Time hasn’t helped me recover from what Austin did to me, but maybe with enough time, I can heal from this. From losing Gabriel.
The semester will end soon enough and with us no longer seeing each other, there’s no reason for him to be in any more of my classes. He won’t need to insert himself into my life. He won’t drag me to his practices or drop in at my parents’ house unannounced.
We won’t cross paths every day. There’s a good chance we can go an entire semester without even seeing one another.
Maybe then it will hurt less. That’s all I can hope for these days.
After I gather my things, Gabriel walks beside me in silence, keeping pace with my shorter steps. I don’t know why. He isn’t talking to me, so why walk with me to class when he can easily outpace me?
But this has become a routine of sorts.
He shadows me but doesn’t talk to me. He sits by me but never looks at me.
It’s infuriating. Meanwhile, I can’t help but steal glances at the hard line of his jaw, the furrow between his dark brows.
What is he thinking?
Is he angry? He looks it. But whether his anger is directed at me or someone else, I don’t know. He might still be pissed about Austin. Though that was an hour ago. Maybe someone or something else is on his mind right now?
We’ve drifted apart in such a short span of time that I don’t know how to read him anymore.
But I miss him. And I hate that I miss him because I have no right to. Not when I’m the one who pushed him away.
Part of me wishes I could slip my hand into his like I used to, and have things go back to the way they were before I opened my mouth and ruined everything.
But I can’t. Life doesn’t work that way. And it wouldn’t be fair to him.
I told myself I wouldn’t be selfish. Not when it comes to him.
We walk into our next class, and just like before, Gabriel claims the seat beside me. Our second class goes by much like the first, our professor droning on about this week’s lecture. I’m barely paying attention, too caught up in watching Gabriel from the corner of my eye.
He looks as miserable as I feel. Is he sleeping okay? Are those dark circles or just shadows under his eyes?
Is this what it’ll be like from now on? Gabriel spoke to me earlier in the hall when he defended me against Austin. A part of me thought it would continue. That this strange silent treatment thing going on between us would finally come to an end.
At least, I hoped it would.
Gabriel takes methodical notes beside me, his attention locked on the front of the room.
It’s like I don’t even exist.
Of my three classes, two of them are with him, and while I can’t stand this weird limbo we’re stuck in, I still dread when class comes to an end. Gabriel will go off to soccer practice, and I’ll drag myself back home, where I know I’ll overthink and second-guess my decision to break things off between us for the hundredth time.
I need a distraction. Some way to quiet my racing thoughts before I completely lose it. A swim, or maybe a run? It’s days like this when I’m reminded of the fact I no longer have friends.
Joelle and Kim dropped me as soon as Austin drew battle lines in the sand. They were shitty friends. But they were theonly ones I had and an irrational part of me misses them. Misses having someone to call and confide in.
The bell rings, jolting me from my thoughts. Our professor announces what chapters we’ll need to have read by tomorrow, and everyone begins shuffling their things into their backpacks, eager for freedom.
I shove my own books haphazardly into my bag, refusing to let my eyes drift back to Gabriel. I can’t stomach seeing that closed-off look of his aimed my way. Maybe I should make an appointment with my counselor. See if I can make some changes to my schedule before the semester ends.
I might have to take a zero since the withdrawal date has already passed, but it might be worth it. It’s not like I’m in a rush to graduate or anything.
My phone chimes, and I look down at the screen, seeing the email alert from another of my professors.
Dear Students,
Class is canceled today and tomorrow due to an unforeseen personal matter. Please read up on last week’s assignments. We will have a quiz on Wednesday on the materials we’ve been covering. It is weighted at 15% of your final grade. I encourage you to study in an effort to be prepared.
