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'Sure,' I replied. 'Is there anything else I shouldn't do?'
Lush looked at me and then looked at the panel in the front row.
'Is there?'
They all mumbled among themselves for a few seconds.
'I think,' said Flanker, 'that we – sorry, you – should just do the interview and then we can discuss it later. Miss Next can say whatever she wants as long as it doesn't contravene any SpecOps or Goliath corporate guidelines.'
'Or military,' added Colonel Rabone, anxious not to be left out.
'Is that okay?' asked Lush.
'Whatever,' I returned, eager to get on with it.
'Excellent! I'll do your intro, although you'll be off-camera for that. The floor manager will cue you and you'll enter. Wave to where the audience might have been and when you are comfy I'll ask you some questions. I may offer you some toast at some point as our sponsors, the Toast Marketing Board, like to get a plug in now and again. Is there any part of that you don't understand?'
'No.'
'Good. Here we go.'
He had his hair arranged down to the last follicle, his costume tweaked and the pieces of tissue paper removed from his collar. I was ushered off-stage and, after what seemed like an epoch of inactivity, Lush was counted in by a floor manager. On cue he turned to Camera 1 and switched on his best smile.
'Tonight is a very special occasion with a very special guest. She is a decorated war heroine, a literary detective whose personal intervention not only restored the novel Jane Eyre but actually improved the ending. She single-handedly defeated Acheron Hades, ended the Crimean War and boldly hoodwinked the Goliath Corporation. Ladies and gentlemen, in an unprecedented interview from a serving SpecOps officer, please give a warm welcome to Thursday Next of the Swindon LiteraTec office … !'
A bright light swung on to my entrance doorway and Adie smiled and tapped my arm. I walked out to meet Lush, who rose to greet me enthusiastically.
'Excuse me,' came a voice from the front row. It was Schitt-Hawse, the Goliath representative.
'Yes?' asked Lush in an icy tone.
'You're going to have to drop the reference to the Goliath Corporation,' said Schitt-Hawse in the sort of tone that brooks no argument. 'It serves no purpose other than to needlessly embarrass a large company that is doing its very best to improve everyone's lives.'
'I agree,' said Flanker, 'and all references to Hades will have to be avoided. He is still listed as "missing, fervently hoped dead", so any unauthorised speculation might have dangerous consequences.'
'Okay,' murmured Lush, scrubbing a note. 'Anything else?'
'Any reference to the Crimean War and the Plasma rifle,' said the colonel, 'might be considered inappropriate. The peace talks at Budapest are still at a delicate stage; the Russians will make any excuse to leave the table. We know that your show is very popular in Moscow.'
'The Brontë Federation is not keen for you to say the new ending is improved,' put in the small and bespectacled Chesterman, 'and talking about any of the characters you met within Jane Eyre might cause some viewers to suffer Xplkqulkiccasia. It's so serious that the English Medical Council were compelled to make up an especially unpronounceable word to describe it.'
Lush looked at them, looked at me and then looked at his script.
'How about if I just said her name?'
'That would be admirable,' intoned Flanker, 'except you might also want to assure the viewers that this interview is uncensored. Everyone else agree?'
They all enthusiastically added their assent to Flanker's suggestion. I could see this was going to be a very long and tedious afternoon.
Lush's entourage came back on and made the tiniest adjustments. I was repositioned and, after waiting what seemed like another decade, Lush began again.
'Ladies and gentlemen, in a frank and open interview tonight, Thursday Next talks unhindered about her work at SpecOps.'
No one said anything so I entered, shook Lush's hand and took a seat on his sofa.
'Welcome to the show, Thursday.'
'Thank you.'
