“Let me ask you this,” she says. “You go to an OBGYN for your annuals, yes?”
Interesting change of direction, but whatever. I nod.
“And you get nearly naked in front of a stranger, someone you see maybe once or twice a year, and allow them to invade your most intimate parts.”
“I have.” But that was before. I haven’t been to my lady doctor since before the assault, and judging by my internal recoil at the mere mention of going, I doubt I’ll be making a follow-up appointment anytime soon.
“Why is that? What reason do you give yourself to justify the personal invasion?”
I see where she’s going with this. “It’s beneficial for my health,” I say, giving her the answer I know she’s looking for.
A satisfied smile spreads across her face. “Exactly. Oftentimes throughout our lives, we have to endure uncomfortable situations for the benefit of our overall health. This is one of those moments, wouldn’t you agree?”
“Sure.” Not really.
“So for today, can we live in our discomfort? Just for the next hour. After that, if you want to go back to sitting in silence and riding the hour out, I won’t pressure you.”
I look out the window.
“Can we try?”
Without making eye contact, I let out a resigned sigh.
“Fine.” I told Gabriel I needed to work on myself. That I don’t want to be broken.
I can’t rely on him to be the glue holding my cracks together. Joining the swim team is a start. And making a new friend is another step in the right direction.
Deep down, I know talking about everything that happened to me is something I can’t avoid forever. Like Adriana said, how am I supposed to move past all this if I don’t talk about it?
I might as well make today my day to try.
“But after today, if I want you to drop it, you will?”
She nods.
“Okay.”
“Very good. Would you like to dive into the deep end or wade in the shallows for a bit?”
Turning my attention back to her, I consider the question. Wading in the shallows is only going to prolong the pain. I’d much rather rip off the band-aid and get this over with. So, I guess I’m diving in.
“You already know that I tried to unalive myself,” I tell her and she nods. As far as she’s aware, it’s the sole reason for me being here. “Well, a little over a month before I slit my wrists ...” I swallow past the lump in my throat. Say it. You just have to say those three words out loud. Come on. You can do this.
I take in a shuddering breath.
“I was raped.” There, I said it.
My confession takes Dr. Walker by surprise. I can see it in her eyes. The way she looks at me. There’s so much unspoken apology in her softening gaze. I’m drowning beneath the weight of it. I can’t look at her for more than a few seconds. Any longer and I’m going to lose my nerve.
Rip it off.
“It was at a frat party over summer break. Three guys were involved.” She pales, but I ignore her reaction. I need to get all of it out on the table. If I stop or slow down, I’ll choke on the words. “Two of them forced me to perform oral. The third raped me fully, but I was drugged, so I don’t know the particulars of everything he did to me.” I shrug. “After he put me on the bed is when it all sort of went black.”
She swallows hard, probably trying to gather her words, but I’m not finished. Not yet.
“The next morning, I woke up in an unfamiliar bed with bruises on my body and cum between my legs. The third guy, the one who raped me, he came into the room shortly after I woke up when I was still trying to get my bearings.” My laugh is hollow. “He suggested we get our stories straight.” I clench my teeth, renewed anger coursing through my veins and I latch onto it. “I thought he was insane. He was so freaking sure of himself, and all I could think about was how I needed to get away from him. How I had to get out of that room.”
I’m shaking now, struggling to keep it together.
