I sat in the tub for a long time and let the water go cold, staring at nothing but the ceiling tile until I went numb. Everything inevitably hit me when I recalled the stricken look on Charlie’s face when I told him I’d tried to choose someone else over him.
I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t stay, I couldn’t go. I couldn’t do anything but wait to die. That’s when the numbness vanished, the agony returned, and I sank down into the water and cried.
Everything had collapsed. I felt like dying, but for some useless reason, I was still here. Unable to decide what I wanted, unable to perceive a future with Charlie in it, and unable to see what my life would look like without him.
All I wanted to do was disappear. Why wouldn’t the world let me?
The door creaked open. I sniffed, hastily stopping my tears. I didn’t realize how loud I was being. I’d tried to be quiet, but he could probably hear my sobs from outside the door.
Charlie had his hands in his pockets, leaning against the doorframe. He said nothing, just waited, trying to decide… something.
This man confused me to no end. I was exhausted from dealing with him. I wanted him to leave me alone so I could drown in my sorrows and wait to suffocate.
“Do you…” He cleared his throat, voice hoarse. “What do you need from me?”
I didn’t respond, because what I recklessly desired, what I wanted to beg and plead for, would be cruel to say.
I hated him. I hated how much I wanted him to give me everything I craved. I needed him to love me as badly as I wanted him to walk away, and I was caught in the space in between.
I was tired, and really depressed, and honestly, I just wanted sex. I’d take feeling anything over feeling like this, and using my body for an escape was the easiest way.
But I remained silent, daring him to keep trying— to show me he would keep fighting for me, even when a part of me whispered that he needed to lay down his sword and give up the battle.
I couldn't tell him to go away. If this was truly the end of our marriage, I wanted to get one last round of pleasure in before the end. What could it hurt? We were already broken beyond repair. There was nothing more we could say to each other. Both of us were terrified of whatever was coming next, because we wouldn’t have anything once this love story between us inevitably ended. There was no future for him and me, we both knew that. We couldn’t forgive.
But we could live in a fantasy, just for tonight. We could act like none of this was happening, lie to each other, refuse to be honest and act like this was going somewhere. Be less than spouses, more than friends.
I was never going to love another man anyway. Not after him. He was the only one for me, and always would he.
If it wasn’t Charlie, it wasn’t anybody. My obsession with this man and his ability to make me high on nothing but his touch was a sickness I’d never recover from. I was prepared to be alone forever once we finally went our separate ways. But perhaps he could give me one last memory to cherish for the rest of my life, until I was an old woman reminiscing on times long past. It was important how we decided to bring this to its conclusion, and if this was our last night together, I wanted to remember us like this. Young, passionate, lost in lust and acting like our love mattered. If this was the last time I ever shared my body, I wanted to make it count, so that it lasted for the rest of forever.
Fuck it. I dared to speak the words before I fully comprehended them. “I want you to fuck me.”
Charlie balked, struggling to speak. “What? No, you don’t want that.”
“Don’t tell me what I do and don’t want,” I said forcefully. “We’re over with, but I’ll take anything over feeling like this, and I’m sure you would, too. So let’s forget about what happened and just play pretend.”
The water sloshed as I moved toward the edge of the tub. “Give me one last night so I can remember what it was like. One final goodbye, then we can sign those papers and go our separate ways. That’s all I’m asking.”
“I can’t do that,” Charlie insisted. “Ava, this is fucked up.”
“The only way I know how to be loved is if it’s fucked up,” I spat bluntly. “Screwing one more time isn’t going to change things, so we might as well enjoy one last round. I’m sick of going around in circles with this conversation, whether we should figure it out or leave each other in the past. It’s going nowhere, because this situation isn’t fixable. This is the only choice within our control. Either take me to bed so I can try to forget, or leave me alone. It’s up to you.”
Charlie paused, thinking it over. He slowly approached the tub, falling to his knees. “If that’s what I have to do to make this hurt less, then I’m going to give you the biggest mind-fuck you’ve ever had.”
Charlie gently grasped my chin and kissed me. It wasn’t the same as it had been before, but something new and exciting. I kissed him back, running my fingers through his hair as I drank him in. His lips moved over my neck, and a shiver laced up my spine. Fucking finally. Something was happening, and whether it was off-limits or sacred wasn’t important. Just as long I didn’t feel like wilting away anymore.
While he was kissing me, he lifted me out of the bathtub, leaving me completely exposed against him. He was still fully clothed, but I was here, braced up against his body and fully naked. He carried me out of the bathroom, and the tempo our mouths made increased to a fever, devouring me alive with nothing but sensation and not thought.
The bedroom was vacant. I didn’t know where Oberi had run off to, if he approved or not, but so be it. This was happening, because I didn’t want to think anymore, and neither did my soon-to-be ex-husband. Once he put me down on the bed, he began stripping off clothes, his suit jacket, his shirt, his pants. I observed his bare body with greedy eyes, reaching out to brush trembling fingers across his skin. I might as well be sharing my bed with someone totally new, because I didn’t know this man, and he didn’t know me. We were two strangers, connecting for the first time.
He tumbled into the bed beside me, and our bodies collided like fire and gasoline. This is what happened when an immovable force met an unstoppable object. We rolled over, sweating with ecstasy as we frantically grasped at each other. His length pressed against my hip, and I wanted to open wide for him.
Charlie slipped a hand down to touch me. His fingers stroked my clit, and the sensation rattled my senses. It usually took so long to get me off, but after weeks with no touch, I was a live wire waiting to spark. I gave a soft groan, tasting his skin. He played my body like he did piano, bringing me to a powerful crescendo. In the depths of my bliss, I reached down to caress his perfect dick, and he shuddered against me so hard I felt the tremors coursing against my skin.
I didn’t know what was wrong with us. We were fucked up people. But maybe that’s what made this so perfect.
Charlie lifted me so he was supporting all my weight, wrapping one hand around my hair and placing the other on my breast. He yanked me backward against him, and slid inside from behind.
