‘Pass that here,’ says Miguel, shaking his head. ‘Because that isnotwhat she means. Ash doesn’t wish ill on anyone.’
‘You didn’t see how she looked at me,’ CJ says. ‘I really hurt her. It’s been haunting me.’
Luis shakes his head. ‘You are so …’ he says, sticking out his bottom jaw and reaching out like he’d like to throttle CJ.
‘I know!’ she says. ‘I fucking know! And I’ve never fucking cared before, but now I do! But this text …’
Miguel hands back her phone, tipping his head from side to side in consideration. ‘I do kind of see what you mean,’ he says. ‘It’s very … what’s the word when there is a meaning that isn’t in the words?’
‘Subtext,’ Todd and CJ say at the same time.
Todd intercepts the phone. ‘As the only other native speaker here,’ he says, ‘gimme. I need to reread this thing too.’
Everyone waits as his eyes scan the screen. CJ eyes him as an intense wave of fear creeps in, heartbeat racing, breath becoming ragged, heat in her cheeks. She reaches out to the kitchen island and the three men turn to stare at her. She grabs it hard, makes a noise, she thinks, she’s not sure – she’s struggling to connect her thoughts. She notices her hand is trembling.
‘Toilet,’ she croaks, her bladder begging for attention and her feet unable to shuffle her in the direction of the loo.
‘Do you want help?’ says Luis, immediately by her side, hand on her elbow. ‘CJ, are you OK?’
‘Hmmm,’ is all she can say, stunned by the way her body appears to be betraying her. She’s shutting down, her brain a big dark and empty room with a small overhead light on somewhere at the back, the very back, but everything else enveloped in black. Her chest hurts, but Luis manages to get her into the bathroom where she can’t pull down her ownshorts – Luis has to help her. He’s talking, saying things, but she can’t hear him. She sits down. Lets the liquid flow out of her. Finishes and puts her forearms to her thighs, her forehead to her hands. Wills herself to breathe. In. Out. In. Out.
‘Cousin?’
‘I’m OK, Miguel,’ CJ croaks. ‘Just … freaking out.’ She’s breathless, finds it a struggle to talk. The thought of losing Ash is unbearable. In her absolute heart of hearts, if she is truly, unbearably honest, what CJ wants is to look Ash deep in the eye and ask her if there’s a way they can make this work. As her breathing gets back to normal and she’s able to wipe, stand, flush, she lets that thought take root. What would it be like to ask Ash to stay? Could she survive her answer? Would CJ be willing to uproot her life for somebody else? She’s not sure.
‘I love her,’ CJ says, to the men who have assembled outside the bathroom door and are looking at her now with a mix of pity and compassion.
‘Oh, my darling,’ says Miguel, putting an arm around her and pulling her in. ‘Welcome to the conversation.’
They pad to the sofa. Todd hands her a tall glass of iced water with a metal straw. ‘Hydrate,’ he commands.
She does. Everyone stays quiet, waiting for CJ to say more.
‘I think,’ she says, ‘I should tell her how I feel. I think … that even if she doesn’t feel the same, it is important to tell her properly. I think it will feel worse to never tell her what is in my heart than it would to be rejected. If she still wants to hate me, at least I can live knowing I tried. Isn’t that what they say?’
‘It doesn’t matter what people say,’ says Luis. ‘It is what you think is right for you.’
‘But I don’t know. I can’t trust myself.’
‘You can,’ says Miguel, gently. ‘You have to.’
CJ closes her eyes, tries to summon some deep-rooted part of her that can confirm her instincts are right. Nothing happens. Todd reappears beside her when she opens her eyes again, holding a plate with hot buttered toast, and two pieces of dark chocolate.
‘For your sugars,’ he says. ‘After the panic attack. I googled it. It’s supposed to help.’
Panic attack, thinks CJ. That’s never happened before.
She eats, chews her food slowly. With every swallow she feels stronger. When she’s finished she says, ‘What if Ash doesn’t actually mean what she’s said? What if what she actually wants is for me to fight for her? She’s always said nobody has fought for her before, nobody has ever chosen her and gone in to bat.’
The men nod, all of them, as if they already knew this. CJ finds herself warming to her theme. Now she’s starting to piece it all together, what she needs to do next becomes clearer.
‘So,’ she says, slowly. ‘I will be that person. I will say out loud that I choose her, and want her and … love her.’
Luis looks at her like he might cry, eyes all crinkled at the edges, gaze soft. Miguel starts to clap, and Todd tips his head and issues a massive smile.
‘Come here,’ he says. ‘I’m so proud of you. I know it’s scary. I know everything you’ve been through makes thissuch a big risk, but … for what it’s worth, I think she loves you too.’
CJ could feel exhausted from all of this emotion, but instead she’s energised, a buzzy feeling fluttering around her heart, life coming back to her body as she settles in to what she’s about to do.
