How was this a step up?What did that say about the rest of my life?And would it be such a great loss if I didn't make it through the Tournament after all, considering what I'd likely be going back to?
My thoughts were dark, and I could see them in the shadows beneath my eyes.
If Ididwant to kiss a cute alien before probably dying – and I thought I did – I'd better get my head screwed on right.He liked me, even if he was shy.Maybe we could fool around a bit before I got torn to shreds on the arena sands.And even if that was a step too far – the fooling around; I didn't get much of a say about beingtornapart– I'd still place a bet on stealing a kiss or two.I'd checked, when Araxis was thoroughly engrossed in some starcharts back on the shuttle, and abaya did like to kiss.That was one part of the cultural database that was always at my fingertips.
So I could mope and feel sad about what was coming my way, or I could try and have a nice time on this kind of shitty ship with a pretty alien who blushed whenever I breathed in his direction.
He'd given me his jacket.He'd turned up the temperature in the shuttle.He'd put my quartersright nextto his.
If I was staring down the barrel of my imminent demise, what was the fucking point in feeling miserable in the time Iwasgoing to get?The dread, the anxiety, the self-pity – more things to shove down and lock up so they couldn't get in my way.
I looked in the mirror and practiced my sunny smile.I could even make it reach my eyes, and if it looked real, well, I could probably pretend it was.Maybe pretending for long enough would make it true.
Refreshed, I headed out and joined a waiting Araxis, although I did pop back down into my bunk on the way to shrug out my sweaters – it reallywaswarmer on the ship, but that was genuinely not saying much.On impulse, I pulled on Araxis's jacket, which actually fit my shoulders and was only a little long in the cuffs.When I came out, Araxis didn't say anything, but I saw his eyelids flicker as he took me in, his cheeks silvering as we made our way to the stairs.
Araxis showed me to the dining room, which was dimly lit and decently sized, big enough for a low table and a series of cushions arrayed along its edges.A little room off the back was dark and I was surprised when we arrived that Egnax was nowhere to be seen.There was, however, a tray on the table with a teapot, fragrant steam curling from its spout, and two earthenware cups.
I sat on one side; he sat on the side to my left, close enough that I could have reached out and touched his cheek without so much as bending my spine.I watched as he poured the tea, setting one cup delicately in front of me."So," I said, plucking up the cup andinhaling the plume of spiced steam.The heat seeped into my cold fingers, skin prickling at the change in temperature."Is everyone going to avoid me the whole time I'm here, do you think?"
The skin around Araxis's eyes pinched."No," he said.His own cup sat on the table in front of him and he rotated it in place, slow and thoughtless, like a nervous tic."It is late, as I said.And there are not many of us."
It was still weird.At least, I thought it was – maybe this was normal for abayan ships.No need to make a big procession on arrival.Guests just slipped in unnoticed, a new and unremarkable part of life.Maybe I was being culturally insensitive.
I swallowed down the tea, eager to finish so I could leave this awkward dining room and get down to more familiar territory.I declined a refill, ignoring the way Araxis's features seemed to get even more pinched, and eventually he showed me the practice room near the cargo hold before begging off to go plan the ship's route to the Thenat system.
That was fine: honestly, I didn't mind having a bit of time alone.Despite my mirror pep talk earlier, I still didn't feel entirely like myself.
Time with my swords would help, though.It always did.
I'd like to say that I'm a good sword-dancer, and that the art necessarily translates to fighting.The fact is that I'm, at best, passable.Of all the skills Alet Trident figured I could learn, sword-dancing came to mind because so few people know what it looks like when doneproperly.A holdover from some voltaari cult's form of worship that melded art and battle, it's pretty obscure but looks good under the right lights.And it was something I could tutor in, which was more or less just an extended form of foreplay.
I'd never had to actually spar with anyone.The most I'd done had been more like choreography, and I'd certainly never had to use my blades to try and hurt anyone.
I ran some drills in the practice room, which was a spartan, square room with a slightly springy floor and a series of cupboards set lowinto the walls that must have held various tools for exercise and fitness.Loops and hooks were mounted in the ceiling for resistance training or hanging equipment, and there was a bag hanging in one far corner, but all I needed were my blades.I'd have been a lot more comfortable with some sultry music and dimmer lights, but I'd make do.
I warmed up enough to shrug out of the jacket, which I folded carefully and sat on the floor.I even peeled out of the top layer of my jumpsuit, knotting the sleeves around my waist.As I launched into another routine, humming the accompanying song under my breath, I found myself trying to imagine doing this…atanother person.Trying to hurt them or scare them.
The point was usually just to be sexy.What would I do, seduce them to death?
I snorted so hard, I missed a step and had to twist awkwardly to catch myself.As my eyes swept the room and I headed back to my starting spot, I saw the door to the practice room was cracked open.I had closed it earlier to try and keep the chill from drifting in.
In that sliver of air between the door and the wall, there was a short shadow.I paused, and the shadow shifted, revealing an all-black eye and a little head peeking around the corner.There was some quiet scuffling, and then a second head appeared.
These must be the children Araxis had mentioned.I guess they didn't have bedtimes on creche ships, or the kids were sneaky like I'd been back on Seraphim.I wiped the back of my arm across my forehead, catching the sweat, and smiled."Hi," I said, aiming for something cheerful and friendly.
The two little faces vanished in a flutter of movement, quicker than I could even blink.
Well, that about matched the welcome I'd received so far.I shook my head and went to stand in the centre of the room again, rolling my shoulders.
Another noise sounded near the door, and I twisted to look again.Three white faces peered in at me.
"Hi," I repeated.And then, for good measure, I added, "Greetings," one of the three abayan phrases I'd managed to retain from my hasty research on the shuttle here.
The door pushed open a little more, and one of the children – about waist height, with an unbound black crest and a blue tunic; I thought that must be Sadin – stepped in, wrinkling his nose."You talk funny," he said in a fluting voice, in crisp Standard.
Behind him, one of the other children trilled with laughter, a short gray crest roughly braided."And look funny," the last one chortled, lurking in their shadows and still halfway out the door."What's wrong with your crest?And your eyes?And why are youwet?"
Well, I was used to questions about some of the particularities about being human, even if those questions weren't usually quite so blunt or, well,basic.Had these children ever seen someone from a different species?I could only imagine what they'd make of a nyaan.
