‘You can’t lose me by caring about me, Felix,’ I said, wrapping my arms round my body to try to protect myself from the breeze that had picked up, and from whatever words were coming next.
‘I can. You will be gone at the end of the summer, and it will be worse than being alone. I will know what I will be missing. You are so special, Margot.’
My stomach turned. The way it did when Rue had to go for another appointment or injection. Like I desperately wanted to protect him but couldn’t. I reached for his hand and felt it tremble. I didn’t have a solution. It didn’t feel like it was just a summer romance. When I thought of those, I imagined a kind of wild, fleeting passion that burned intensely before fizzling out as summer ended. It wasn’t like that. It felt deeper than that. Like coal that still glowed with warmth, underneath the ashes.
‘We don’t have to ruin the time wedohave,’ I said quietly, scared my voice would shake.
He laughed gently. ‘You make it sound simple.’
‘It’s not. But pushing me away just means you’ll lose me now instead of later,’ I said as I hunkered down on the ground against a rock and held out my hand for Felix to sit too. We sat there for a minute, staring at the beach, at the ocean, up at the stars. ‘You can see everything from here,’ I said. And then it hit me. ‘You watch the beaches …’
Felix cleared his throat. ‘Every morning. Early. Before I go to work. I have to watch.’
I hooked my arm through his and leaned my head on his shoulder.
‘Gabriel drowned on the fifth of August. Three years ago tomorrow. On that beach.’
I sat up. ‘Oh, Felix. I’m so sorry.’
Felix stared out at the water. ‘It was my fault. I was with him. But I couldn’t … I just couldn’t save him.’
‘The ocean is so dangerous, and you were so young. It wasn’t your fault. I’m sure of that.’ I said it with as much conviction as I could muster.
He just shook his head and looked at his feet.
‘That’s why you watch? To protect people?’
He shook his head again. ‘I try. I phone the coastguard if I see someone in trouble. I tell myself that it is the perfect place to keep people safe. But really? I think it is just because it is safe here. A safe distance. I cannot be close enough to fail all over again.’
We sat in silence. Our fingers threaded together. Looking out over the ocean.
‘I should have told you earlier. Because I knew earlier … that you were special.’ His voice almost lost in the wind.
‘You’re telling me now,’ I said, an empty hollow of guilt in my gut as Antoine flashed in my head.
‘I do not want to waste the time we have left.’
‘Then don’t,’ I replied, turning to him. I looked into his sad eyes before kissing him. The kiss was soft, desperate, like both of us were searching for something.
I pulled away and leaned my forehead against his. And in that moment, none of the other stuff mattered.
22
Felix and I talked until after two a.m., when the sky had deepened in darkness and the stars were at their brightest. The night became cold, and I walked home with his arm round me. Something felt new. Like I’d walked through a door I couldn’t close. He’d opened up so fully to me. Late, maybe, but he did it. And it must have been so hard to tell me all that about his brother. I’d felt it in his kiss, the desperate longing to be understood.
I fell asleep thinking about Felix, about the kiss, about all the things we’d shared, and then I thought about being with him. How I’d shared more of myself than just words, and how perfect it had seemed.
When I woke after only a few hours’ sleep, everything was different. But only in my head. All my thoughts felt weighted. Like every thought of Felix came with one of Antoine and vice versa. The chemistry with Antoine I couldn’t deny, this craving that came from somewhere I’d never felt before. And it wasn’t just physical; it was a need to hear him praise me. To impress him. This urge to be better for him.
I walked slowly to the beach, tearing off pieces of buttery croissant and letting them melt in my mouth, thinking.
My stomach flipped in anticipation. I couldn’t wait to see Antoine. But the way we’d left things yesterday … And then I felt guilty. This tangle of thoughts that made me ashamed because I wasn’t just thinking about the anniversary and how difficult the day was for Felix. And I was, of course I was. But I couldn’t control the other things that came into my head.
When I got to the end of the lane and it opened on to the beach, I’d expected to see Antoine’s silhouette, as I usually did, beside the beach hut. But he wasn’t there.
I carried my board to the hut. Put it down and looked through the windows. There was nobody there. And it was locked. The weight of disappointment shocked me. It left me rooted to the spot for a second. I just stood there, looking around, as if Antoine was going to appear out of thin air. Then I saw a note taped to the wall near the door.
Princesse,
