With the way the log benches are set up in a square around the campfire, I’m able to see everyone, even if Cin and Kaige are obscured by the wavering heat above the flames across from me. Yet nobody’s said a single thing since Slade, Cinjin, and I came to join them, which makes it far more uncomfortable than it already was. All of their hushed, heated arguments instantly tapered off, and they’re not even being subtle about sending frequent, nervous glances in my direction. The downside to heightened senses; all of them were privy to every blubbering word that came out of my mouth during my emotional breakdown, but are at least nice enough not to comment on it.
And I’m not sure if I want them to or not, because something has to give, and it can’t only be me. We’veallspent our lives holding ourselves together with denial, and a hell of a lot of duct tape, but it’s not enough anymore.
It’s become incredibly awkward now that we don’t have anything left to distract ourselves from the inevitable conversation we put off after lunch, and everyone keeps stealing quick glances with each other, waiting to see who's going to be the unlucky bastard that breaks our temporary cease-fire. And for once, I don’t take mercy on them to get the ball rolling. Not like I’m the leader of this train wreck; last I heard, that was Damian.
Despite the somber air, Cin remains upbeat, thriving on the fact that he’s not the one in the doghouse for once. “Oh! I forgot to tell you, I took a sabbatical from work, so we’ll have evenmoretime to spend together now.” I’m not the only one cocking my head in confusion. The teasing air he started with rapidly deteriorates, but still, he keeps a smile on his face. “Now that Slade freed up his schedule, he’ll be able to take a turn in the field again, so I do believe that means Bo and I get some time off.”
No way in hell he’s trying to help Hunter, Damian, and Kaige out, which means he’s bringing up the comparison for my benefit.
Stiffening at the implication, I reluctantly admit, “I hadn’t even given that any thought since you’ve all been around constantly since Bo came back from his last mission. Is that something you guys will be going back to, or do you have enough money that you’re taking a step back for the foreseeable future?”
Reid threads his fingers through my hair, gently running them through the strands and back again. It’s hard to get a read on him; he’s hot to cold fast enough to give me whiplash, and even when he has control of himself, he isn’t the Reid I know anymore. His wolf may have a hair-trigger temper, but Reid isn’t far behind anymore. And yet, he feels safer than ever before.
Damian addresses me instead of Cin. “What are you talking about?”
After a few tense moments, I sigh. “Except for Reid, who was the legitimate front to launder it, they made their money as hired hit men. Only real difference between them and you guys is that they had the ability to choose their clients.” Giving Slade my attention, I ask, “And that wasn't even until your parents died, I'm assuming?”
At his terse nod, I melt into Reid’s side, wrapping my arms around my stomach like the simple motion can hold my jagged pieces together.Everyone here is a murderer, whether they like it or not. And me? I chose to be one, didn’t have my hand forced like the seven of them. Look at what a wreck Bo was when he came back the first week I met him; he did what had to be done, but that didn’t mean he wanted to. And it’s not like those three knew who I was when they killed my dad, they were just teenagers that had their parents slaughtered for refusing orders and couldn’t find a way out of the mess they were trapped in.
So why does it feel different, even though I know better? They didn’t know me back then, owed me nothing. Why is it so hard to accept that they didn’t mean to hurt me, and that the cards were simply stacked against us?
Because Dad was the only person that loved me, and by killing him, they set off the chain of events that left me utterly alone.
Money, manipulation, and murder; the three M’s of the upper echelon that make the miserable world go round.
After a few slow breaths to buy myself time to organize my thoughts, I look between Damian, Hunter, and Kaige. They look... rough, in all honesty. Eyes wild, jaws clenched, and nails digging into their thighs as they attempt to remain still and unthreatening despite their agitated states. Feet tap restlessly, and fingers strum across knees as they try to make it seem like they aren’t sending me frequent looks.
Releasing a weary breath, I scrub a hand down my face. “I’m not sure where to go from here.”
Damian gives me a repentant look begging for forgiveness, but all of my emotions drained out of me over the last couple of hours and into Slade’s shirt. Now, I just feel numb. Tired. “We don’t need to go back, that was stupid of us to even entertain the thought. We can-”
“I meant mate wise.” My declaration is soft, but it echoes around the campsite with the severity of a gunshot. “How do we evenbeginto fix this?”
