CJ’s eyes widen in horror. ‘You … do?’
‘Yes!’ says Ash. ‘OK, I understand how things got uncomfortable the other night, so let me spell this out as clear as day. I do not fancy you. I do not have a crush on you. I am not secretly in love with you. I did not orchestrate a three-way as some sordid plan to get close to you, to trick you into sleeping with me because you’re the only woman for me. We’refriends. I know we’ve become quite good friends, too. Right? I mean, that’s been amazing, hanging out with you and getting to know you. But that’s all it is. Friendship.Pleasedo not worry that I lie in bed at night wondering what you smell like. I do not. In fact, I know what you smell like, and it’s skin, and sometimes a bit of sweat.’
CJ clicks her jaw back and forth, and Ash can tell she’s weighing up whether or not to believe her.
‘I speak only the truth,’ Ash presses. ‘OK? This?’ She motions between the two of them. ‘Platonic love only. I am straight. And obviously you are too.’
‘Obviously,’ says CJ.
Ash rests back in her seat, mildly out of breath. Phew! Thank goodness it all makes sense, now, why CJ would do a runner, and then hide out. She’s probably spent all this time wondering how to let Ash down gently, or even been worried that Ash wouldn’t take rejection well. Ash knows the emotional ups and downs her past relationships have caused, and even that a couple of guys she’s dated have had to tell her she’s a bit much. Maybe that’s part of her healing process, whilst she’s out here. She needs to learn that sheistoo much, and acknowledge out loud when that’s happened.
‘I was worried,’ Ash says. ‘When you disappeared. I’ve missed you.’
CJ looks at her, sideways. ‘Yeah?’
Ash bats at CJ’s upper arm. ‘Of course I have! I’ve got really used to seeing you every day. You’re my Portuguese partner-in-crime at this point. Especially now Mona has gone.’
‘Charming,’ says CJ. ‘Especially now Mona has gone.That makes me feel really special.’ She sounds like her normal sarcastic self. Ash is thrilled to hear it.
‘You are special,’ Ash laments. ‘Shut up.’
‘That’s a kind thing to say to somebody you missed.’
‘I forgot how difficult you are.’
‘That’s part of the charm, isn’t it?’
‘No,’ says Ash. ‘Your charm is all about how self-effacing and modest you are.’
CJ laughs. ‘I’m screwed, then.’
‘Just not by me,’ Ash says, a stupid joke.
‘If you tell me again how much you do not fancy me, you’ll start to hurt my feelings,’ says CJ.
Ash shakes her head, laughs. ‘There’s just no pleasing you, is there?’
CJ shrugs, like,can’t help who I am!
Ash says, ‘I’ve never met anyone so unapologetic about who they are, you know. It’s a real gift. It really inspires me.’
CJ rolls her eyes, looks at her lap once more, fiddles with a stray piece of cotton hanging from her jeans shorts.
‘I don’t have all the answers,’ she says, her voice unusually small. ‘Don’t … don’t put that on me. That’s too muchfor one person. I’m still just a human. I act all big, but I still do have feelings and worries.’
Ash feels chastised. ‘I know,’ she says quickly. ‘Sorry. I was just being dumb. I didn’t mean anything by it.’
‘OK,’ says CJ.
They sit, both look out the window.
‘Are you sure we’re OK?’ asks Ash, nervously. CJ showed her old self, but then just as fast hid her away again. Ash can’t tell if she has her guard up, or is actually so OK with Ash that she’s finally ready to let her see some of the vulnerabilities that of course exist. Of course they do.
‘Yes,’ says CJ. ‘I’m sure.’
They return to looking out the window again, sky bright blue, cloudless, the warmth of mid-May radiating through the windows making them sleepy, until one of them nods off and then the other, and they spend the rest of the journey leaning against each other.
25
