I want to know more, but I’m afraid to ask. I’m afraid to hear the answers. But Tana and I have known each other since we were children. She can read my mind even without reading my actual mind.
“Yes,” she tells me. Dull. Emotionless. “The answer is yes.”
Bile burns my throat. I wish Anson were still alive so I could put that bullet between his eyes myself.
“Do you know he laughed when he found out I’d never been with a man?” she continues, her voice taking on a faraway note. “It wasfunnyto him. He was happy to be the first.”
I reach for her, but she shrugs my hand away like it burned her.
“Tana…” I can’t get any more words out. It feels like there are rocks lodged in my windpipe. I gulp, trying to find my voice. “I know you’re hurting. But I’m here. You can talk to me. Please.”
“There’s nothing to talk about. I’m not the person you used to know. Not even close.”
“You don’t have to be who you were,” I say softly. “Just be you. The you who’s still alive. The you who can always count on me.”
She laughs harshly. “I don’t know if I want to be this me, either. I hate knowing how weak I am.”
“You’re not weak.”
“I never used to think I was. And then that night…I was too weak to fight him.”
“You killed him,” I remind her.
“Not fast enough,” she mutters. “I had to wait until he was distracted. Until he was…”
My stomach churns. “I’m so sorry.”
“I just…don’t know how to feel things anymore.”
Her expression is awash with sorrow. With exhaustion. With pain. I feel like I’m watching my best friend drown. She’s being pulled under the water and I’m standing on the shore, unable to get to her.
“I know I can’t fix this for you,” I say. “But I promise I’m not going anywhere. We’ve known each other since we were eight years old. You’re my closest friend in this entire world, on this shitty, godforsaken Continent. You can give up on yourself if you want, but I won’t.”
Her bottom lip quivers, and I see the moisture clinging to her lashes. “What if I’m broken beyond repair?”
“You’re not. You might have some cracks, but you’re not broken. You’re still in one piece. You put a bullet in that psychopath’s head. You’re a warrior, Tana.”
She brings her gaze back to mine, a weak smile playing at the corners of her mouth.
“That’s right,” I tell her. “You can smile at that, because it’s the truth. You’re so much stronger than you think, and I’m not giving up on you. Ever.”
After dinner, I stop by Kallister’s quarters to read more of my mother’s file. I took a pause after Cross and I ended things, because it was too hard to concentrate while nursing a shattered heart, and though my heart is no closer to being healed, these days I’m forcing myself to just…keep living my life. My talk with Tana, however painful, left me rejuvenated. Determined to follow my own advice. I might not have Cross anymore, but I’m not broken, either. I’m at the Dagger for a reason, and it’s time I remember that.
I start off easy today, though. The dossier includes all of my mother’s transcripts from upper school, including test scores, personal essays, an entire history paper about the Lost Continents. I skim those instead of getting right into the meatier files.
“You said you went to school with my mom?” I ask Kallister, who’s in his armchair, reading a book on his tablet. I’m sitting in the living room with him today.
“I did, yes.”
“What was she like in school?”
He leans back, thinking it over. “Stubborn. Very opinionated. She liked to debate you on issues.”
“Yeah?”
“Oh yeah. Marina was very passionate when she believed in something. In hindsight, it was probably obvious she was going to end up working for the Company.”
“Why is that?”
