I turned away and then felt Antoine’s grip on my wrist. I wrenched it away.
‘One more thing. Your … Him.’ Antoine nodded over at Felix, who was playing a game with Rue and Wren on the sand.
‘What about him? And he has a name. It’s Felix,’ I raged, furious at the lingering tingle of heat that was sweeping through my body.
‘Do not bring him,’ he said, staring at me through his sunglasses.
Another order, setting my gut on fire. ‘You can’tdictatewho … I’ll make my own decisions about who I spend time with!’ I could barely get my words out.
He smirked, then shrugged. ‘Yes. It worked well the last time you made your own decision.Non?’
‘Margot, can we go now?’ Wren was at my side, tugging my hand, so I couldn’t scream at Antoine and tell him how pissed off I was, a feeling compounded by the guilt of Felix calling out the way I reacted around Antoine. The shame of Felix seeing, clear as day, what my body had known the very first time I’d met Antoine. I guess it just took a while for the rest of me to catch up.
Antoine turned his back and walked into the hut, slamming the door behind him, leaving me on the sand as Felix and Rue joined me and Wren, wondering what was going on.
‘Ihatehim,’ I said, under my breath. But when I looked up, I was staring straight into Felix’s sad brown eyes.
‘That is not true.’
31
My second training session with Delphine was brutal. And it was all on the sand. Stretches and bodyweight exercises, over and over again. But despite the exhaustion, I loved it. And we didn’t talk about Felix or Antoine or anything except surfing. She corrected my technique, over and over, explained the competition set-up and gave me tips to impress judges.
But one exchange hit home more than anything else …
‘Do you really think I have a chance to qualify?’
‘I would not waste my time if I did not.’
I walked back to the caravan in a daze after that, buzzing from what she’d said.
And then I had some time alone. I shut myself in my bedroom, lay on my bed and finally let myself think about earlier. What Felix had said about Antoine. And it was like all the signs had been telling me the same thing. The butterflies, the chemistry, the constant daydreams. But it took Felix saying it out loud for it to really sink in.
And then came the guilt. Like a slow leak that wouldn’t stop, overflowing and seeping into my bones.
I covered my face with the pillow, as if hiding would make it all go away. This mess of feelings. How it was clearly so stupidly obvious to Felix, and after all that he’d been through, I’d put him through this too.
I’d apologize to him tonight. I’d stay with him at the campsite and I’d tell him I was sorry.
I put on my shortest denim shorts and my Bikini Kill T-shirt, then I lay back down on my bed and found myself opening Priya’s messages.
ME: Remember I told you there were two guys? …
PRIYA: Yeah?
ME: Things are kind of complicated now …
PRIYA: Tell me!!
ME: Felix is sweet and thoughtful and way nicer to me than Theo ever was. But I think I’ve kind of just realized that we might be better off as friends …
PRIYA: He sounds really sweet
ME: He is! He’s perfect. But there are like no butterflies. At all. I mean, there were at the beginning, when I first met him, but they’ve just gone! Do you still get them with Cal?
PRIYA: Every time I see him …
ME: OK hold on I’m going to call …
