I right myself in the water, so that I can look at him.
‘Do you want me to be real for a second?’
I gulp. ‘Not really.’
‘Okay.’
I sigh. ‘Go on.’
‘Well, look, I’m your best friend, right?’
I scoff. ‘I guess you still can be, yeah.’
‘All right, pretend we didn’t lose touch, and I’m still your best friend.’ Sam treads water effortlessly. ‘Or actually, let’s say it as it is. You’re here now and I’m an outsider and I’ve listened to what you said. I understand how you might be feeling, absolutely I do.’
‘There’s abut, isn’t there?’
Sam grimaces. ‘Afraid so. It’s just… Look, clearly what you and Ollie had was special. But he asked you to marry him. Twice. You said no. Twice.’
‘All right, thanks for the reminder.’
Sam laughs, even though my tone is bristle. ‘I just mean… Did you expect him to wait around? Did you expect him to stay with you when he wanted different things?’
My steely gaze lingers on Sam. ‘Yes, I did. We were supposed to be in love.’
Sam bites his lip. ‘Sometimes the other person has to ask themselves what it is they truly want, and whether or not the other person is holding them back.’
The ocean is ice cold, and my heart threatens to give out. ‘You think I’m… what? Dead weight?’
‘I didn’t say that.’
‘Seems like you did.’
Sam considers his next move, like we’re playing a very wet game of chess. ‘When two people want different things, there comes a point when they have to decide what is best to do. In a relationship, you should always be growing with one another. At least I think so. It sounds like to me Ollie was set on marriage, and you weren’t.’
‘I could have been.’
‘But not when he wanted.’ Sam moves closer to me now, and I feel myself pull towards him, like the current of the ocean wants to bring us together. ‘Look, I’m not defending Ollie, andI’m not criticising you. Relationships are complex. What makes sense to you might not make sense to him, and vice versa. If you ask me, Ollie is a fool for leaving you.’
His voice drops at that, as if he’s shy to admit it. It softens the blow of his words.
‘Alec is better than me.’
‘Says who?’
My demons. My internal monologue. Whatever you want to call it.
‘Will, you’re funny. You’re kind. You’re exciting,’ Sam says. ‘Being with you again feels like we spent no time apart. That sounds weird, doesn’t it?’
‘No, it doesn’t. I feel the same way.’
‘I’ve gone a long time feeling like something was missing,’ Sam says. ‘I don’t think I’ve relaxed like this in years.’
The silence is as vast as the ocean.
With fish swimming under our feet and the sun warm on the water, it should be impossible to feel this way. These feelings are better suited to dark winter nights, locked in my apartment on my own,Mean Girlson TV. These are totally notMamma Miavibes.
I hear the splash of water against the boat in the distance. My gaze turns to the sky, because right now I can’t look at Sam.
