A file pinged on my wrist display, and I flicked it up so that the map of the arena hovered before me.There were twelve numbered spots throughout the arena, but not at even intervals.I squinted, trying to see a pattern.
Do the drop locations make the conglomerate's logo?I asked.Because that's kind of tacky.Also, there aren't twelve of us.
Twelve is a number that attracts wealth, Silver Sea wrote back.And yes, you are correct.Ideally, you will be at Location 11 and Araxis will be at Location 12.
I could see why she said that: 11 was far away from all other drop points except 12, which curved a little closer to 3 and 4.
It was something else Icouldworry about, but what was the point?I didn't get to choose where I was shoved onto the sands, and I didn't get to choose where anyone else was.My objective was the same: get to Araxis, yield, and survive that first day.Thankfully, each 'day' was only an hour of actual competition, compiled from seemingly endless cameras to make a robust stream of entertainment with commentary before, during, and after.
I sucked thoughtlessly on my straw, chewing the end as I stared at the map.
Make it to Araxis.Yield.Watch him win.Then…
Can we have a meeting after the Tournament is over?I'd like to talk about options.I typed it out quickly before I could regret it.Maybe having an actual path mapped out beyond 'feel sad' would help me.Across the room, Araxis had queued up a holo opponent that had rushed him as soon as it had materialized.Araxis launched into a series of lighting-fast blows, knocking the imaginary voltaari back with ease.
Silver Sea's response chimed.It is good you are still hopeful that you will survive.Yes, we can arrange this.Are you not planning to go to Xitera?
I huffed.Well, I definitely haven't been invited.Personally, I think I'd make a great concubine.
She sent back a little cartoon of herself, laughing, her golden eyes crinkled.I will reserve a flexible space in my schedule to meet with you.I am certain I could arrange a number of commercial contracts that leverage your audience engagement metrics for profit.Leave it with me.
When I looked back up, the holo had been obliterated, and Araxis was puttingthe practiceswords away.Every movement was precise and careful, each gesture part of an elaborate dance only he knew the steps to.
I chewed on the end of my straw, watching him.When he finally glanced my way, a smile curvedmy mouth,unbidden,and I pushed myself off the floor, wandering over to join him."How about I make you some tea," I offered, jostling his shoulder as we headed out of the training rooms and back toward the other common areas."And then we can look over the arena map and make a plan for what might happen if we're dropped far apart."
"Yes, that is a wise course of action."Then, a beat later, his nose crinkling in amusement, he added, "Are you quite certain you're well?I have been reading about your physiology.Has your core temperature spiked?"
I rolled my eyes."I don't have afever.And I'm allowed to want to get you alone so we can look at a map and talkstrategyfor hours.I'm a complex person.And if I like thebeing alonepart bestand whatmight comeafterstrategizing, well."I shrugged, and the private, pleased smile he sent me sent a thrill down my spine.
I could play to the audienceandmake him happy, at least for the final moments we had together.So that's what we did – we strategized and planned, exploring best and worst case scenarios.He outlined opponents' weaknesses with incisive commentary, assuring I could recite best approaches back no matter who I might end up stuck near.He stressed at great length that I should be wary of Andiri, suggesting that my best course of action would be evasion; barring that, he suggested that I run.He'd been tracking her speed and was confident I could outrun her, at a sprint anyway.
Personally, I thought that if I was trying to out-sprint someone keen on bashing my head in, my days were probably numbered, but I didn't want to upset Araxis so I dutifully repeated back the strategy he outlined and was pleased whenhelooked pleased.
We stopped only long enough to gather food to take back to his rooms, and then once my head was buzzing with a thousand permutations of what was going to be an awful, bloody day no matter how we sliced it, I fell into bed next to him –and while there was a part of me hoping that we might try some of the other ideas I’d come up with for hooking up here without beingtoosurveilled, I don’t know.It felt good to just be there with him and to refuse to give the conglomerate any more titillating footage to air.Instead,Araxis pulled me close, holding me against his chest as his nose nuzzled the back of my neck.He pressed a soft kiss to the mark he'd left earlier, and I willed myself to just be there with him.To make that moment stretch into eternity.To allow it to become my past, my present, my future; I luxuriated in it, knowing that things would change tomorrow.