Everyone becomes silent, Damian and Hunter shifting uncomfortably in their seats while Kaige rests his elbows on his knees, threading his fingers together and thumping his forehead down on them in resignation. After several moments of awkward silence, Reid growls, “We all got off to a bad start. Between the unintentional claimings, the secrets, and the outside forces pressing down on us, it's no surprise we all made mistakes when we were blindsided left and right under all of the stress and revelations.” He locks eyes with me, and if I wasn’t looking for it, I’d miss the small flash of blue ringing his blown pupils, a small bit ofReidcreeping back through to the surface. “What matters is being willing to try, even when things are hard.”
Clearing my throat, my voice still comes out as a rough croak. “That's fair. Lord knows I've given you guys plenty of reasons to run away screaming, yet you've stuck around even when it would've been ten times easier to simply hand me off to be someone else's problem. Wouldn't have lost your home, either.”
“Hey.” Cin marches over and cups my jaw. “You arenota problem, you hear me? Not a burden, and you don't need to put yourself down to excuse other people's actions. You're upset, and you have every right to be. Don't belittle your suffering for the sake of trying to be the bigger person for once. Be selfish."
Wholeheartedly onboard with the sentiment, Bo glares at the three foreign alphas in our midst. “Make them fucking grovel. They want a place by your side, let them prove it, show that they know and loveyou; not just what you can do for them.”
Bending down to kiss my forehead, Cin suggests, “Or push them in front of a bus, whatever floats your boat. But you're trying to keep the peace and sacrificing one of the last remaining parts of yourself in order to do it, and I for one will not stand for such a travesty. Embrace your inner pettiness; I'm happy to help you brainstorm ideas of cruel and unusual punishments.”
Smiling softly, I blink back tears and nod, taking a few minutes to collect myself. After opening the floodgates earlier, I’m mentally and physically exhausted, but I cut myself some slack, because at least this time the waterworks stem from frustration and not bone-shattering desolation.
“I’m not mad about the scheming to get me back home with you guys,” I tentatively begin, stomach flipping. “I get where you were coming from, and how things changed once you showed up here and spent time with the others, realized they weren’t the horrible people you believed them to be. Honestly, I’m sure we’ve all seen countless movies with this theme. Things aren’t always as they appear, and eventually you find yourself so entrenched in secrets with no good way to bring them up the longer time passes, that thereisn’ta good way out of the mess you’ve found yourselves in.”
Meeting Damian’s dual-colored eyes, I lay it all out there; all of the pain I’m struggling with, but also the betrayal. He loves me, I’ve no doubt in my mind about that, but sometimes loving someone simply isn’t enough of a reason to stay. “Killing my father, though? How do I make my peace with that? I understand that you were backed into a corner, and it’s not like you had any loyalty to me back then, but right now-” I shake my head and swallow “- I can’t really separate facts from feelings. So as terrible as it sounds... can we not bring it up again?”
Plucking at a loose thread on my shorts, I avoid looking at anyone. “I'm not going to be able to forget, but having the reminder constantly shoved in my face is going to make it impossible to ever move on. And that’s really the only option, isn’t it? Hate you forever, sever all ties, or accept that the blame falls on Acheron Wilder for this one. Sure, you were the ones that actually killed him, but you never would have if Ash hadn’t forced your hand.He’sthe one I should be concentrating my rage on.”
Biting my lip until it stops trembling, I rush out, “And I need to hate somebody for this one, because I can’t just let it go. I’m not going to forgive and forget, but I can put the blame where it truly belongs to save us all a decent amount of heartache.”
“Can I say something?” Hunter is staring straight at me when I look up, shadows from the fire flicker across emerald eyes hard enough to cut glass. At my nod, he releases a heavy breath that ages him years within seconds. “Kaige didn’t actually do anything beyond come with us. So if you even subconsciously hold onto any resentment, make sure it’s directed where it belongs; at Damian and me.”
Tossing some more kindling onto the fire, Bo sighs. “If that’s true, why didn’t you speak up at lunch?”
Rolling one of the silver rings in his ear, Kaige refuses to look my way. “Technicalities don’t mean shit. I knew it was happening and didn’t stop it, so I’m guilty by association. Not going to try and pull some bullshit about one-upping the others on a loophole to get out of trouble.”
