Even thawed, he was making this trip entirely her concern, dissociating himself while being obedient to her commands. She would not be weakened by that.
“There must be an inn.”
“The Peregrine, where I am known. We are engaged to wed, but an unchaperoned journey is still slightly shocking.”
“Only slightly. I’m not a delicate young miss, and we’ll have separate rooms. I’ll order the post chaise and a hasty breakfast, and we’ll set out in an hour.”
She left with that, creeping back to her room feeling like a naughty child. No, like a wicked woman.
She was wicked to have let it go this far when it could never go further, but at least she had told him the truth. She felt lighter for that, happier, cleansed of deceptions and sins.
As reward, she’d steal the two remaining weeks for herself before saying farewell forever.
Chapter Eight
They sped out of London as true daylight broke, alone. She’d announced that they did not need their personal servants. She very much wanted to be alone with him, and it wasn’t for lustful reasons. She hungered to know him better.
“You never really explained how you joined the army,” she said as they passed through Camberwell Toll Gate. “Didn’t your parents object?”
“Somewhat. I think they recognized the madman in me, though.”
“You’re not mad.”
He smiled. “I feed off excitement as a vampire feeds off blood,” he said again, making her instantly hot and needy. The glint in his eyes sent off warning signals, but it was so much part of him that she rejoiced.
“I can’t cure you,” she said calmly.
“I don’t want to be cured. I think you’re something of a madwoman yourself.”
Oh no. She was not going to talk about sex in broad daylight. “So your parents let you go.”
His smile acknowledged her retreat. “Bought me a commission in the regiment of my choice. Waved me farewell.” The smile faded. “And I more or less forgot about them.”
He leaned back into his corner and stared into nothing. “It was all so exciting, so new. New friends, new places, new challenges. Then when it ceased to be new, ceased to be pleasant, it had swallowed me whole. I always assumed they’d be there, frozen like waxworks, when I was ready to return.”
Maria inhaled a careful breath, thinking carefully about what to say. “Did you never return home?”
“Not in the last five years. I could have. I should have...”
“Your family understood, I’m sure. They must have been proud of you. And later, their spirits guided you to safety.”
He turned sharply at that. “Pap. Good men with adoring families died all the time.”
Shame flooded her for speaking such an empty platitude, but all she could think to say was another. “They must want you to be happy.”
“I am attempting to live, and live well.”
It was like trying to read a foreign script. “Why is it so hard, Van? Do you not want a good life?”
“Do I deserve one? For some reason you see me as something worth saving. I’m not so sure.” But then he turned to look out of the window, and she knew he wanted to be left in peace.
She granted him that, for now. She felt as if she were cracking open the cage of a seething demon, here in a confined space. She remembered, an eon ago, feeling inadequate and unprepared. Back then, she’d had no idea of the true challenge. Back then, however, she hadn’t cared as she cared now.
After the first change of horses, she broke the silence. “Tell me about getting a tattoo.”
His brows rose, but he answered. “It hurts.”
“I suppose it must. Does it take a long time?”
