I took it, leaving the guard behind. I prayed she wouldn’t get punished after I was found, but knowing Cameron and his jackass council, they’d make her pay dearly for allowing the princess to off herself on her watch.
It couldn’t be helped. If there was one person left who was harmed by my actions, it was one too many, but at least it would only be one, for now and the rest of eternity. That wouldn’t be the case if I didn’t die here and now. I’d continue to destroy people if this wasn’t done.
The gardens were a lovely place to take my final rest. It was difficult, rolling through the grass and hiding behind a grouping of rose bushes, but at least I was out of sight.
I shook the potion again, making sure the ingredients were blended before I uncorked the flask. I didn’t have a soul anymore since Charlie severed our bond, so I better not exist after I drank this, or I’d be really fucking pissed. Goodbye, everyone. It’s been one shitty ride.
Surrounded by thorns and fallen red petals, I slowly raised the bottle to my lips.
“You gonna take a second to think about what you’re doing?”
I paused. The glass hadn’t touched my mouth before he’d spoken.
Marcus. He was standing at the edge of the rose briar, looking bummed as all hell and staring at me.
He must’ve been the person talking to Charlie back in his quarters. He’d heard me close the door and come after me. Damn him.
I let the potion drop. “Don’t try to stop me. This is what needs to be done.”
“I know you think that now.” He sat on the ground, crossing his legs. “But you’re gonna realize you’ve made a mistake once you wake up dead.”
“There is no waking up for me, because I don’t have a soul anymore. I’ll drink this and it’ll be over.”
“That’s a long shot for something you don’t know for certain. And out of all the decisions you could make, this is one you really don’t want to mess up.”
“It’s not like I can fuck it up more than what I already have.”
“You can if you do this, because you’re denying yourself any chance you have of fixing it.”
“Don’t sit there and act like you understand. I don’t have any magic. What am I, if I can’t be who I am?”
“You clearly just brewed an excellent death potion.”