And while I did fall asleep eventually – the feeling of being held, the warmth of his body, and the gentle rumble of his chest lulling me to sleep – I drifted for a long time in the space between sleeping and waking, suffused with contentment.It should have been impossible, butlet myself driftinto some perfect micro-dimension of the universe, and there with him, I finally knew what it felt like to be happy, deep down in the marrow of my bones and in every cell of my body.
I wish it could have lasted forever.But nothing can, and fantasies built on foundations of sand are bound to come crashing down eventually.It's just a question of who gets crushed beneath them when they do.We all know how this goes, don't we?Of course it was me, left bloodied and broken and ruined.I just hadn't realized that it would be Araxis who would raze what we were building to the ground.
There's a saying about plans and how they never survive contact with the enemy.I don't know if that's a uniquely human idea, but it was certainly true in my case, because all the hours we'd spent planning – before arriving on Thenat-6 and as we drew nearer and nearer to stepping foot in the arena – amounted to nothing when I made contact with Seraphim.Or I guess when they made contact with me.
We slogged through a morning of individual media interviews and a subsequent panel with all of the contestants, which largely amounted to everyone being asked about their strategy, saying some variation of either they planned to survive or they were keeping their plans under wraps, and then they'd say thanks to the people who cared about them.Morbidly, after the panel, we all had to step into a booth and film a goodbye message for the viewing audience to be played if (when?) we were killed.
My own answers at the panel were pretty spartan: yes, I planned to yield; no, I didn't want to kill anyone, but I sure would if they came at me; thanks to the clients who'd come to see me dance over the years and to Alet Trident for giving me a chance; thanks to my ketaari handler who'd helped me here at the village.And, just because I might as well, I added that I was grateful to Grigor Spade in a way, because being afraid of him had finally given me the courage to kiss Araxis.The crowd had tittered a little at the wordkiss– by then, everyone had heard the extended cut of our hook-up down in the shuttle, so they were well aware that we were way pastkissing– before moving on to the next set of questions for the feathered auvril at the other end of the table.
Next to me on the panel, Araxis remained unaffected, poised and pale, but his hand touched mine under the table briefly, so I knew he'd liked that.
It was when I had to step into the little dark booth to film my goodbye message that the gravity of what I was doing hit me yet again.I was pretty good at not thinking about it most of the time.We had a plan, Araxis and I.We hadmultipleplans.Vivith had helped make them, and they were so brilliant that they made everyone else's lives difficult just by existing in close enough proximity.That was the kind of genius you wanted on your side.
But I knew, as the director prompted me to speak my final words into the camera, that I could actually die tomorrow.
And then what?Then I'd be nothing but dust and a memory, and a lot of residuals for Silver Sea to claim.I was sure Talvi would remember me, and Adrathi and Sadin too.And that was good.That was… really good.
Despite myself, my eyes stung with tears as I squared myself and looked into the camera.I cleared my throat, taking a long, deep breath.
"I've never been afraid of dying," I said, looking into the blank lens of the camera.Soft lights were glowing behind the camera, casting me in purples and pinks and creamy yellows.Romantic and warm.I smiled, despite the tears prickling at the corners of my eyes."When I grew up on Seraphim, they told us that our lives didn't matter, exceptin howwe could be of use to the Shepherds, and becauseour mortal livesdetermined what happened to us for eternity.So it wasn't dying I was afraid of: it was what would come after, because I knew, deep down in my heart, that if what they said was true, I was bound for somewhere awful, just because of who I am."
My teeth chewed on the inside of my lip for a moment and I looked away, blinking rapidly to clear away the tears.When I looked back up, I couldn't see Nay'li's face, just the outline of her lanky bodybehind the camera, and others standingfurther backas well."I'm not afraid of dying because I think I've done a good job of living.And when I die, I'm not going anywhere bad: I'll be dust in the cosmos,unimportant, drifting on the currents and eddies that curl through the galaxy.It will happen one day, no matter what, and I'd rather go out on my terms.It's not… the freedom, so much, that I want.It's to be freefromthe shame and fear I grew up with.If my child self could see me now, I think he'd be amazed."Imagining myself as a childmade me think, of course, of the children of Creche Thiel – and if Ididdie out there, I wanted to soften the blow.So I added, throat tight, "Maybe some day other kids will see that even though I had a hard start, I set my own path and followed it withmy head held high.I got to decide who I am and what I want, and I'm… proud of what I've done and who I've become.Yeah, I guess I am proud.No matter what."
