I can't.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
TOREN
I chase after him, tears brimming in my eyes. The sight of him like this is unbearable—my chest aches with an overwhelming need to comfort him, even as I know I shouldn't. If seeing his best friends destroys him like this, I can only imagine his devastation when he faces his sister's grave.
I reach out and grab his arm. He spins with lightning reflexes and wrenches free, causing me to stumble back against a gravestone. Pain shoots through my hip as I wince.
We stand frozen, staring at each other through tension so thick it steals my breath. The raw agony in his eyes pierces straight through me, I feel his pain because I know it. My own best friend rests only yards away. We've both loved and lost, but unlike him, I don't barricade my grief. I let it guide me, shape me.
“Touch me again and I'll snap your fucking neck.”
I straighten and match his furious glare with my own, even as my heart fractures. “I knew coming here was a mistake,” I hiss.
“Then why the fuck did you? How did you even find me, Tink?”
“Caspian.”
His expression goes blank before anger floods back in. I want to beg him to see me, really see me standing here, showing him he doesn't have to be alone. But then I remember.
He killed Kellan.
I shouldn't be here trying to tame the monster inside him, coaxing him from the darkness he's claimed as sanctuary since losing everyone he loved. I should be home planning my father's downfall without drawing the feds’ attention. But I'm here anyway. Silently pleading for the boy who's changed everything to recognize he isn't abandoned.
Anger doesn't have to be his only companion.
Hatred doesn't have to fill the void.
“To teach is to learn. To learn is to excel. To excel is to thrive. To thrive is to live, Xaden.”
A stone wall crashes down as he shuts me out completely. “Save your riddles for someone who wants to hear them. You're not wanted here.”
“Liar.” The word drips steel and venom.
Something flickers in his gray eyes as he advances until barely an inch separates us. His chest heaves. I see the war raging behind his gaze. He's wrestling his demons for control, and it's a battle he's losing. Part of him craves my destruction, but another part, a small, desperate part, doubts whether he could actually pull the trigger.
“You know what I think?”
“What the fuck do you think, Tink?” he sneers.
“I think you're terrified to let me in.” He stares at me like I'm nothing, but I refuse to stop. “You're terrified to admit you feel something for me because you think I'll abandon you like everyone else.” His eyes harden as shadows cling to him like protective armor. “You get off on hurting me, using me, being cruel because you think if you're enough of an asshole, it won't destroy you if I leave!” Tears stream down my face. I don't havethe strength to wipe them away, and I don't want to. I need him to see the damage his carelessness has caused. “I'm right fucking here, Xaden!” I scream.
“I fucking know, you stupid bitch!” he roars.
“No, you don't! You see me standing here but you're looking through me. You refuse to imagine a future with us because you're paralyzed by the fear of losing me!”
“I don't give a fuck what you think,” he sneers, but something desperate flashes beneath the cruelty. “If you try to run from me, you'll regret it. You're mine, Tink, and I'll never let you go.”
“I'm not something to be owned!”
“I fucking own you. And, that’s why you want to hate me because you love that I claimed you. You fucking get off on knowing that any second I could kill you and not bat a fucking eye.”
“No, you don't. I'm just a toy you play with, not something you care about or even want. You refuse to let yourself feel anything but hatred toward me. You choose to hate me like you choose to ignore what's really between us, because you're a coward, Xaden. And I can't keep letting you hurt me. It's not just about what you want anymore. I will never let you hurt my child the way you've hurt me.”
Shadows swirl around him like a storm warning that their master is about to unleash everything. “Try to run from me, Toren, and I swear to Christ I'll slit your throat and fuck your corpse as revenge.”
“You don't even want this baby!”
