“Because all I want is something like this, what we’re pretending we’ve got going on here,” he continued weakly, “and I know I can’t have it. I’m not fun, Fox. I’m boring and work too much, and I’m just… I’m nobody’s idea of a life partner. I’m not super fit, and I’m definitely not handsome….”
“Shut the fuck up,” I growled. “What the fuck?” Now I was angry. “That’s the most stupid thing I’ve ever heard. What? Why the hell do you think I’m back here, Noah? Because you’re the only man in this bloody sandpit? Because you think I’m that desperate? I should be at the bar doing shots with my friends, well, my so-called friends. They’re all idiots too, and they make me feel like shit, even when I don’t deserve it. Because that’s who I am. I put up with them because it’s easier than admitting that I don’t have any friends. Not friends who make me feel good about myself. You do, Noah. I know this is me being delusional, but…this? Fuck. I make no sense, do I?”
He shook his head, and I did too. I knew, okay?
I was starving and stole a few more chips off his plate whilst he sighed and composed himself. Chips. I never ate them. Not part of the nutritional diet I tended to fool myself into being good for my wellbeing. Amongst all the other lies I told myself. And now I was sharing far too much about all of this with a complete stranger.
“You know,” I said, letting him serve up vegetables on my plate. I stole another chip off his and almost swallowed it down whole. My hands shaking with hunger. I hadn’t eaten properly since yesterday, and it showed. Mentally as well as physically. “I’m a mess. I know how fucked up I am, and how mad this is. I do this. I hook up with people, and then I get attached.My friends are all I have, and they’re shitty. Maybe I should know better. Perhaps I am this desperate. I know it’s stupid, honestly, I do.”
“You’re not stupid,” he said quietly.
“I am. And I know it, okay? I am well aware, no need to tell me off about it.”
“I’m not.” Truth. He was just quietly picking up a piece of broccoli from my plate and eating it. Like we were sharing food. A very small part of my insides twisted at the very sweetness of that.
“Just so you know,” I deflected, out of things to say. I’d already said too much. Overwhelmed him with everything that I was.
“Can I…ask you something?”
“Sure.” I stole another chip. What were we like?
“Why? Why did you come back?”
Oh. We were going there. “Because I am…”
“No. You don’t get to say it because I don’t think it’s true. You putting yourself down like this. You’re nice, Fox. Open and honest and I don’t think you’re desperate, I just think…maybe…” And there it was. Him looking uncomfortable. Me being me. Still sat here with a stolen chip in my grip.
Shameful. I was a grown-up professional and still sat here clinging to this man. This wonderful human being, who had done everything, rescued me and treated my sunburn and carried me…right out of his life.
Yet here I was.
“So, you came back, but then how would this work, Fox?” He yapped on, waving his arms around. I liked the shirt he was wearing. It suited him. Great colour. Me? I was smiling. And he was ranting. “I mean? You live in what, deepest darkest Scotland? I couldn’t be further away. I have a good practice, decent colleagues, the workload is bearable, and I’ve almost paid off my mortgage.”
“And?” I snapped. “I have a very good job too. My dream one, actually. I live on site in this historic old school building, and it’s stunning. My life is good. I am good. I’m just…”
“Lonely,” he filled in like he actually knew me. It took me aback. Like my whole body went rigid, him calling me out like that. I wasn’t lonely.
I was fucking lonely.
“True,” I whispered. “But aren’t we all? I just want someone in my life. I want someone to wake up with. Someone to make me a cup of tea in the morning, sort out my troubles and tell me I’m…fucking pretty or whatever.” I laughed bitterly because I didn’t think I could sink any lower. Sat here spilling all my truths to a stranger.
I had to get that properly set in my head. He was a stranger. And this would never go anywhere. He’d said it too; Noah and I would end in disaster. In sadness and terrible… I couldn’t even find the proper words for it.
“You’re pretty lovely, Fox. You’re handsome and very attractive. If you… I mean, if you’d walked into my practice, I would have fluffed my words. Made a right fool out of myself. That’s what I do when someone walks in who ticks all my boxes. Attraction is a tricky thing, but when it’s there, it’s hard to ignore.”
“Agreed,” I said, finally putting something decent in my mouth, a piece of carrot. He hadn’t touched his steak. Neither had I. And the wine bottle sat on the side unopened.
Nothing felt worth celebrating here. Nor did it feel like a date. I just felt deflated and upset.
“I didn’t mean for all this to happen. I never went out to look for you or anything, didn’t purposely end up here. It just happened, Noah. Like fate. I wanted to make things… I don’t know. I just stumbled upon your villa, and I think I just needed a break. And yes, maybe I wanted a rebound. I just wanted someone to make me feel better about all this. That’s how I ended up drunk on your deckchair…”
“How did you end up so drunk?”
“Thomas.” I sighed. “I thought I was… I don’t know. Just him being there, and annoying me and Jordyn being a brat, showing off and being all over the guy who at one time told me I was the love of his life? He moved to Glasgow for me. Upped his entire life, told me this was it for him, and then he promised we would have a whole life together! We talked about children, for fuck’s sake. So, yes, I’m bitter. I’m upset and heartbroken and angry that I fell for it all, and having it constantly thrown in my face, my friends treating it as a joke, and I get it, I get that they try to lighten the mood, but it’s not funny when you’re the one sat there with all the heartbreak. I was the one who believed in it all. I was the one he cheated on. And now I was sat there like an idiot. So yeah. I got drunk because I thought it would just make things easier to carry. That I would just make my way back to my room and finally sleep. Perhaps things would seem better in the morning.”
I didn’t know when I’d burst into tears. When the wetness had spilled from my eyes. But then his thumb was suddenly there wiping my skin, and then he leant over and kissed me. The way he did. Because I was figuring him out. The little things he did. The way my upset yielded affection. If I asked for something, he gave it so willingly. So easy. Like it was just who he was.
“Sorry,” I whispered.
