Chapter Thirty-Six
Lily
I don’t leave the penthouse for a week.The sky turns from silver to black and back again beyond the glass walls, and I barely notice.Most days, I sit by the window wrapped in one of Damiano’s sweaters, staring out like I’m waiting for something to return to me.My voice.My spark.Myself.
I pretend that everything is fine, but I am unraveling thread by thread, and I am afraid that someday there will be nothing left of me.Damiano watches from the shadows, always nearby.He never tells me to talk, never asks me to smile.When I wake gasping in the night, fists clenched and heart hammering in my chest, he holds me until I fall asleep again, skin pressed to his heartbeat like an anchor.
Then one day, he says, ‘I want to bring someone in to talk with you.A therapist, someone we trust.You don’t have to say yes right away.Just think about it.’And I say yes.Because I am tired of feeling like I am not inside my own skin.
The therapist’s name is Dr.Silvia Stone.She is older, sharp-eyed, with salt-and-pepper curls and the voice of a lifetime smoker.She comes to the condo twice a week, sets up in the office, and doesn’t ask me to spill my soul on the floor.Instead, she listens.She watches the way I flinch at loud noises.The way I can’t sit with my back to the door.The way I twist the hem of my shirt like I’m holding myself together with my bare hands.
On the third session, I sit curled up on the couch, fingers picking at the corner of a pillow.I don’t speak for a while.Dr.Stone doesn’t press.Finally, I say, “How am I supposed to live with this?”
She looks up from her notes.“With what?”
I meet her gaze.“Being part of his world now.”
She nods slowly, inviting me to continue.
“I mean…the mafia,” I clarify, the word tasting bitter.“That’s what it is.There’s no sugar-coating it.My mom used to say it only brought death and heartbreak.And she was right.”
She waits, quiet and open.
“I saw what Damiano did to Gian,” I murmur.“It wasn’t justice.It was personal.He wanted him gone, and he made it happen.He…probably did the same with the rest of his people.And I’m still here, with him.And worse, I am not sad or horrified over what he did.What kind of person does it make me?”I hesitate, voice thinning.“Doesn’t that make me like him?”
Dr.Stone doesn’t rush in to fill the silence.She merely tilts her head.“Do you feel like him?”
“No,” I say quickly.Too quickly.Then I sigh.“I don’t know.Maybe I’m just fooling myself.”
She leans forward a bit.“You saw him act violently.But have you thought about why?”
I shake my head.“I try not to.It’s easier that way.”
“But you’re asking the question now.”
I blink at her.My throat feels tight.“He didn’t hesitate,” I whisper.“When he found me.He tore that place apart.Gian’s operation, the men involved…they’re all gone.Chiara, Laura, Giulia, Issy, the women I was with.Some of them are already home.The rest are safe at least.”
There is a pause.
“I wouldn’t be here without him,” I admit, softer now.“But that doesn’t erase the darkness.”
“No,” Dr.Stone agrees.“It doesn’t.”
I look down at my hands, suddenly unsure.“So what does that make him?A hero?A monster?”I glance up, expecting her to answer, but she gives me a knowing look.
“I guess…” I pause, swallowing the truth that’s been circling me for days.“Maybe he’s still a monster.But he’smymonster.And maybe that’s worse.”
Dr.Stone’s expression doesn’t change.
“He used his darkness to destroy mine, and I gladly let him,” I whisper, voice trembling.“And that’s what I can’t untangle.I’m afraid of what that says about me.”
She lets the silence settle again, then says gently, “It says you survived.And maybe now you’re figuring out what kind of life you want to live with the pieces that are left.”
I don’t respond, although the thought stirs something in me.But still, there is a knot I can’t untangle.
“Does it ever bother you?”I ask.“Working for people like him.Knowing what they are part of?What they are capable of?”
She pauses, her expression not defensive, only thoughtful.Then she leans back in her chair.“You’re a veterinarian, right?”I nod.“So, tell me, do you treat all animals the same?Even the ones with bad reputations?Dogs known for aggression.Cats who bite.Wild animals that can’t be trusted.”
