5CECILIA
Igo home after class, but the first thing out of my parents’ mouths is to ask about Gabriel. I haven’t told them we ended things. Not yet.
Life is finally going back to normal for me. They still hover. That’s not going to change anytime soon. Not after the suicide attempt. But they’ve chilled with the fifth degree whenever I walk through the door.
Mom doesn’t watch me like I’m a ticking time bomb she’s waiting to see explode.
I don’t want things to go back to that. So when my Dad asks why they haven’t seen Gabriel around this past week, I lie. I tell him Gabe’s doing extra training for an upcoming game and that I’m only here to drop off my school bag and grab some things before heading back to campus to watch his practice.
It kills me to lie to my parents, but what choice do I have?
Better a small white lie than breaking their hearts. I know they want what’s best for me. They want me to be happy. But everyone needs to give me some breathing room so I can figureout what happiness looks like for myself. So I can sort out how to move on.
My phone buzzes, and I quickly glance at the screen.
“Speak of the devil,” I tell my mom, flashing the screen in her direction long enough for her to read his name on the screen.
Her smile is wide when I tell her, “Gotta run.”
“Alright, honey. Have fun.”
I swipe across the screen to open the message.
Gabriel: Hey.
Butterflies dance in my stomach as I stare down at the words. We’re not really talking, but after today I guess we’re notnottalking.
But what am I supposed to say to that? Do I say “Hey,” back?Heydoesn’t really invite conversation.
Do I want to invite conversation?
I glance at the time on the screen and chew on my bottom lip. Gabriel should be at practice right now. Maybe the text was meant for someone else? Like a ‘Hey, where are you?’ if he was waiting on Julio or Felix to get there, maybe? That seems logical.
Exiting out of the screen, I decide not to respond. Mostly because I don’t know what to say but it’s fine. I’ll see him tomorrow, along with every weekday this semester after that. Perks of us having classes together. If he has anything to say or talk to me about, he can do it then. I’ll just act like I didn’t see the message.
Since I’m not actually going to Gabriel’s practice, I park beside the building that holds the campus pool. A good swim will help me to clear my head and should get me out of this funk. I feel like a jerk for not responding, but saying the wrong thing feels more detrimental than saying nothing.
When I step inside, I notice that the swim team is utilizing most of the fifty-meter lanes, but there’s one on the far left that looks like it’s available so I walk straight for it.
My phone buzzes again but I wait until I’m inside before digging it out of my pocket.
Gabriel: We have a game against Crown Point University coming up. It’s a home game. You should come.
I stare at the message, scrutinizing each individual word. Is he suggesting I come because he actually wants me to be there? Or is he just worried about me because of what happened with Austin today and he wants to keep an eye on me?
This is what he does, isn’t it? He inserts himself into my life as a way of babysitting me. Making sure I’m okay. That I’m not going to do anything reckless. Austin is on the team, so it’s not like he has to worry about where he’ll be during their game.
Or is he thinking something worse?
We haven’t been talking, so it’s not like he knows how I’m doing. Shitty, by the way. Not that anyone’s asking or that I’d volunteer that information out loud.
I’m anxious as usual. And if I’m honest, a little depressed. A breakup on top of what I’m already dealing with has royallysucked. But I get out of bed every day. I go to all my classes. I’ve lost more weight, but it’s not super noticeable and hey, I look better in my swimsuit, so that’s a plus.
The point I’m trying to make here is, I’m better than I have been.
Does Gabriel think I’ll try and end my life again just because Austin decided to be his normal awful self today? Is that why he’s all of a sudden messaging me after weeks of radio silence?
I hate thinking like this. It just reiterates why we can’t be together. Gabriel always needs to fix things. To fix me. And I know I’m a wreck.
