I was usually good at this, talking to clients, except the last day had left me off-kilter, so instead I found myself staring at the lovely pale column of his neck, and noticing the way his charcoal gray flight suit with its crisp, military angles made him look almost like a toy soldier.Besides, he wasn't a client, and apparently I wasn't a dancer, and the concourse definitely wasn't the den.
Who evenwasI off of the stage and away from the back rooms?Without my price lists and client profiles and the living pulse of light and music?
Thankfully, Araxis of Creche Thiel seemed to take my awkward silence in stride."I am leaving shortly to meet up with my creche's ship.We're due to arrive in Thenat in twelve days, give or take.You are welcome on board if you require passage."
I fought against the urge to bray out a victorious laugh."How much?"
The thoughtful narrowing of his eyes reappeared."How much?"he repeated.
Admittedly, my Standard wasn't as crystal clear as his, but I knew for a fact my accent was consideredgoodif a bitrural– I blame that on my main tutor being a brin colleague who'd grown up in a colony where their primary export was basically space turnips.
"How much do you want for a seat?"
The abaya – Araxis, I reminded myself – looked back at me, his hands still neatly tucked in the small of his back, his posture immaculate.He studied me for a moment, then one corner of his mouth – sweet, with perfectly plush gray lips that hid what I knew were slightly sharp teeth – tugged up."I understand that you… teach?"
"Private lessons," I supplied, some part of my brain kicking into autopilot while I tried to follow the thread."It's an intimate thing, working with a blade.The den has a training suite just for the purpose."Distantly, another part of my brain reminded me that I didn't work there any longer, but what elsecouldI say?
Something about what I'd said made Araxis flush even more, the silver swirling with the faintest hint of pink, like dawn light over a tundra, and he added, hastily and breathily, "Idomean actual swords.While I am – I amcertainyou are skilled in all areas, it is theswordI am keen to study.Like that."He reached out and touched the hilt of one sword, just over my shoulder.His hand was cool as it brushed the edge of my jaw.
Araxis flinched and drew back.
"Sure," I said, grin widening.Oh, he was cute.Shy – I liked shy."Whatever you want."And because I knew more than to push too hard, I rocked back a bit on my heels and shifted my pack on my shoulder."So just to be clear, you're giving me a ride to the Thenat cluster and all you're after is some sword-dancing lessons?"
It was almost a little disappointing.Then again, Khrelen had said abaya were all tied up, and this one had barely been able to say three words to me after a week of watching me dance in the den.
The sunrise pink roiled across his cheeks, and I swear I heard a faint rustling, like wind through a field of wheat."Yes, just so… Sashen."He dipped his head, my name sweet on his purple tongue, then shifted and tucked both hands behind his back again.With a tilt of his head, he gestured toward the nearby berth."I'm docked down here.Was there anything else you needed to gather before departure?I had intended to leave before the winds shift as my meetings have now concluded.It is why Alet Trident suggested I find you."
"I'm good," I said, and I followed the dark outline of Araxis's shoulders as we headed down the berth and to a small silver shuttle that would take us to a ship and then to Thenat beyond.I was probably unreasonably pleased about the whole situation, particularly given the likelihood of my imminent death by a) arena or b) airlock (self-imposed) – but if I had only weeks to live, at least I had a shy abaya for company who seemed awfully flustered by the thought of my sword.
There were worse ways to go.
Interlude
I don't like this part of the story: it is the first moment in which betrayal was a choice I made, and thinking of it makes me wish to curl my body in upon itself and vanish, winking out like a black hole on its way to collapse.But I cannot, for like a black hole, my collapse would mean destruction and ruin.There can be no quite fade to dust for me.I am left only with my shame and my regrets.
I imagine, sometimes, that I might have chosen differently, even then in that moment.But when I reckon with myself while holding the full weight of self-knowledge, I see the inevitability, the gravitational pull toward him.
He stood before me, crest unbound, a tumble of dark curls.In the docks, away from the dark throbbing lights of the marn den, his skin had a warm golden hue, like the dunes of Perthalia where ancient treasures still lie buried.His eyes – green, like chips of jade flecked with gold, surrounded by the white of distant stars – moved as he looked at me, giving away every shift in his attention.Sashen's eyes told me everything, and I would have known what he is from his hungry stare alone even were it not for the throbbing in my chest, the pull deep within my body to lean closer, to reach, to touch.
Sometimes it is easier to blame what I did on the instinctive yearning I felt for him.We are all weak for virra in our own way; I have learned that I am weaker than most.But what I did then was not because of desire; it was not impulse; it was not inevitable.What I did was pure calculation.
I beckoned him to come with me, and he did.I did not tell him of the abayan cruiser that would dock the next day for refuelling before it turned its graceful body toward the Thenat cluster, the impetus for my own timely departure.I did not admit that I had been looking for him, this virra hidden away in a marn den on a lowly station near the Gorelion nebula.I did not tell him anything I should have.
I beckoned, and he came.
I try not to think about what might have happened if I had not betrayed him, this time and the many others.What might have happened if we had met by chance, rather than by design?
I cannot think about that because it is not what happened, and dreams of other pathways are a route to madness.
I do not need yet another reason to loathe who I have become.
Chapter 3 –Sweater Weather
The shuttle was tiny, a sleek silver shape that could accommodate maybe five people inside, depending on the size of the species involved and their comfort with close proximity.I figured Araxis would put me in the narrow seats near the back of the shuttle that were close to the door, but instead he gestured to the seat next to the pilot's chair, a deep curving teal affair that hugged my whole body like a hand when I sat down.I made a startled sound as I sank in deeper than I'd expected, and Araxis tilted his head in my direction, the faintest little smile catching on his mouth.
His lips were awfully pretty too.
I hadn't been on a shuttle since I was fifteen, and even then I was mostly jammed inside of a utility closet, pretending that Alet Trident didn't know I'd stowed away on her ship.Had it really taken me this long to realize that she kneweverything?That she always had fourteen plans and schemes running in different directions?
