He set his cup down gently, carefully, as if it might break, although he hadn't taken a sip yet.Hechewedon his lip, like he was working up to something, so I just stayed quiet."I thought about our conversation and – it would be very hypocritical of me to tell you that youmustbe virra, that it is clear to me, when it does not matter how you appear.It matters… how you feel.Even if others do not see.I will listen to what you tell me about who you are, and I will believe you.So I am deeply sorry, Sashen.Perhaps it felt like a small thing to you, but I believe I did you harm, and I have been thinking about it all day.Egnax was right, Iwasdistracted, and it was my fault for being careless."
My chest was tight again, and for some reason, I could feel heat prickling behind my eyes, as if I was going to tear up.
When was the last time someone had apologized to me?He'd hurt my feelings last night, but not in a way that should have been big enough to count for anything.Just another careless elbow in the place I was bruised and raw.Except he'dseenthat and he'd felt badlyall day, and then he wanted to make amends.He'd even tried earlier, except I'd brushed him off.It was like my pain mattered to him, and that was new and strange and made me ache in a deep, dark part of myself I didn't know could feel that way.
"Well," I said after a moment, my voice a little hoarse, "what you said did feel… right.It's just hard to hear, I think.I spent a lot of time being told exactly who I had to be, and being told that there were parts of myself I had to hate, to cut out, in order to… be worth something.It wasn't easy to leave – I mean, it reallywasn't easy; I had to plan for months, and I still can't believe I got away with it – but I knew I had to be in charge of my own life.I had to know who Iwas, and make sure that no one else could tell me that who I was, who Iam, was wrong or… repulsive.So I think I probably just… reacted to being told I'm virra because it felt similar, maybe.Like there were these lines being drawn around me to define who I amforme, to dictate thatforme, so that I was left without any say about who I am or how I feel.I know that's not what it means.I've thought about it a lot.But I think that might be why I was upset, because of that feeling."
A thin whine sounded, a subvocalization from Araxis's pale throat.His shoulders tensed slightly, his black eyes gleaming in the dim light between us."I understand.I am very sorry to have caused you distress – particularly because I… implied something I do not even believe."His words were raw, and it was his tone and that subvocal whine – which sounded like pain because he'd hurtme– that made something soft and fragile in my chest give way.
I turned my head away from him, blinking furiously.There was no way I was crying because someone had been kind and apologized to me.No thank you.I swallowed hard; I tightened my fingers around the cup; I forced myself to draw in a long, even breath.When I spoke, I managed to keep my tone almost even."You're incredibly nice, I hope you know that.Don't feel bad: that was the best apology I've ever gotten.Of course you're forgiven.I don't think there was anything to forgive, really; we just didn't know better.Besides, I'm pretty sure you were telling me that I'malluring, so.I'm not exactly insulted."And then I forced myself to drink some tea, even though my throat was still tight and my eyes were still hot and wet.
Araxis shifted next to me, just slightly."I am looking forward to spending more time with you," he said softly, his knee nudgingmine in a gentle touch.I glanced back, and he was smiling – something small and private, there in the quiet of the dining room while everyone else on the ship slept.I tilted my head toward him as it rested against the wall, watching his dark eyes, the way the shadows caught on the sharp line of his jaw and gathered under the collar of his shirt; how his fingers looked as he reached to hold his cup once more, throat bobbing as he drank his tea.
I watched him in silence, and I felt… content.
Well, almost.
I wanted to kiss him then, to reach out and catch his chin in my fingers and press my mouth gently to the corner of his.I wanted to lick the taste of sweet tea from his mouth, to drink him down like a balm.I wanted to savour every drop of kindness he had so that I could remember what it was like to be treated gently, as if my feelings mattered, like that was something I could carry with me when things ended.
I looked at him and my heart ached, and I didn't understand why.But I knew I wanted him, and it wasn't in the way I'd wanted him back in the den.I wanted his softness too.I wanted that for myself, greedy; Iwasvoracious, like I'd been starving my whole life, and here was someone offering up a feast and smiling at me while I devoured every scrap.
I don't know what he saw in my eyes, then.Maybe he read it all; maybe he just saw hunger and thought I was being particularly virra.Or maybe he started to feel guilty, even then, when he realized what he'd done to me and how happy I was to follow his lead: guileless, gullible, naive,desperate.
Regardless of what he saw, Araxis set his cup on the tray before standing.He gathered my empty cup too and took the tray back into the kitchen."You should try to sleep, Sashen," he murmured, offering a hand.
I reached for him like a drowning man, and he held me at arm's length – then, at least.Was it guilt?Or was it calculation?I don't know, but I think it was in that moment that I first felt myself fall toward him, inevitable.It was then when the first seeds took root, something new and unfamiliar.I just didn't know they'd grow into poison later.
