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'How can they present this as art?' he asked. 'It looks just like a rubbish bin!'
'It is a rubbish bin,' I replied. 'That's why it's next to the refreshments table.'
'Oh!' he said, then asked me how the press conference went.
'Kaine is fishing for votes,' he told me when I had finished. 'Got to be. A hundred million might buy you some serious airtime for advertising but putting Cardenio in the public domain could sway the Shakespeare vote – that's one group of voters you can't buy.'
I hadn't thought of this.
'Anything else?'
Bowden unfolded a piece of paper.
'Yes. I'm trying to figure out the running order for my stand-up comedy routine tomorrow night.'
'How long is your slot?'
'Ten minutes.'
'Let me see.'
He had been trying out his routine on me, although I protested that I probably wasn't the best person to ask. Bowden himself didn't find any of the jokes funny, although he understood the technical process involved.
'I'd start off with the penguins on the ice floe,' I suggested, looking at the list as Bowden made notes, 'then move on to the pet centipede. Try the white horse in the pub next and if that works well do the tortoise that gets mugged by the snails – but don't forget the voice; then move on to the dogs in the waiting room at the vet's and finish with the one about meeting the gorilla.'
'What about the lion and the baboon?'
'Good point. Use that instead of the white horse if the centipede goes flat.'
Bowden made a note.
'Centipede … goes … flat. Got it. What about the man going bear-hunting? I told that to Victor and he sprayed Earl Grey out of both nostrils at once.'
'Keep it for an encore. It's three minutes long on its own – but don't hurry. Let it build – then again, if your audience is middle-aged and a bit fuddy-duddy I'd drop the bear, baboon and the dogs and use the greyhound and the racehorses instead – or the one about the two Rolls-Royces.'
'Canapés?' said Mum, offering me a plate.
'Got any more of those prawny ones?'
'I'll go and see.'
I followed her into the vestry, where she and several other members of the Women's Federation were getting food ready.
'Mum, Mum,' I said, following her to where the profoundly deaf Mrs Higgins was laying doilies on plates, 'I must talk to you.'
'I'm busy, sweetness.'
'It's very important.'
She stopped doing what she was doing, put everything down and steered me to the corner of the vestry, just next to a worn stone effigy, reputedly a follower of St Zvlkx.
'What's the problem that's more important than canapés, o daughter-my-daughter?'
'Well,' I began, unsure of how to put it, 'remember you said how you wanted to be a grandmother?'
'Oh, that,' she said, laughing, 'I've known you've had a bun in there for a while – I was just wondering when you were going to tell me.'
'Wait a minute!' I said, feeling suddenly cheated. 'You're meant to be all surprised and tearful.'
