“Miss?” His hands are lifted as if in surrender and I can see the worry in his gaze. He takes another careful step closer and my chest heaves. He’s approaching me like I’m some rabid animal. I need … I need …
Janessa takes two steps to her left and suddenly she’s blocking him from my view. She says something but I don’t hear it. I can’t hear anything over the roaring in my ears.
His hands aren’t the same.I tell myself again and again like a mantra that will somehow make this all better. I try to think of something else. Anything else. But then my mind latches onto Roman and how mad he must be with me right now. How disappointed all of them are. I promised I’d be there. They’d wanted me to be there. And then I wasn’t.
Janessa tugs on my sleeve and I glance up, she guides me around the officers and I don’t miss their pity as she ushers me outside the hospital doors.I don’t want their pity.
When we’re outside I slowly start locking myself down. I will my mind to go numb. To block out everything I’m feeling. To forget everything that happened. I just want to forget it all.
TWENTY-SEVEN
Allie
Iwake with a start. My chest heaves and my eyes pop open. Daylight filters in through my bedroom curtains, letting me know it’s morning. Or maybe afternoon. It doesn’t matter.
I stare up at the ceiling, willing myself to go back to sleep. I don’t want to be awake. It hurts too much.
There’s a knock at my door.
I ignore it.
Another knock.
I roll to my side just as the door opens. “Allie,” Janessa calls.
I squeeze my eyes shut hoping she’ll think I’m asleep and leave me alone.
She doesn’t.
I hear her steps fall across the carpet as she comes closer. My bed dips under her weight as she sits on the corner. I stiffen when she reaches out and touches my leg. “Allie, you need to eat something. Why don’t you come downstairs? Your father ordered breakfast. It’ll be good for you to get out of bed.”
I say nothing.
She tries another tactic. “Some friends of yours from school have stopped by.”
They have? A part of me wants to know who. Wants to know if it was Roman. If he’s still angry with me? He hasn’t messaged me since that night and I miss him but … every time a man has come close to me I’ve panicked. Gerald tried speaking to me once. I freaked out. I curled into a ball like a child and sobbed. I still don’t know why. It just happened and I couldn’t stop it.
He hired a doctor to come look at me. That didn’t go well either. For the past three days the only person that I've allowed in my room has been Janessa. I don’t like it when she’s close, and I really don’t like it when she touches me, but at least her presence doesn’t send me into a mindless panic. It’s enough.
So, while I might want to see Roman, I don’t want him to see me like this. I don’t want to risk losing myself again. With him. But curiosity burns through me so I open my eyes and ask, “Who?”
She shifts her weight. “A few boys. Two Latinos and a black guy. They said they were your friends?”
I nod.
“What did you tell them?”
“That you weren’t seeing visitors right now.”
I swallow. “Anything else?”
She’s quiet for a moment and I hold my breath. “I didn’t tell them what happened but … one of the boys got angry when I refused to let him in. He started shouting. I might have yelled at him. Told him you didn’t want to see anyone. Even him.” She grips my leg in apology. “He didn’t seem happy. I’m sorry, sweetheart. I just didn’t know how else to make him leave.”
I blink back the moisture in my eyes. “It’s okay.”
She sighs and stands to leave. “Will you at least think about coming down to eat?”
I nod, knowing I won’t. I haven’t left my bed since that night to do anything more than use the bathroom or shower. Something I’ve been doing at least three times a day. Sometimes more. I can’t seem to get the feel of his hands off of me. The smell of his skin.