Chapter 6 –Private Lessons
I woke groggy and unsteady in the morning, and felt a profound wash of embarrassment as I peeled out of Araxis's jacket, folding it and tucking it under my pillow again.I'd been wearing it last night in the dining room; he'd seen, because of course he had.So he knew I'd been wearing it when I was in bed.It was one thing to wear it when I wanted him to see; it was another to be caught living in it in the privacy of the night.I was mortified, and then spent some time trying to persuade myself that he would have assumed I'd had it on because I was cold but… Well.I couldn't convince myself of that one, no matter how many times I repeated it.
I didn't want to waste any of my remaining time feeling embarrassed, so I decided that it was probably endearing.And even though he hadn't kissed me in the dining room and he hadn't invited me into his room, I was sure he'd thought about doing both of those things – I certainly had – and I'd felt the way his stare had lingered as he bid me good night after we'd walked up to our rooms.
It felt like we were connected in some way, tethered, and that the string that pulled taut between us was growing shorter, drawing us closer.I'd experienced that before, when I'd had a client I particularly liked and we drew things out before falling into bed, but this was… different.Maybe because I had more time.Maybe because there was a strange tenderness with Araxis that made the whole world feel off-kilter.Like I couldn't quite find my feet, but I wasn't afraid of falling either; I believed, deep in my body, that with him there was a soft landing waiting for me.So maybe it wasn't embarrassment churning in my stomach, but anticipation.
I liked anticipation.I liked it a whole lot, and once I'd shaken off some of the weariness, Iwasalmost giddy with it.
The ship was quiet again when I finally got up and headed out, almost eerily so; one day had felt like a fluke, and more felt decidedly like a pattern.I wandered around a bit, my hands wrapped around the large stoneware mug I'd poured my breakfast soup into,wondering if I might see anyone else.Most of the doors on the second floor were shut, and those that weren't yawned open into dark rooms.Having spent one day being very good and not nosy, and now having permission to make myself at home, I decided to indulge my curiosity and started exploring a bit more thoroughly.I stepped into a few rooms, dim lights flickering on overhead, but there wasn't much of interest: a messy lab; a storage room filled with what looked like clean clothes and broken datapads and other gear; the systems room, with its humming water cycler and air composition system, both of which looked to have seen better days.
I was having a look at the batteries, tucked into a room not much bigger than a closet just behind the water tanks, when I heard a soft scuffing behind me.I twisted away from the batteries, which I'd been leaning against to soak up the gentle warmth they generated to take the edge off the constant chill that hung everywhere in this ship.Standing in the door to the systems room was the shortest child from the first night – Talvi, their crest white and tightly bound.This morning, they wore a gray tunic.Their feet were bare on the metal floor, and were long and angular: their weight rested on the front part of their foot, like they were on their tip-toes.Four toes extended from the front of their foot and ended in trimmed claws, a fifth mid-way up the inner arch of the foot.The pale skin of their foot tapered to pink in a rougher, more scale-like texture.
I'd only seen Araxis in his perfectly polished boots.It struck me as strange that a child would wander about bare-foot, but then what did I know?Maybe it was good for the constitution.
I smiled down at Talvi."Hi."
"What are you doing?"asked the child, blinking up at me.They stepped into the systems room, edging closer to me until they had to tilt their sharp chin upwards as they stared at my face, pale braid trailing further down their narrow back.
Well, I guess it might seem a little weird if a random stranger was lurking around a ship's most sensitive systems, slurping on the dregs of some soup."The batteries are warm.And it's pretty cold on your ship, for me anyway."It seemed the safest approach.
Talvi's black eyes seemed enormous for the size of their head, which came no higher than my hip.They considered my words for a moment, and then nodded."I like to sit here sometimes.But I don'thugthe batteries."They trilled, short and sharp – a laugh – and crinkled their nose in amusement.
"Yeah, I guess I look pretty silly."I felt, inexplicably, the urge to reach down and ruffle their quills, even though that was probably inappropriate for abaya.
"Very silly," they agreed firmly, a smile widening their mouth."Want to come see my other hiding places?But you can't tell Sadin.He would just take them!"
When had I last been around children?Not since Seraphim, beyond seeing a few in the markets back on Yellow Fin if I got a free morning to head out.And while this child had been wary and prickly just the other night, they seemed eager and earnest in the way that I remembered from spending time with the younger children when I was growing up.As if a grown-up could be your truest confidante, your greatest friend.
The adults I'd trusted had taught me that I couldn't rely on anyone other than myself to know what was best for me.They'd taken any choice I had about who I wanted to be and instead had tried to force me into a shape that nearly broke me.
