And as I walked back to our mobile home, silent tears rushed down my cheeks. For Felix, for his brother, for his mother, and also for me. It felt selfish to even think it in the same breath, but I had opened myself up to him in a way I hadn’t to anyone else, while he kept part of himself hidden. Like he showed me this version of himself and censored the things he didn’t want me to see. The words from the girl at the market pierced new holes in my head – the ‘girls’. And Delphine’s words came back again, all of them like flashing red sirens that I’d chosen to ignore.
I walked into the mobile home quietly in case everyone was in bed. My phone buzzed with a message.
FELIX: I want to tell you about Gabriel.
Please give me time.
ME: OK
And it felt genuine. Just as it had while I was lying there in his arms.
Another siren. Loud and flashing so bright, I didn’t even want to look at it.
I’d always thought Ari and Theo were genuine too.
So I guess I couldn’t even trust my own thoughts.
18
Mum and Dad were still up when I got home, drinking wine on the decking. But I wasn’t in the mood to talk so walked straight past them and opened the door.
‘Margot! Did you have a nice day?’ Mum asked, her tone overly cheery from too much wine.
‘Yeah, it was nice,’ I said, not turning round.
‘Come and talk to us,’ said Dad.
I walked back outside and stood beside them at the table. ‘How was the girls’ lesson?’ I threw a question at them before they could ask me more about my day.
Mum looked at Dad for an answer.
‘It was good. The boy with all the tattoos, he’s very good with them, and the girls love it, but I’m not sure it’s the right thing for Rue at the minute.’ Dad took a sip of wine, and I looked at him in shock.
‘What? Why?’ I asked, anger spilling seamlessly out of my mouth.
‘Why?’ Dad replied, like it was obvious. ‘She has cerebral palsy, Margot.’ And he said it like I hadn’t been in the same house after she got her diagnosis or held her hand when shegot her injections. Ruelovedit, I knew she did, and he was going to take it away from her?
‘Yeah, Dad, I know.And?’
‘And it’s not the same for you and Wren as it is for her. It’s too much. She was exhausted after her lesson today.’ Dad looked at me sadly and Mum reached for his hand.
‘Of course she was, because she’s using muscles she doesn’t usually use. Let her sleep after! She loves it. Donottake this away from her. Do you know how horrible that would be? How terrible she’d feel? And Antoine, he said she had more determination than any of his adult students.’ The emotions from earlier were so close to the surface. Rage made my stomach tight and my jaw clench. ‘He adapts things for her. Did you not notice how he takes the girls alone and someone else takes the other group of children?’
‘They did seem to love him,’ admitted Mum.
And I couldn’t stop. It just seemed so unfair. ‘But this isn’t about surfing, Dad, it’s about letting her try and maybe letting her fail, the way you used to do with me. Let her have the same opportunities as everyone else,’ I said through gritted teeth.
‘She’snotthe same as everyone else,’ Dad countered. I knew he was frustrated and that this was coming from a place of love. But the injustice of it all, and the thought of Rue’s face if he told her she couldn’t surf any more. I just couldn’t bear it.
‘You’re right. She’s not. She’s better.’ It was like all my feelings about Felix were spilling over and tangling up with something else.
I left them to it without saying anything more, and on myway to my room I stopped outside the girls’ room and looked in at them, asleep, peaceful, and I silently promised I’d do all I could to stop them ever being disappointed, because I couldn’t bear it. I couldn’t let them feel the way I did right now, like something precious had been taken away from me.
The next morning, I was at the beach early. Before six. I was dying to get into the water. To feel it again, the freedom of being on the board. To forget yesterday. The perfect day that had been turned on its head by the realization that nobody was ever the way they seemed.
When I got there, Antoine was outside the surf hut wearing his black rash vest and when he caught sight of me, he chucked a T-shirt in my direction. I walked behind the hut to get changed.
‘You did not want to watch your sisters yesterday after all?’ Antoine called.
