“When was this a problem in your previous relationship?”
He sighs, rolling his eyes. “Caitlyn would never do as she was fucking told,” he huffs angrily, reminding me of a caged animal, ready to pounce the second the door opens.
“Can you give me an example so we can try and look at it from alternative points of view?”
“You’re just going to say that I was the one in the wrong.”
“Maybe, but you’re coming to these sessions whether you like it or not. You might as well get something out of it.”
He considers me for a moment. “Alright. I’ll just say it. She had no time for me at all. She was always focused on her kids or her job. I came second to both those things. She was always too tired to have sex, and her house was a fucking mess. It was disgusting. And I always had to go to her even though I work hard all day, and it would be nice to have her make the effort to come to me every now and then.”
He huffs, throwing himself back onto the couch, crossing his arms over his chest.
“That’s frustrating. I know it’s hard when you feel like you’re the one giving one hundred percent to a relationship.”
“Exactly. She never knew how lucky she had it with me.”
“Okay, so let's try and break down this particular scenario to see where you could have adjusted your behavior.”
“I thought you agreed with me?”
“I empathize with you. But no, I don’t agree that your expectations were fair.”
“Well, here we go.”
Yeah, here we go. Let's break down some patriarchal standards and educate an individual who, despite growing up in a single-parent household, seems to completely overlook the struggles they must have gone through just to put food on the table.
“It sounds like your former partner had a lot of responsibilities and was maybe finding it hard to manage them all.”
“Yeah, exactly. She had no control over her own life. She was so unorganized.”
“Okay, and when you went round there, what would you typically do?”
“I’d sit on the couch and wait for her to finish putting the kids to bed and then making us dinner. But she was always too tired to cook anything decent and then never wanted to have sex.”
“Uh-huh. Physical aspects are important in a relationship, but she had young children already. It sounds to me like when you would come over, she felt like she had to take care of you too. Who was taking care of her?”
“Well, I would have if she’d let me.”
“How would you do that?”
“You know, Doc.” He waggles his eyebrows, coughing out an awkward laugh.
“If you were to date someone with children again—” although, lord, I hope not, “—what could you do differently that would help your partner out?”
He looks a little perplexed for a moment, as if I had suggested he adopt the children. No man, we’re looking for the bare minimum effort here.
“You mean, like I should have cooked?”
I smile warmly. Bingo. “Yeah, or you could have brought food with you. It would have meant that after getting the children ready for bed, she’d have more time with you.”
“That’s true. But if I’m coming to her house, I don't think I should have to do that after working all day.”
“She also works all day, right?”
“Well…yes. But you know it’s different.”
“How exactly?”
