‘It was stupid,’ I admitted. ‘Going out alone.’
Felix didn’t say anything to that. Probably because there was nothing he could do but agree.
‘Felix?’ I asked, holding his arm and stopping us both in the middle of the lane. ‘Was it you? Were you the one who saved me?’
Felix started to shake his head, then abandoned it and looked down at his feet. ‘I am not sure what –’
‘You knew the tide was wrong, that it was dangerous. You were watching from your spot.’
Felix’s breathing sped up and he was taking short, shallow breaths. He closed his eyes. I put my hand on his shoulder. ‘Felix?’
Then he opened his eyes and looked at me. And all I saw was terror. Like he was experiencing it all over again. ‘I couldn’t … I saw you … I watched you go under …’
I threw my arms round him, and he held me so tightly I thought my ribs might break. And when we separated, his eyes were glistening.
‘You saved my life,’ I whispered. ‘You saved mylife, Felix.’ And it was like it came out of nowhere, the pressure that built up behind my eyes, then days’ worth of tears streamed down my face. And I’m not sure if he pulled me in or I collapsed into him, but then we were hugging again, my head buried in his shoulder, my chest heaving. And I thought I felt him tremble as he held me, but it might just have been me.
‘Come,’ he said. Felix released me then took my hand and led me off the path to the edge of a little children’s playpark where there was a bench. We sat down.
‘I saw you from the hill. I was up there.’
‘But it was so early,’ I said. ‘If you hadn’t been there …’ I shook my head as I thought of the possibility.
He held my hand and stroked the back of it with his thumb. ‘But I was. I was there, Margot. The night before the anniversary, I couldn’t sleep, so I went even earlier than usual. If it hadn’t been the anniversary, I am not even sure if I would have been in that place. And then … then what would have happened?’
I squeezed his hand. ‘Let’s not think about what could have happened. I’m here, I’m alive. Thanks toyou.’ I blinked back the tears in my eyes as he did the same. ‘I didn’t see you after it happened. Were you OK?’ I asked. I hadn’t thought about it, how hard it must have been onhisbody too. Maybe he should have been checked by doctors as well?
He looked away then, just for a second. ‘I am OK. My bodyis OK. But I broke the promise I made after … Gabriel. I swore that I would never go back into the ocean after he died. But I could not let you … I could not fail again.’ He shook his head and looked down at his knees.
‘You didn’t fail, Felix. You were a child.’ My words were choked with tears.
He shook his head. ‘I did not see the current change. I should have seen.’
And the guilt that consumed him was palpable. Like it surrounded him with this big, black cloud.
‘You were just a child,’ I said again. ‘And you saved me, Felix. Without you, I wouldn’t be here right now.’
And he cried. Right there. Proper tears that shook his body and made me wrap my arms round him, because I couldn’t bear his pain.
‘Have you told anyone that you went in the water? It’s a really big deal,’ I said when he’d calmed down.
‘No, I would not know who to tell. The only person who would really understand what it meant … we do not speak any more,’ he said sadly, choosing to scan the playground instead of looking at me.
‘Well, I can be that person now.’ I took his hand. ‘Why don’t you come round tonight? My mum and dad could probably do with a night to themselves after what happened …’
‘I would like that,’ he said with a smile.
25
I sat there for a while watching kids play in the park, then I found myself walking to the beach. My breath caught in my throat as I turned the corner and saw the sparkling blue ocean that almost ended my life.
I headed towards the hut, dodging round all the sunbathers and kids playing football. I could see Antoine talking to a group of kids, waving his arms about and pointing at the water. Like nothing had changed.
But everything had changed.
When I got close to them, I stayed out of the way, leaning against the surf hut in the shade under the overhanging roof, just watching. And then he saw me. He looked over his sunglasses, then looked down the beach. ‘Sébastian!’ He called something to him in French and I watched Sébastian bound up the beach towards him. It looked like he was complaining about something. But then he saw me too and his face lit up with a smile. Sébastian ran towards me, arms outstretched. He pulled me into a hug and picked me up.
‘Margot!’ He squeezed me then put me down. ‘Sorry. Did I hurt you? I am so happy to see you.’
