What would I do?
That question haunted me. Without my son, without my purpose as a Rider, I would have nothing, and nowhere to go. I would have completely failed Fin and by extension, Sasha. I would even have failed in my duties to Salvadora.
Don’t be stupid, you’ve never failed me.
Yet that was the time I was numb. In unguarded moments, the same scenes played out in my head. Sasha’s death, the mess of her body when we recovered it. Fin’s fall from his first flight, the way my mind turned that into a horror that it hadn’t been. I was torturing my self - knowing that it was all fallacy. Yes, Sasha died horribly. But Fin was fine. He’d got up, he’d laughed.
Then there were dreams of others I’d lost, and suddenly all the old images were overrun with visions of Fin in those positions. Fin flying in formation, Fin dying in those seafarer engagements.
I even reached the point where I was no longer annoyed by the missing pages from the newssheets. What did it matter what happened in the wider world? It wasn’t my concern. I wouldn’t see it.
I felt I was failing the service even being there. Yet I functioned. I supported Fin wherever I could. I did whatever duty I was assigned. But I was numb inside. Cold.
Unkea was grey, that never changed. There hadn’t been a seafarer raid in the entire time I had been there. We hadn’t even hadsightof a seafarer ship. It did make me wonder why any of us were there.
Why had Ang Shi released lightning in the stable? It was only the second time I had ever seen him release it on land. He practiced his skill out at sea, where the lightning could do no harm, sometimes in the practice room built for us to work on our magical abilities, but never in the fortress itself, never nearunwarned dragons. So why had he released lightning when I resigned?
Had I even really resigned? If Ang Shi wouldn’t accept the resignation, what was I to do?
Eventually, after a month at most, I did the only thing I could. I went to the nest and I hugged Dora, then I went to talk to Fenwick. The Stable Master listened, poured me way too much whisky, listened some more, poured some more. And then, finally, just let me cry.
“For rod’s sake,” I sniffed and sobbed. “I never cried like this when Sasha died.”
“Which is probably why you need to do it now.” He sloshed more liquor into my glass. “You know being a Rider is dangerous.”
I nodded like a dolt.
“And you know Fin might die training for it?”
I hiccupped and nodded.
“Rod, that’s a terrifying thought.” He took a big swig of his own drink. “Points.” He paused. That his words were slurring was a good sign of how much we’d got through. “I had point.” He frowned. “Din’t I?” He looked at me.
“Dunno.”
“Yes!” He suddenly sat straighter.
Or not. The world was spinning, and so was the room.
“Point is, reality hit. Fin as a Rider. Fin in danger.” He shook his head. “That scares me, must you.”
He took another sip and encouraged me to follow, a mistake I willingly made.
“Scares bring back all prior … scares.” He burped. “Making numb not good. Be scare. Be… ang…”
Be Ang? Angry? I don’t know what else he was trying to tell me to be, because he passed out at that point. I wasn’t far behind.
Jimny found us the next morning. His wake-up call wasn’t easy. Skull-splitting, in fact. But between them, they got me over the numbness. Though getting over the hangover felt like it took forever. Flight Captain Shi called us both to his office. Chewed us both out. Said he’d punish us if we didn’t already look like we’d punished ourselves. He dismissed us, and I’m reasonably certain that I heard him laughing as we staggered away.
Chapter Fourteen
It was my turn to walk the wall as part of a team of three and keep a watch out to sea. The air was frigid when I went out already wrapped in my thickest coat, my warmest hat. We were expecting a new wing of Riders to come in that afternoon, and they would be flying into a headwind. As I made my rounds, the sky went less grey and more black. The rain was no surprise. The size of the drops, the ferocity of the pelting, that all suggested that a few more minutes and it would become hail. I looked seaward, and there I saw the angry stacks of clouds. There was a hell of a storm coming. My feet were already sloshing in my boots as I caught up with the other man. Rain was pouring in through every crevice of clothing. I was already soaked to the skin. My foot slipped, and he had to reach out to steady me.
“Dragon shit storm, you okay?” Gahunia asked.
I nodded. “Where’s Jimny?”
“Gone to the stables to warn Fenwick to raise a red flag!”
