"Hey, Ihaveyou," I said, determined.And I did: of course I wouldn't tell anyone.I wouldn't even dream of it.I'd carry his secret with me until the end, and I would carry it with tenderness.I would tuck it somewhere safe beneath my breastbone and I would know that I understood Araxis of Creche Thiel in a way no one else did.Isawhim, like he saw me.
We sat there for awhile longer.I thought about kissing him, but somehow it felt… right to sit there with him instead, as if nothing we could do with our bodies would come close to the intimacy of that moment.There in the dim pink light, we spoke in tones so hushed it was like we knew that the moment we shared was fragile and precious.That night, we were two disparate pieces that, despite impossible odds, somehow still fit together perfectly.The person I was in that moment, the person he was, were like atoms moving in synchronicity across vast cosmic distances.
It felt like one last gift from the universe, to have that soft, perfect moment with him, to know that I could feel that way, that I couldbesomeone who mattered to someone else, that I had within me gentleness, tenderness, and kindness.There were fathoms to myself that I hadn't ever let myself explore, and with Araxis they were all there, potentiality made real.
What makes this so difficult is not knowing how much of it was real.Was any of it?And I don't know what's worse – thinking that it was all a fabrication, that it was all a plan, that I was manipulated in each moment, or thinking that it was real, and he did this to me anyway.That he looked at me and trusted me, that he watched me crack my chest open and present him my heart, still beating in my hands, that he placed his greatest secret inside of me to keep safe, and it didn't change anything at all.
Interlude
There is no corner of my soul that I would not have carved out and placed before him, in order to achieve my ends.
What my ends were then is what they remain now: to see the name of my creche restored to our great Hall of Records; to see the children of Creche Thiel safe and well-loved; to assure they do not know loss in the way that I and my other creche-mates do.
He bared his throat to me, vulnerable.What could I do but show him the same trust?Even if I had known what scrutiny we would be subject to, I would have done the same.
Because, if I am able to survey the contents of my being fully and honestly, I can acknowledge that I told him not just to continue building the fragile alliance between us.I told him also because I knew he would hold the truth of who I am gently, with tenderness.
How desperately I wished to be known by him.Perhaps if I had trusted him sooner, if I had listened in fullness to what he said to me and then acted to honour his needs –
If I had conducted myself in the way I ought to have, everything could have been different.
We might have faced this side-by-side.
Chapter 8 –Cosmic Alignment
"Well,"I gasped the next night, "I think I've officially taught you everything I know.Fuck, you're good, Araxis."I scrubbed hard at my face with my shirt, which I'd taken off entirely earlier in the warm training room.Part of me thought it might work as a distraction and earn me a bit of reprieve, but aside from a few clumsy steps at first, Araxis was as competent and quick as usual.Better than usual.
He smiled at me and practicallypreened."Do you think?"he asked, his own chest heaving.
"Don't play coy."
He trilled, delighted, and paced over to me to gather the practice blades.He plucked them from my hands, fingers brushing my own, and I felt the same, familiar instinct the moment my hands were free: to shove him backwards, or take his face gently, or –
There was another reason I didn't want to fuck him there in the training ring.Do you think it might be different, he had asked me,if you chose just because of how you felt?If I started something here, it would feel like payment.A currency I traded in, just part of the same lessons that had been exchanged for passage.That's certainly usually how these lessons ended with other clients, though we were well past the point where I would have already pulled the trigger.
So instead, I stepped away, jogging over to the edge of the room to grab a water.And because I had to know, I asked, "Does that about cover the trip, or are you going to put me to work scrubbing floors to make up the balance?"
Araxis was elbow-deep in the storage space, tucking the blades away, but he jerked back immediately, looking up at me from where he was crouched.His eyes were pinched in confusion."I don't follow."
I gestured between us with the water."We agreed: I'd provide lessons in exchange for passage.I mean, I think at this rate, you could teachmea few things.Are all sinnenthi this athletic?Part of being a protector?"
He flushed and stood, reaching and plucking the water from my hands to have a drink himself."You owed me nothing for the journey, so the balance is paid.I am only grateful to have had this time – and to learn from you."
I had to be sure."I mean, I've been eating a lot of soup.Are you sure I don't owe you anything else?"
From the charts, I knew we'd be arriving in the Thenat cluster in five days.The time span for this reprieve – this interlude, before the shit of my life caught up with me – was drawing to an end.So I had to know, and I had to knowheknew as well.
Araxis waved a hand, dismissive."You are foolish.There are no debts between us.We are… friends, are we not?"He tested the word, as if unsure.
That same strange tightness gripped my chest as he looked at me with his big black eyes."Yeah, we are."
"In fact, though there are no debts between us, I had thought – Hm."He paused, pushing the bottle back into my grip."I will feed you, something that is not just dasha.Go and shower, and find me in the dining room.And put your shirt on, or the children will have three hundred questions if they see you."He reached out to the middle of my chest and gave me a gentle shove, rocking me back just barely on my heels.
I didn't move, eyebrows inching up as his hand stayed in place for a moment: his palm pressed to the skin between my pecs, chilled against my heat-flushed skin.His stare dropped down to the sight of his fingers splayed there, lips parted just slightly.
"Doyouhave three hundred questions?"My voice was hoarse, low.
As Araxis's eyes flicked up, I could hear an answering rumble – the start of a subvocalization I was unfamiliar with.He let his hand drop."Only one.I will see you in the dining room."
