His crest rustled, quiet."It will all be over soon," Araxis said.His hands tightened, ever so slightly, at my waist, and he smiled, something small and hesitant.
I knew that.And Araxis would win, and we'd go our separate ways.I just wasn't ready for that part yet.Maybe I'd never be ready for that part."Can I stay with you tonight?"I asked, feeling reckless.The worst he could say was no, and I'd have a broken heart either way.
He flushed, then, and nodded.We tidied up and Araxis vanished to the engine out back to hide the paper we'd written on.I wondered if I should write anything else before we left this little sanctuary.I composed a half dozen different notes in my head while he was in the back of the shuttle.
Can I come with you after the Tournament?That made me sound like a lost puppy.
I don't want a future without you.Definitely pathetic.
I'd love to spend some time with the kids before you go to Xitera.A coward's way to broach the subject.
Question, do space princes ever have concubines?I'm available!Insulting to us both.
Or the worst, and the one my mind kept catching on:I think I'm in love with you.Humiliating.Impossible.
So in the end, I wrote nothing, and we ambled our way back through those empty hallways and the many staircases.On the way, I told him about the voltaari who had spoken to me – he knew, based on what I'd said, that it had been Atosha because on top of everything else, he was a much better student than I was – and he sounded pleased to be able to spare their life.We didn't see anyone else until we made our way back into the stairwell of the main building, and then, just past the fourth floor, we rounded a corner and found Andiri stepping out onto the landing.Her dark eyes skated over the pair of us, her crest rustling and bristling as her eyes grew wide andimpossibly black.I saw her stare land on the mark Araxis had left on my neck, and her crest flared to life behind her, blowingbigandwide.
Araxis drew to a stop, gesturing for me to move past him, and he positioned his body between Andiri and the path I would take upstairs.I slid by and he said something firm in abayan, his own crest rippling gently, before he followed me up the rest of the distance to his room.There, he stepped into the shower while I took a moment to sprawl on his bed and inhale deeply, my face pressed against his pillow.
When he emerged, draped in a robe and freshly scrubbed, I moved to the edge of the bed and sat next to him.Araxis's hands raised as he began threading his fingers through his crest in efficient, practiced movements, braiding the quills back into place.
I watched, quiet.He shot me a brief, sideways look with the smallest smile."I cannot do it quite so neatly as my sibling, Vivith.They did a ceremonial braid before I left.The children helped."His mouth quirked on the last word,andwarmthunfurledin my chestat the thought.
Yeah, I bet they helped.I bet they made a mess and were silly and squirmy and so,soproud of him.
"Could I help?"I asked, nudging his leg with my knee.
Araxis's stare shifted away, his fingers tidily tucking, folding, and rolling segments of his crest."Braiding is only done by members of one's creche," he said quietly."It's quite… intimate."
Oh.I pulled on a practiced smile."I understand," I said, the warmth draining from my chest."I might head back to my room to clean up.I'll see you downstairs?"
He nodded, his robe slipping just a bit from one shoulder as he shifted his arms to finish the final section of his braid."Thank you," he said as I stood, still not looking at me."For… everything."
I watched him for another moment, sitting there on the edge of the bed and carefully pulling himself back together.He was so beautifulthat it almost hurt to look at him – pale and angular, each movement graceful and studied."Well, I'm yours," I said gently, and then I slipped from his room and went down to my own space to try and putmyselfback together.To bury that box deep again, although it was certainly beginning to feel like an exercise in futility.
I stood in the shower for too long, letting the heat scour away sensation from my skin, and I resigned myself to the fact that I wasn't just fallingin lovewith him.I had fallen.Iwasin love with him.How could I not be?How could anyone not be?
I'd never had a chance, not from the first moment we locked eyes in the den until now, when I'd follow anywhere he led in exchange for the barest scraps of his attention, the shadow of affection.
I would love him when he left me, no matter to which disparate ends of the universe we were flung, and I thought I could be okay with that.I knew that some part of my heart would always beat with his – no doubt the best part, the only part worth anything at all.We were too entangled for me to ever extricate myself,to fall out of the cosmic synchronicity that had pulled us together – not that I would want to.
If these last few hours were all I got – if I was able to walk away with the memory of the moments we had shared; if I'd been able to feel this, just once in my life; if at leastIknew how much he meant tome– it would have to be enough.It was more than I'd ever had before, and I would force myself to cherish every dwindling moment we had together, even if my chest ached the whole time.
Inclusion #61
Transcript, excerpt of unedited footage of Day 11 interview with Sashen Solar
Interviewer, ketaari moniker Sky Pebble
SP: We've got to talk about the shuttle.
SS: Do we?
SP: You know we do.What was going through your mind when Araxis took you beneath the complex?
SS: Can I be honest with you here, Sky Pebble?
SP: That's really all I'm looking for.
