“Wish me luck,” I murmured. I stuck his pacifier in his mouth, which made him ridiculously happy, and shut his door securely closed. The barrier between Beau and I was gone, and I barely acknowledged him.
“Get in the car. I don’t want to embarrass us anymore than you already have,” I said with petty disdain and rounded the back of the Tahoe toward the driver’s door.
“I don’t want to argue in front of West,” Beau called, causing my eyes to dramatically roll. When I lifted on the side step, I glanced at Beau and his defiant position.
“Then don’t.” That was good enough. I dropped down on the seat, shutting my door firmly, and started the engine. We had at least fifteen minutes left before we had to be across the street at Livie’s dance school.
Stubbornness, something Beau did exceptionally well, had him taking a few minutes before hoisting his body inside. His door wasn’t fully shut before I voiced my thoughts in a calm, reasonable tone. “Give me hell about anything. You’re ridiculously talented at that. But don’t ever say to me again that I’m trying to free myself of you. You’ve put me through too much over the years to say those words idly.”
Remarkably, all the bad language on the tip of my tongue, managed to stay unsaid, and I reached over to press the radio button with the children’s song to keep the conversation from West.
“That’s absurd,” I stated with finality. “I’m regularly on the wrong end of your decision making.” Beau waved his hand dismissively. “I’ve always prioritized you above everything else. You can’t say the same thing. I spent the majority of my twenties virtually alone, waiting for you to remember me and your commitments to me.”
“Am I destined to be reminded of my epic failures for the rest of my life?” I shot back, my voice not much higher than a low sizzle from my crushing anger. My grip tightened around the steering wheel, my heart thumped violently against my rib cage. He was pissing me off. “You’ve always been the one who tosses me aside without a second thought. You literally came to my office one time, jumped to crazy conclusions, and put me on notice. The very next thing you did was leave me. We never have a discussion on anything, that’s why I don’t try anymore. It’s only you jumping ahead and deciding what’s best for all of us. It’s not right, Beau. I’ve always wanted this to be a me and you thing. Something we accomplished together. I’m not perfect, I make mistakes, but I know you’re the love of my life...”
“This has nothing to do with that. We committed to a certain way of raisin’ our children.” His hand popped out, palm upward, suggesting something obvious, meaning what? Who knew? I was tired of trying to figure him out. “Why do you always go to the past instead of dealin’ with the life happenin’ right now?”
I dropped my forehead to the steering wheel, thumping it several times. He wasn’t wrong, but his callousness toward my feelings triggered me.
“Look, I spoke out of turn,” Beau continued, that hand still stuck out, now turned toward me. “I understand you didn’t buy me the climb to get rid of me. It was a thoughtful birthday gift, but this argument that we’re actually havin’ has been brewin’ for a while. We’re no longer aligned in the biggest responsibility of our lives. What we’re doin’ matters. We have to get it right because our fathers didn’t. Hell, we technically shouldn’t have even been able to have babies.”
In my peripheral vision, I caught the moment when he turned, facing forward again. That hand tucked back inside his crossed arms.
“And I didn’t know you were still twisted about the past,” Beau added. “I’m sorry I hurt you, but I did what I had to do because I became a borin’ afterthought for you. If I hadn’t had stood up for myself, we wouldn’t be right here, right now. I’ll be more careful with my words, but you know that you’re the only person I’ve ever been with either emotionally or physically. You can’t say the same thing. You detached from me for years before I finally left you.”
Fireworks suddenly erupted inside my head. “Jesus, Beau. Chandler—”
His dumb hand thrust between us again, halting my words. His voice rose to penetrate past the fury causing my cheeks to heat. “It wasn’t just Chandler. It was everything to do with your firm. Your boss, Lon, was your ally and best friend. Your assistant replaced me as the person you shot ideas past. In the end, we spent many days not havin’ any sort of contact. You looked at me like I was an embarrassment. I felt your censure to my core.” He took the wind out of my sails, and I fell back against the seat. He wasn’t wrong, but we’d dealt professionally with his feelings, and ultimately, I quit a job I loved to follow Beau here. “Forget it. I’m over it.”
“Yeah, right,” I shot back, delivering my own version of our past. “What you put me through to ensure I never removed you from the girls’ lives speaks a different story. Seeking third and fourth legal opinions on the very clear and contractual agreement between the two of us. We had to hire another attorney for you to adopt them. I didn’t put you through any of that when I adopted West. I trusted you when you promised you wouldn’t leave me ever again.”
Minutes passed in silence. My heart hurt. I suspected his did too.
“Clearly, we have unresolved issues with our past,” I started. “But I’m here. It’s not always easy with my father’s name on the biggest building in the city, but I ignore it, because I love our lives. I’m proud of what we have accomplished. It hasn’t been easy, but I’ve tried my very best for you.”
We sat in silence again. Beau didn’t speak so I continued.
“I know what we said before they arrived, but as we’ve raised our children, I’ve found that I want them to enjoy life. Being disciplined is important, but I also want to teach them spontaneity and guilt-free days have merit.”
“You should have told me you wanted to change things up. It’s essential that we’re on the same page. We need to improve our important conversations. When Livie expressed interest in joinin’ the dance club, it was reasonable to wait until next year when I had more time available. Now, Mia’s enrolled in a pottery class. Ava’s takin’ a karate class. It doesn’t matter that those are at the rec center. You’ll be pulled in too many directions while I’m far away. I’ll be worried the entire time I’m gone.”
“Beau,” I said and put the truck in drive. The last five minutes of the dance class allowed parents to watch through a special window. We needed to be there on time, Livie was sure to be watching for us. “I know you don’t see it, but you’re making decisions by yourself that I should be a part of. You hired Belle full-time. That should’ve been discussed. Did you check her driving record since you plan for her to take the girls to and from school?”
Beau didn’t answer as I parked in front of the dance school, and left the truck.
The emotional gap between us was palpable. We made it inside, Beau carrying West and his diaper bag. My anxiety double-timed while watching Livie’s effort to follow along with her more experienced classmates. She did her very best, and we’d practice at home to catch her up. The joy pumping through me had me reaching for Beau’s hand. He flicked it away, putting West and the diaper bag on that side of his body.
When class ended, Livie burst out with a giant smile, stealing my heart in her new pink leotard and tights. Her long hair was tied in a bun, black tap shoes on. She waved excitedly at us before running to her cubby, changing her shoes while chatting with her friends, and tucking everything in her bag. She came out with her duffle and sweater dragging the floor.
She darted for me, not Beau, and hugged my leg tight. “Thank you, Daddy. I loved it so much.”
If Beau noticed the singular appreciation, he didn’t say a word. His palm caressed over her shoulder. “You did really great, Livie. I need to change your brother’s diaper.” If the tension between us eased, I didn’t sense it. “I’ll meet you two in the truck. Remember your Powerade. We need to keep your muscles hydrated after all that hard work.”
She lifted a fist for him to bump. Another incredibly sweet moment.
Once Livie was in her car seat, chatting endlessly about the class, my guilt set in. “Hand me the buckle, babe.”
Both hands cupped my cheeks, turning me to face her. “Guess what? The teacher said she’s going to teach us how to create a dance on paper. On paper, Daddy.”
