‘It feels boring.’
‘Trying to figure out what to do with a big problem always does.’
‘Urgh.’
‘I know. But listen. You are strong, you are capable, you are able to call me whenever you want, whenever it feels especially hard, and I love you and value you and appreciate you, OK?’
‘OK. I’ll look into flights. I miss you!’ Willow says. ‘Butyou sound good. Healthy. Happy! I’m happy for you that it’s going well out there.’
‘Thank you,’ Ash says. ‘I’ve gotta say, yeah. I’m feeling good. Some might even saychanged.’
When Ash returns to CoLab a few hours later, it is with a tummy full of ice cream, sore feet from yet more city walking, heart full from listening to Mona’s crazy tales about continued younger-man adventures, and with a gift, for CJ, a book of poems calledLighter.
‘I saw this and thought of you,’ Ash says, after knocking on the office door. She leans against the door frame and holds it out. ‘I don’t know if you fuck with poetry, but …’
CJ stands up, takes the gift.
‘I can’t remember the last time somebody got me a present,’ she says, and Ash notes the creeping of pink behind her ears, what seems like genuine gratitude. ‘Ash!’
CJ takes it, turns the book over in her hands.
‘“Words for letting go”,’ she reads off the blurb, and Ash says, ‘Maybe I need that more than you do, giving up my fucks and all that, but I don’t know. I just saw it and thought you’d like it for some reason. Be a good paperweight if the poems turn out to be crap.’
‘This is really kind, Ash. Thank you,’ CJ says, pulling the collection to her chest.
Ash holds out a chocolate lolly too. ‘And this is for Jorge,’ she says. ‘It’s a hot chocolate on a stick. You have to stir it into a glass of hot milk and it turns it chocolate and frees all the marshmallows. Dinosaur-shaped, because of course.’
‘He’ll love it,’ CJ smiles. ‘He already told me how much he liked having you at the house. I didn’t even ask him. He just brought it up on the way to school one morning.’
‘Always nice to have fans,’ Ash grins.
CJ looks at her, smile widening. ‘Yeah,’ she says. ‘It is.’
Ash doesn’t know what to say then, suddenly feels self-conscious, barging into the private back office, proffering gifts and taking up CJ’s time when she probably just wants to get off for the day to go be with her family.
‘Afternoon, Ash,’ Luis says, his hands suddenly on her shoulders to navigate around her into the office. He flops down in a chair and looks between the women. ‘Finalising the details of my epic fortieth birthday present?’
CJ rolls her eyes. ‘He actually thinks he’s getting his threesome,’ she says to Ash. ‘Which is your fault, I believe.’
‘My fault?!’ laughs Ash. ‘I can’t imagine what I’ve said to give the impression he’d ever be so lucky. Or me,’ she teases. With that she gives Luis a wink, and he grins, looks at CJ like,I told you it’s on.
21
CJ
CJ would go so far as to say that if, before, the notion had been suggested, now the motion has been officially passed: she and Ash have become proper friends. Ash got her a book last week, and CJ felt really quite emotional about it. Nobody has bought her something simply because they saw it and thought of her in years. Perhaps even ever. It made her feel appreciated, and then she felt odd about feeling appreciated. Sort of like, well, Ash must think of CJ when CJ isn’t there. To CJ, this is a revelation. To think of somebody when they are not with you implies a level of caring about them, and CJ does not accept this fact lightly. Being thought of, being cared for. She’s been in charge of so much, since she was so young, that to consider the fact Ash wanted to do something nice for her, just because, is like learning Santa Claus is real, after all. CJ’s only job isn’t, it turns out, to keep the world turning. She is worthy of being thought of. The magic of it. Something slots into place in her chest because of it, makes her shoulders drop a half-inch. She hadn’t thought they’d needed to drop, hadn’t realised she was anything other thana chill girl who is chill about everything. But then this kindness happened and it turns out, she needed it.
CJ has had Ash to dinner again, another low-key evening with Jorge playing and Miguel and Todd chattering away, everyone getting on like a house on fire. CJ has properly met Ash’s friend Mona, the New Zealander with a younger boyfriend and a potty mouth, albeit only for the quickest of coffees atQuerido. Ash hangs out by the front desk when CJ is working, and CJ loiters even after she should have gone home, so she can catch Ash as she returns from her intrepid exploring, full of observations about the city CJ has come to realise she’s been taking for granted. Ash has seen every inch of it by this point, telling CJ about places she hasn’t come across or visited even in a decade of living here.
‘I mean,’ said CJ, on one such early evening. They were hanging out in the CoLab kitchen. ‘I’ve always been cognisant of Lisbon’s superior vibes – and verbally so, you know, I point out the colour of the sky to Jorge, observe the season changing, how lucky we are to live somewhere so beautiful – but I have to admit, we stay pretty local and have our places, our spots we go to, and it can be easy to forget there’s a big wide Portuguese world out there. You’re reminding me of it.’
‘Pleasure to wave my Lisbon Tourist Board flag for you,’ Ash grinned.
Ash is always grinning. Always pleased to see CJ, happy to be here, enjoying herself. She’s different to the Ash of That Night – That Night being the night of her arrival, when nobody was their best self. They don’t even joke about it now,don’t mention it, it’s bygones. It was so long ago. Onwards, forward movement only, to the point where it’s crossed CJ’s mind that when it’s time for Ash to move on for good, she’ll be sad. Genuinely miss her. That’s still eight weeks away, so CJ doesn’t indulge this thought for long, but she’d be lying if she said it didn’t make the space between her ribs ache. Having a friend, who is a girl, is nice.
‘What are you up to tonight, anyway?’ Ash pressed, as CJ recalls now. ‘Anything? Nothing?’
‘Nothing, really,’ CJ admitted. ‘That’s why I stuck around here. Luis clocked off this afternoon to go and scope out venues for the social calendar, and it’s been super quiet here today. I can’t take him suggesting threesomes again, so good riddance, lol. I don’t know where everybody is. And Jorge is off for the night at a sleepover with my aunt and uncle – as in, Miguel’s mum and dad. Miguel and Todd took him.’
