I wasn't sure I had the patience to unpack that one – you got status from making someone go against their supposed nature?I was pretty sure that was whatsteadfast devotionmeant for a gender likehot slut– and I definitely didn't have the patience to unpack it when I was tired and getting a free ride from someone who was awfully cute but who thought I just smelled like a whore, apparently.
No wonder he blushed around me all the time.
I swallowed, my throat suddenly tight and hot.I glanced down at my wrist to catch the time.It was late enough that bed was a passable excuse; I probably should have skipped all of this and gone straight to bed anyway."I'm tired, so I'm going to go to bed, I think.Do you have much piloting to do tomorrow, or can we start with training early?"Right now, all I wanted was to hole up and not think about swords or combat at all, but there was at least a tiny sliver of my consciousness – probably the bit that would maybe like to live – that could acknowledge that getting in some practice with a real person before the Tournamentcould be important.
Araxis stared at me for a long moment, blinking.Then his head dropped a little, like he was ashamed or upset.At least the whining had stopped."It will take some time tomorrow to chart our initial course, and I am required at the helm as we leave the asteroid's gravity field.Should I find you when I am done for the day?"
"Sure," I said, stepping around him with lots of room and heading for the door.
"If you need food, there are stores off the dining room where we had tea," he said.I could hear his quiet footfalls as he walked a few steps behind me, and I picked up the pace and opened the door to the cargo hold.
"Great."
"If you need anything, I will just be next door to your room."
"I appreciate it," I said flatly, not looking back.
Araxis's footfalls stopped, and I headed to the top deck by myself.It was a good size ship with hardly anyone on it, so there was no one to look at the expression I couldn't quite wipe from my face, too burned out and brittle for pretending.I stopped in my room long enough to dump my things on my bed, then scurried into Araxis's room – still empty, thank god – to brush my teeth and scrub my face with cold water, before silently retreating to my room and closing the door firmly.I even dug out the fresh linens and made the bed, stripping out of my clothes before settling in under the blankets and hoping they'd keep me warm enough.
I didn't know why I felt so unbalanced by finding out about this abayan gender thing, why it made my chest ache like I'd been bruised.But I didn't need to know why.I just needed to stop feeling that way, so I found the switch to turn off the overheads and lay for a long time in the dark, unable to sleep.
It was probably the cold keeping me up, so I finally gave up and groped around in the dark until I found Araxis's jacket, draping it on top of the covers for an added layer of warmth and burying my nose in the collar.I finally fell asleep, carried away by the scent of spice and the gentle pool of warmth his jacket offered.
Chapter 5 –Deep Space Spectres
My apparent need to mope around and be a sad sack aside, life with an abayan creche was pretty decent, if a little weird, because it didn'tfeellike I lived with a creche.It mostly felt like I lived with Araxis for those first few days, like it was just the two of us on the ship, rattling around on our own.
I woke that morning while Araxis must have still been at the helm – his voicerangfrom the front of the ship,where he wasspeaking in rapid abayan with one of his creche-mates – and spent some time sitting on my bed and carefully scrubbing the spilled green drink from my jumpsuit.The dining area where we'd had tea the day before was empty when I finally made my way there; a casual investigation revealed a little room off the back with clay pots, heating elements, and a pantry that was bigger than what was, I'd determined, the kitchen.I'd packed enough rations to get me to Thenat-6, but I figured if the offer stood, I might as well avail myself of the ship's stores.Besides, their food was better than mine.I tore open a packet of powdered soup of some sort.A warm breakfast, even of slightly sour soup, beat the hell out of the powdery, tasteless rations that were stuffed in the bottom of my pack.
I was just contemplating my next move, leaning against the wall next to the arched door into the kitchen and staring into space, when Araxis popped his head into the dining room."Sashen," he started –
"Am I allowed to have this?"I asked, tapping my finger on the massive clay mug I was drinking my breakfast soup from.
The skin around his eyes tightened, and he stepped into the dining room."Yes, of course.You can help yourself.Do not feel that you need to restrict yourself to dasha – our food stores are ample.Eat what you wish."
I studied him, uncertain.That still seemed a little too good to be true.But what else was I going to do, trade them for some ration blocks?Ididhave 87 credits.I could transfer those over when we arrived in the Thenat cluster.It wasn't like I'd be needing them after that.
Privately, I resolved to stick to soup.In my experience, people often made offers they didn't really mean.Everything had a cost.
"I wanted to find you to let you know that we are… delayed in our departure."In the unsteady light of the dining room, Araxis looked washed out.His features were tight with something I couldn't name.Stress?Guilt?"Evreni and I have charted the course for the day, but there is a problem with one of the forward thermoregulator panels.We can fix it, but it will take the day."
Well, I had fourteen days.That was fine."Sure," I said, sipping on my soup as I watched him through the curl of steam.
Araxis hovered.I saw his hands flex by his sides, and then he tucked them behind his back.He was in a jumpsuit this morning, dark and a little worn at the collar and cuffs."We had agreed to begin lessons today," he added, hesitant."I suspect I will be involved all day with the repairs."
"Oh."Thatwas why he'd come to see me.Maybe my bad temper had put him off, and who could really blame him?I'd had some time to think about it this morning, and I wasn't pleased with how I'd conducted myself.I didn't like to tell people about Seraphim because whenever I thought about it for too long, my heart started to flutter and I had a hard time breathing, and suddenly all the things I'd left behind felt close, like ghosts hovering just beyond the edge of what I could see.
So what if aliens had decided I was one of their genders?It didn't matter.And if they, ifAraxis, thought my gender wasalways raring to go, I mean.Was he wrong?He'd watched me at the den for a week.I'd asked him to the back rooms.It wasn't like I could get insulted over the truth.And why was it insulting or upsetting anyway?Because I still thought I should be at least a little ashamed that I was, as he'd said,voracious?
Here I was, getting a free ride with an open kitchen that didn't track how much every item cost, I had a massive bed to myself, and now I got the day off from the one thing I was doing that was anything remotely like 'work.'
Although I suspected giving Araxis private lessons wouldn'tfeellike work.
"Can I help with the panel?"I asked, then.Maybe he could put me to work in a different way.
Something complicated flickered across his features, before Araxis shook his head."No, we will be fine.If we do need assistance, I will find you.You should take the day to rest and… relax."
I snorted, a slow and incredulous smile curving my mouth."I can't remember the last time I had a day off," I admitted."I won't know what to do with myself."
