I stop halfway up, hand on a maple trunk, and breathe.
Could you take it easy on me?I think down at my belly.We’re going to go visit Aunt Gi. I’d like to have some air in my lungs when we get there.
I get a wave of nausea in response. Well, at least there are open lines of communication between us.
It takes me a minute to find her. But then I round the corner and there she is. Section 119. A simple granite marker, rose-gray.
GIANA LORELAI MADDEN
BELOVED DAUGHTER AND SISTER
1989 — 2021
It’s simple. Maybe too simple? Looking at it now, though, I think Gi would’ve liked the plainness of it. She always thought epitaphs were tacky.If they have to spell out on a rock that you were a good person, you probably weren’t,she said once at our grandmother’s funeral. Mom had hissed at her to shush, and I’d laughed into my sleeve for ten solid minutes.
I lower myself down onto the grass in front of the stone. It’s been a warm April, but the ground is still cold through my jeans, even though the sun is doing its best.
I lay the peonies along the base. The coral catches the light and seems to glow, pink and perfect.
“Hi, Gi.”
The wind moves a little in the maples above me. At the bottom of the hill, a groundskeeper’s mower whirs to life.
“I, um...” I rub the heel of my hand in my eye, suddenly tired for no reason at all. “I’m sorry I haven’t come to see you in a littlewhile. Things have been busy, to say the least. There’s a lot to catch you up on.”
I dig my fingers into the grass on either side of me.
“I got him, though.” I let out a wet laugh. “Can you believe that? I got him. It wasn’t pretty, and it wasn’t me who pulled the trigger in the end, which I know is a little embarrassing for the home team. But hey, a win’s a win, and we won. He’s gone, Gi. Raymond isgone.”
I pause and reminisce. I’ll never forget the joy I felt when that sleeping pill dragged me under, and then the confused terror I felt when I was woken up by the SWAT team.
The highs and lows of murder plots by amateurs, I suppose. This was always destined to be a bumpy ride.
The wind comes through the maple boughs again, and I swear—Iswear—I hear something in it. A laugh, to be specific.Herlaugh, to be even more specific. The laugh that filled a room, scratchy at the bottom and bright at the top, the one I would do terrible things to hear one more time.
Maybe I’m imagining it. Probably. But I’ll still take that for the blessing it is.
“There’s something else,” I tell her while I wipe my face with the inside of my sleeve. “There’s a man. He’s waiting for me down at the gate. He’s been pretty important to this whole business. His name is Matvei, and he’s— I mean,niceprobably isn’t the right word. Actually, on paper, he’s, like, really terrible. He’s a born killer with criminal ties, a billion tattoos, and some very old-fashioned ideas about chivalry and etiquette. I think you’d like him—eventually. There’d be some head-butting along the way, for sure. You’re both so damn stubborn. But I can just see yoursmile once you came around. You’d give me that little pinch in the ribs and say,Cassie, you little skank, well-done. You picked a good one.”
More wind. More imagined laughter.
“The important part is that he’sgood, Gi. He’s so good to me. I didn’t know what that was supposed to feel like. I thought I did, but I didn’t. He showed me how good it could be to let yourself be loved.”
I let my hand drift, finally, to my stomach.
“Oh. Yeah. Almost forgot. There’s a baby, too. His, I should clarify. I think it’s a girl, for no real reason at all. Just, like, womanly intuition or whatever.” I hesitate for a minute. “And if she is, I’d like to name her in your honor. Is that okay? Could you sign off on that for me?”
The wind wafts again. The maples shush each other.
I take that as a yes.
I sit there a while longer. I tell her about Dani’s fireman, who just proposed, and about moving in with Matvei, and all the thousand other little things that have changed in the last few weeks. I promise her I’ll be back soon, with more flowers.
When I finally push up off the grass, my knees ache, my eyes are swollen and my nose is running, but I feel lighter than I have in five years.
I press two fingers to my lips, then to the top of the stone.
“Bye, Gi. Love you, dummy.”
