But I miss him. And I hate that I miss him because I have no right to. Not when I’m the one who pushed him away.
Part of me wishes I could slip my hand into his like I used to, and have things go back to the way they were before I opened my mouth and ruined everything.
But I can’t. Life doesn’t work that way. And it wouldn’t be fair to him.
I told myself I wouldn’t be selfish. Not when it comes to him.
We walk into our next class, and just like before, Gabriel claims the seat beside me. Our second class goes by much like the first, our professor droning on about this week’s lecture. I’m barely paying attention, too caught up in watching Gabriel from the corner of my eye.
He looks as miserable as I feel. Is he sleeping okay? Are those dark circles or just shadows under his eyes?
Is this what it’ll be like from now on? Gabriel spoke to me earlier in the hall when he defended me against Austin. A part of me thought it would continue. That this strange silent treatment thing going on between us would finally come to an end.
At least, I hoped it would.
Gabriel takes methodical notes beside me, his attention locked on the front of the room.
It’s like I don’t even exist.
Of my three classes, two of them are with him, and while I can’t stand this weird limbo we’re stuck in, I still dread when class comes to an end. Gabriel will go off to soccer practice, and I’ll drag myself back home, where I know I’ll overthink and second-guess my decision to break things off between us for the hundredth time.
I need a distraction. Some way to quiet my racing thoughts before I completely lose it. A swim, or maybe a run? It’s days like this when I’m reminded of the fact I no longer have friends.
Joelle and Kim dropped me as soon as Austin drew battle lines in the sand. They were shitty friends. But they were the only ones I had and an irrational part of me misses them. Misses having someone to call and confide in.
The bell rings, jolting me from my thoughts. Our professor announces what chapters we’ll need to have read by tomorrow, and everyone begins shuffling their things into their backpacks, eager for freedom.
I shove my own books haphazardly into my bag, refusing to let my eyes drift back to Gabriel. I can’t stomach seeing that closed-off look of his aimed my way. Maybe I should make an appointment with my counselor. See if I can make some changes to my schedule before the semester ends.
I might have to take a zero since the withdrawal date has already passed, but it might be worth it. It’s not like I’m in a rush to graduate or anything.
My phone chimes, and I look down at the screen, seeing the email alert from another of my professors.
Dear Students,
Class is canceled today and tomorrow due to an unforeseen personal matter. Please read up on last week’s assignments. We will have a quiz on Wednesday on the materials we’ve been covering. It is weighted at 15% of your final grade. I encourage you to study in an effort to be prepared.
Regards, Professor Bowman.
My shoulders slump.Great.
Gabriel hovers beside me, his movements slow as though he’s waiting for me. I try not to read into it. He’s always walked me to my last class of the day when he’s here, regardless of how tense things are between us, but it’s canceled today.
Do I tell him?
No.
It’s presumptuous to assume he’ll want to walk me to class today, isn’t it?
It is.
I’ll just head to my Jeep and see what he does. Maybe he’ll go the opposite direction as soon as we exit the classroom.
I don’t know. And I hate not knowing.
We exit the building side by side, silence stretching between us. He’s still following me, but we’re not going in the direction of my class, and he hasn’t asked me why. He also hasn’t moved tohead for the locker rooms, which are on the opposite end of our campus.
He just wordlessly walks beside me.
