I folded my arms across my body and stepped closer to the window, looking out at the abyss beyond.There was so much… nothingness.Streaks of light sometimes, other times waves of colour, but so much of it was black.The empty space between stars.The void all around us.
"It started pretty well," I admitted, tightening my arms, squeezing them against my chest until they began to ache.Something to make me feel like I was back in my body, instead of adrift in the nothingness."I guess… I don't know.Do you think it'll work?Is this an absolutely insane plan – to make it seem like we'refalling in loveon galactic television, so that when we enter the arena, we'll be able to take care of each other without anyone crying foul?Will anyone believe it for a second?"
We already knew we'd have to admit to running into each other on Yellow Fin at the den.Araxis could have been seen there, and it was part of my application; there was no avoiding that.But Vivith thought it would make for a good story – that we'd been near each other but hadn't reallymet.That maybe we'd locked eyes, but had missed our chance to connect.We'd planned our entire first interaction on camera around that little fabrication.Our second chance, there in the Tournament.
When I thought too hard about the steps between that first conversation and then hooking up on camera and promising to take care of one another, it seemed so incredibly manufactured, so deliberately plotted, that I couldn't imagine anyone falling for it.
Araxis shiftedbehind me, sliding off the bed; his reflection was pale in the window, his face a streak of white against all the black."I am confident," he said."Even if we misstep, the story is too compelling: they willwantto believe because it will make the arena so much more fraught.And they will imagine one of us will turn on the other in the end, if we survive that long.Like –"
"Yeah, like Edozo and Luxato Bolsin in the 3.179 Tournament."I suppressed a shudder.Vivith had explained with numbers, first, how neither contestant had been expected to make it beyond the first day, but their alliance – their burgeoning romance – had given each of them access to different skills than what they'd come in with, which made them a formidable force together.Until the final day, when Luxato had stabbed Edozo in her tertiary heart and then chewed through her neck, spraying a gout of black blood across the arena sands while the crowd had screamed its frenzied crescendo.That part Vivith had shown me on video.Apparently, the residuals fromthoseviewership numbers were a prize on their own: Edozo's family had apparently been able to buy mining rights to a decently sized asteroid, which I guessed was something some people really cared about.
I turned to look at him, my arms still hard against my torso.Thinking about all of it made me feel unsteady.I liked what we had here, what we werestartingto have here – and I should have been over the moon (over a few of the moons?) to have Araxis determined to pay my debt.He was offering me a way out: a reprieve from a grisly death; safety from Seraphim; a story that we could sell.
I could sell a story.I'd done it every night on the den stage.I'd done it every day of my life.
I just didn't know what he'd offer me after – another debtor's prison, a place to rest, or freedom from everything?Would I leave the arena, debt-free, and just… make my way from there?That was freedom apparently.
Why did freedom –realfreedom – suddenly sound an awful lot like loneliness?
"I think… it's workable," I said finally, studying him."I don't like that we won't be able to talk to each other."
"We'll talk to each other."
"No, we'll talkon camera, and so we won't be able to talk – not really.Not just us."I chewed on the inside of my lip and forced myself to uncross my arms, willing the muscles of my shoulders torelax, to soften.If I wasn't careful, I was going to start shaking – I could feel it now, a quiver somewhere deep inside – and I didn't want to know what would happen once I allowed myself tofeelall of this."I hate that they pull anything you send for overlays.It's justsofucking invasive."
I'd seen the clips, how they spliced in messages sent between contestants with interview voiceovers.It was an impressive operation, sure, and the conglomerate was good at creating a narrative, but it felt pretty different when it was going to beyouthey were turning into a story, beat-by-beat.As much as I'd joked with Vivith, I wasn't a very private person – I didn'thavediaries, not after the failed journal experiment – but it still felt violating.
Although –
"I have an idea."I stepped over to the shelf where I'd set my journal when I had stupidly decided to unpack."What if we passed notes to each other, if we want to?"I flipped open the cover of the battered book and started ripping out pages."I know it'd be a risk, so I guess we couldn't put anything too obvious but… it would be nice to be able to talk to you, just for us.What do you think?"
His face was blank as he watched me, while I continued to rip out pages until I had a good handful.I held them out to him.
"Itisa risk," Araxis said carefully."But… will this help you, to be able to reach me in this way?"
Heat prickled at the back of my neck in a sudden rush of embarrassment.
It was silly, wasn't it?Like I was a kid again, trying to sneak love notes to the boy I liked in class.I looked down at the blank pages in my hand."It's stupid," I muttered, opening the cover of the journal and tucking the loose pages back inside."I mean, we'll be around each other every day.It's not like… "
It's not like I shouldmisshim.I'd see him all of the time – but it wouldn't be him and it wouldn't be me, not really.We wouldn't be us again until after the Tournament ended, when the cameras finally went off.
Eleven days leading up to the Tournament, and up to eleven days of competition – although it was often over after five or six, and once memorably after one day only.And I'd be leaving tomorrow, and that added another day.
Two weeks and change, plus whatever wrap-up would happen if we were successful.IfAraxiswas successful.After that, I'd be disposable.
I thought, suddenly, that maybe it was stupid to leave anything here on this ship.Would I even get to come back?
Fuck, I didn't want to think aboutanyof this.So I decided not to.Instead, I tucked the journal back in my bag; I might as well start packing."How do you feel about fucking on camera, really?Vivith was pretty adamant, although they looked like they'd never thought of something more disgusting in their life – but we don't have to."
The skin between Araxis's eyes tightened."I… find the notion challenging, I will admit.But I am certain I will be able to be convincing."
I was glad he could still be honest with me.Good.That made me feel more like I had solid footing, or as solid as it could be given what was coming."Well, I want to have a plan so that if it doesn't feel right, we can do something else.We won't be able to talk about it openly, so…" I winced.I felt at that moment every bit as dirty as Vivith seemed to think this whole business was, though of course that hadn't stopped them from scheming.
I frowned, thinking of how to be convincing without requiring anything from Araxis that would make him uncomfortable."Obviously, my body is practically a public commodity already, so I don't care – and we can use that to our advantage.What if we were up against a wall, and you could put your hand in my pants, and I'dalsoput a hand in my pants, and I could just get myself off.You wouldn't have to do anything, but it would look like you'd jerked me off.Or if we were in bed and under the covers, you could just, I don't know, grind against my leg for show and I could finish myself off.Can you fake an orgasm?I figure if I come and make a mess – I canpractically come on command, otherwise my time per client would have been awful – then they'll assume it's legitimate and…"
I trailed off.Araxis had shifted closer, his cheeks flushed that pretty rose pink.One hand rested on my hip, and what shocked me wasn't that he was touching me, but that it was, for the first time,tentative.His eyes were wide and black, but unlike the dark of space outside, his stare was anything but empty: it was all heat and quiet intensity, like he was thinking something he couldn't put words to but hoped I would understand nonetheless.
"What do you think?"The words came out breathy, as he pressed in closer, my back against the metal cupboards.
