Come sit with me,I wrote.And then, emotion tight in my chest as I looked at Araxis's unmoving form, I added,Imissyou.
It was such a small shuttle: just the two seats at the front and the bench at the back, only a few paces of distance between them.But it felt like an impassable gulf then.I clenched the note in my hand; he'd stood like this back in his rooms, when he'd touched me and then told me I was weak.
And I was.I knew that now.
But he carried so much.The least I could do was lighten his burden.Maybe that was how I could help him, since I'd be useless on the sands.
I stepped in behind him, brushing my hand against the line of his shoulder, which was curved forward as if expecting a blow."It's alright," I murmured, brushing my thumb along his shoulder blade."It will all be alright."I slid in close, nudging his hip with my own and, despite my best intentions to not give it all away so easily, I found myself leaning forward and brushing my mouth against the cool skin of his temple.
Araxis was perfectly still next to me, his stare lost in middle distance, but his hand twitched when I pressed the note into it.He glanced down, then back at me, then at the note again.His thumb moved, just slightly, tracing a line beneath my second sentence.
His chin jerked down in the sharpest, smallest nod, and I slid backwards to sit on the plush bench, pullingmy handful of papersinto my lap and offering him the pen as he settled in next to me.I'd have expected him to put some space between us, but he tucked himself firmly against me, our hips and legs touching.
I wanted to tip his head against my shoulder; I wanted to hold him.
I had thought I was good at putting things away, and I might have been able to do that with Araxis as well… but how could something stay buried when it insisted on clawing its way free every time I saw him?What I had tried to smother had taken on its own life, and it refused to be hidden.It refused to be silenced.And every time I saw him, it gained strength and vigour until it was undeniable.
Maybe that was what made me virra: I felt so much, so intensely, that it couldn't be contained.The emptiness, the loneliness, were the shadow; either I felt it all, or I resolved to feel nothing at all.But the intensity always came back.It lived inside of me, bright and alive.
The pen scratched on the paper asAraxiswrote in a beautiful, looping hand, clearly the product of writing in a different alphabet for most of his life.Then he slid the page to me, his hand coming to rest on my thigh; his grip was tight, as if he was afraid to let go.
I'm ashamed of how I spoke to you.I wasso afraidwhenyou were attacked.That fear has since grown into something monstrous, and it became a weapon to hurt you.I am deeply sorry.You shouldn't be here at all.WeI should have thought of something else.
I exhaled, my breastbone aching."I hope you know how much I like you," I said, a little breathless, as I started writing back.
"I hope you know how much I likeyou," he murmured."I do not think you're weak, Sashen.It cannot have been easy, leaving your people or surviving for so many years on your own."
Iwantto be here with you, I wrote.I just hate the idea that I'm another problem for you to solve.I wish
He took the pen from my hand and grabbed the paper, scribbling furiously.Trying to keep up the pretense that we were speaking, I said, "I like your crest like this.Is there… a reason?"
A thin breath fluted out of his nose, his mane rustling slightly, as he finished writing and pushed the note back to me."We braid our crests in public; they are for many of us… hm.A barometer of emotion, though we learn to control ourselves at a young age.Even so, it is customary except in… special circumstances.I wished to come before you bare.I do not wish to hide how I feel."
You are not a problem for me to solve.He had underlined the sentence three times.It is my pleasure to care for you.I have done a poor job thus far, but I wish to do better.
"Then why –" I started, before cutting myself off.Fuck, it was hard to juggle two conversations at once.I'd nearly asked why he'd gotten so upset with me."Sorry, I don't mean to pry," I finished lamely.
Maybe I'd like to care foryouas well, I wrote.That’s why I didn’t just want to leave you.I'll help however I can.Just tell me what to do.I'm yours.You know that.
He was silent for a long moment, staring at the words I'd written.His fingers traced over the letters."You aren't prying," he murmured, lingering overI'm yours."You know little about our culture.How could you?We share only the smallest slivers with the outside world.We are a private people."He huffed, then, a thin sound."I find some of our practices challenging to understand myself."
"I'd like to learn," I offered, waiting for his written response.When none was forthcoming, I added, "I told you that I'll yield on the first day.What happens after that?"
"Then I will win," Araxis said, plain.His hand still brushed against the paper, our two scripts at odds on the page.Mine, angular and sloppy; his, precise and elegant.Didn't that just say it all?"And then you will be free of your debt, Sashen, and you will be able to choose your future."
I took the paper back.Why were you so upset when I saw you after the fight?I almost added that he'd never spoken to me like that before – but I couldn't bring myself to make my feelings another burden for him to carry.
He took it back and wrote,I was afraid of what else might happen to you.He paused, then added,I did not know how much you could bleed and still survive, Sashen, and I do not think your survival was a given.I was covered in your blood, soaked in it, and
His hand froze.
I swallowed, throat dry, and peeled the paper away from him."And what comes next for you?"I asked, quiet, hoping desperately he would look at me and understand what I was asking.I couldn't ask him, not in writing and certainly not aloud, but I hoped heheardme.I hoped he understood.
But he didn't look at me, staring down at his hands on his lap."Creche Thiel will travel to theGreatHall and finalize our petition.We will spendmuchtime in Xitera, the heart of our empire, as we make our caseand assume our rightful place in the Assembly.It is a long road ahead, but it is a righteous one.It is my honour to serve our people in this way."
Please don't cut me out again, I scribbled, not sure what else to put, although it felt like a fruitless request.Araxis would do whatever he thought was right.I understood that, but we were meant to be a team.We were working together.Weworkedtogether, our jagged pieces fitting like the crystalline shards of a geode that had been cracked open.I can take a lot of things, but that–
I stopped, scribbled out that last sentence, and tried again.We're here together.I promise you can trust me like I trust you.I trust youentirely.I know I'm no one important, but I swear I will do anything to help you and yourcreche.
