The disgust that shamed me flipped around on its axis when I jumped into the car with my mom, bringing my bag down into my lap.
“Go, go, go,” I urged before fully shutting the door. My gaze fixed out the front windshield, to avoid seeing my dad if he came to the front porch.
My mom didn’t take my bait, driving away at a normal speed. “I have the car charger plugged in.”
She remembered. Each minute I waited for the phone to power up might be the longest of my life. As much as I lectured myself over what a loser I turned out to be, that Dash and I had no chance at a real future, and never really had, I still wanted to hear from him.
When the phone powered up and I accessed the messaging app, I saw the reality of time and distance. Dash’s messages hadstopped coming in regular intervals, but there were still a couple of new ones since the last time I checked.
“I liked him,” my mom spoke softly.
I didn’t respond. My treatment kept my homosexuality buried inside. “I should keep this at your house now.”
“Maybe we can upgrade your phone.”
The resources she’d spent in paying for my Paw’s funeral, moving back to Mobile, court battles, and child support had her juggling multiple jobs to make ends meet and pay her debts. It didn’t allow room for anything frivolous.
“I don’t wanna lose the texts.” I finally answered with the truth and pressed the option to read Dash’s text messages that I used to pretend were love notes.
My mom reached a hand over to hold mine.
Close to Christmas, he sent,“I miss you. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had. I’m waiting.”I wondered what happened to make him choose those particular words?
The other one came yesterday.“Today’s our second anniversary. What a great day. I love you. I’m waiting.”
Those words caused swift and unyielding pain to slash over my heart. So much so I absently lifted a hand to my chest, rubbing there.
The voices in my head resumed their constant mocking. Dash wouldn’t want anything to do with me if he saw the cowardice, loser trash I’d let myself become. Our fleeting summer romance had left my life in shambles and was long over. Shame replaced the pain, luckily numbing me. I welcomed the feeling.
I stuffed my phone in the cubby and tossed my bag in the backseat.
“You okay?” she asked, and I nodded.
“You ever gonna trim that hair again?”
“Probably not. How’s Nana?” I asked, shifting the topic. The only reason I kept my hair longer was due to Dash’s preference which made me into an even bigger loser.
“She’s good. She’s waiting at the apartment for us. She can’t wait to see you.”
“I miss Paw.” My actions had caused his death. They’d lost everything. My grandmother had to move to Alabama with my mom. I stopped the thought before the spiraling began.
“Me too, babe. But let’s focus on the plans I have for us tonight. I thought we could start at CC’s Pizza so you can playNinja Assault. I have a bag full of quart…”
“Excellent,” I butted in, cutting her off. “I haven’t played since I came back.”
My thoughts shifted toNinja Assault, wondering if my top score was still intact.
“Then I thought we’d have movie night. You pick the movie. I baked your favorite brownies. Then tomorrow morning, we have an early start. I booked a fishing charter to take us out. I’ll have you back home before time.”
“Mom.” The word was said with happiness and reverence. “I haven’t been fishing since I was in Texas. Dad never goes anymore. He spends all his time partying and drinking. It never stops. He drives to work with a bloody Mary as his breakfast.”
Her jawline set firm, a frown carved into her face. It took several quiet moments until she shook her head, freeing the expression. “Let’s focus on the next twenty-four hours.”
“I’m working on my vocabulary for you,” I said, trying to lighten the mood.
“I noticed. I’m proud of you.”
I nodded and reached out to take her hand. She’d been handed the blows just like me. Life had to get better. It couldn’t be worse.
