I dialled his number. Because I could. Because we were, after all, adults and he’d asked to speak to me.
Or I’d asked to talk to him. What did I know?
He answered. No video. Just a normal phone call. His voice in my ear.
“Noah?”
“Yeah.”
“Hey.”
Normal. Simple. Utterly terrifying.
“You home?”
“Yep. Got in a while ago. Sorted out my life for next week.” Stupid words meaning nothing.
“Yeah, me too. Straight back to work. Lots of things to sort out before term starts.”
“I see.”
“Yeah.”
“So…”
“You said you wanted to talk.”
“Mmm.” Here I was. Him on the line, and I couldn’t say a word. What was wrong with me? Making sounds and stuttering and not being able to get anything of substance out. Because there was nothing to say. Maybe there was an entire essay to be screamed at him, loud and desperate. Still? I had no words. Yet…we needed to talk. We fucking needed to get things said. Clarity. Real life. Fuck. I wanted all of it, when I knew full well how impossible that was.
“You don’t have to speak to me, honestly, Noah. We can just…sit here. Just please don’t hang up on me.”
Okay? Silence I could do. His breathing in my ear. So many things I wanted to tell him. That he was perfect. Kind. Funny. Loved. He was fucking lovely, and sexy, and he did it for me. I just had to look at him, even the memory of him, and I would go all warm on the inside. He was attractive and beautiful, and he didn’t judge me when I was quiet. Didn’t tell me I was weird and unsociable and uninteresting. Didn’t want anything from me, apart from me…being me. That was a weird realisation, and I was relieved we weren’t on a video call because I didn’t want him to see all the frustration in me. What him not being here made me. What him leaving me had made me feel.
“I miss you,” my mouth said before I could stop myself. “I know I have no right to, but I bloody do.”
“Noah,” he said, and I wanted to cry. I was nobody. I was just emotional and overwhelmed and sad. I was so bloody sad.
“We had such a great thing going on. And now we don’t, and what am I supposed to do now? Just go on Grindr and look for someone who looks like you?”
“I hope not,” he huffed. Even that made me smile, despite me suddenly wanting to punch walls.
“Well, nobody is like you, and I’ve deleted all my apps and I’m just sat here like a useless blob and I’ve been too chicken to check my phone all day after sending that text. I’m sorry, by the way. My mum got your number from Pawel. Apparently, he’s easily bribed.”
“He is. Buy him a drink, and he’ll do anything. Idiot.”
“Yeah.” Now I was smiling. Then I’d be ready to cry in a second. Again. I couldn’t control all these emotions.
“You ran away,” I said. A bit too sternly, actually.
“No. I didn’t run away; that’s your thing. I broke it off because it was getting too much for both of us. I didn’t want to say goodbye to you, and if we’d continued on like that, we would have ended the week being all fucked up with broken hearts. I couldn’t do that. Not to you, and I couldn’t bear the thought of it. So I left you sleeping. It felt like the better option.”
“You’re probably right,” I reluctantly agreed, even though I didn’t, not really. “But at the time? It was goddamn shitty waking up without you.”
“I know. I had to wake up without you too. Didn’t really go out for the rest of the week.”
“How’s your foot?”
That made him laugh. “I’m fine, Noah. Wore proper dress shoes for dinner this evening. It’s what we do here. We dress up properly for meals, and the headmaster of Kilmartin School dining with only one Croc would have been frowned upon.”
