Him. Theirson. Rosa couldn’t speak, could only rock in place, her arms clutching at her waist. He didn’t mean that. He couldn’t. He hadn’t said. He’dlied…
“When were you,” her voice choked, “going to tell me? About him? Our” — she had to force the words out — “ourson?”
John’s eyes were still on her waist, still glittering with something that might have been hatred, or longing, or both. “I did tell you,” he said, and for an instant he sounded almost — pleading. “Do not play-act with me, woman. Youknew.”
And maybe she had, but it was still bullshit, he’d still lied, he’dlied. “Did I?” Rosa shot back. “Sincewhen, John? How long has this been — have I been —”
She couldn’t say it, she could scarcely stand upright at this point, and John was still looking at her waist, still with that awful agony in his eyes. “Since this night, two days past,” he said. “When you showed me this book you made, and took my seed into your womb again and again, and made me believe —”
He didn’t finish, and thank the gods there was anger again, shouting, rattling inside Rosa’s skull. “Oh, ofcourse,” she said, her voice thick, mocking. “You’ve known about this for days, too. You kept my ownpregnancya secret from me. I’m shocked, John,shocked.”
John growled, his claw jabbing in the air toward her, his eyes bitter, glinting misery. “Youknew,” he breathed. “Youdid. I saw you. I smelled you.”
“Yes, and you still didn’t tell me!” Rosa shouted back. “Again! Again, and again, and again! You never saidanything, John! Not about our son, not about the war, not about Lord Kaspar. Not about our future, or what was supposed to happen after this, or even what the hell all this really was, between us! You saidnothing!”
And here, vivid and horrible, was the memory of Simon. Saying, over and over again, how the Ka-esh lied. How they didn’t speak vows, because that meant there was nothing to break. And Rosa had seen it with her own eyes, in how Salvi had treated Tristan, just assuming that he’d be forgiven for throwing him over for a woman, without either of them actually saying a fuckingthing.
“You knew,” John said again, lurching a sharp, dangerous step closer. “You are not a fool. Youknew. Yousaidyou would stay, when I asked.”
“No, you asshole, I didn’t know!” Rosa shouted back, and was that true, maybe,maybe. “I’m a human! I’m not an orc, I don’t run around lying, and fucking with other people’s affections, andbeatingon people I’m supposed to care about! I’m a human, for fuck’s sakes, I’m not amonster!”
The words rang through the room, vicious and powerful, enough to snap John’s head sideways, away from her, his eyes squeezed shut. As though Rosa had just hurt him, struck him across the face, but he deserved it, she was pregnant with his deadlychildand he fucking deserved it —
But then his head turned back toward her, so slow, so inhuman, solethal. His eyes alight with bitterness, with rage, withanguish.
“Mayhap Iama monster,” he said, his voice cracking. “Mayhap it pleased me to rule over you, and stoke your fear and your hunger. But I havenever” — his mouth twisted, his chest hollowing — “taken a hurt, eager, fatherlesschildout of her school, against her will, so I could use her alone as I pleased. I haveneverstarved a child, so she might stay small and weak and girlish for me. I haveneverfathered a son and thenforgottenhim. I have never taken a clever woman’s work, and claimed it as my own. I havenever” — he came a sudden step closer, his anger rising, fusing — “used my power as the last of the Ka, or as a would-be Priest, tousethose who do not wish for me, or imprison those whofearme!”
His claws were still at his sides, theywere, but it felt like he’d dragged them deep down Rosa’s front, carved bloody trails in her skin. Like he’d flayed her whole, exposed everything that had been so safely hidden within, and Rosa wanted to weep, to vomit, to disappear. He was the monster. Hewas. He had to be…
“You — youare,” Rosa’s voice sobbed, as she cowered against the wall, trembling all over, her arms wrapped tight. “You are, you are, youare!”
And hewas, he’d trapped Rosa in this room, to yell and mock and scorn her, to make her unworthy, unknown, unloved, uncared for. And anything else had been a delusion anyway, he didn’t care, she wasn’t his pet, she was nothing, he was amonster—
He was staggering backwards, away, his hands pressed to his face, his head shaking. “Then go,” he rasped. “Thenleaveme!”
It came out a roar, a command, raw and brutal and terrible. A lord’s final strike at his defeated pet’s bare bleeding heart…
And Rosa obeyed. Clutching for her wounds, choking back her sobs, she fled.
30
Rosa stumbled into the dark corridor, clinging to the forbidding stone wall, her breaths shallow and panting and desperate. Go, he’d said, but how, why,where—
“Rosa,” came a voice, close and terrifying — and she yelped, cringed back, clutched her hands over her waist —
“Rosa,” the voice said again, quieter, more soothing. “It’s me. Tristan. I will not harm you.”
Oh. Rosa’s eyes squeezed shut, her trembling body sagging against the wall, and suddenly there was the stupid,stupidhope that John was here too, that John would run up, and take her in his arms and say all the kind, meaningless things she so wretchedly wanted to hear. I’m sorry I frightened you, I’m sorry I hurt you and used you, I’m sorry I’m such a compulsive piece of shitliar…
But there was nothing, only the very faint sound of Tristan’s breath, and Rosa groped frantically for thought, for words. “J-John,” she gulped out, “t-told me to go. Toleavehim. C-can you help me?”
She could feel Tristan’s hesitation, could hear his slow exhale, could even picture the uneasy look on his face. “You ought not to take all John-Ka’s words as truth,” he said, quiet. “Most of all when spoken in anger. You are welcome to stay here, Rosa, as long as you should wish.”
“Am I really?” she shot back, her voice cracking. “Even if I came here to spy on you? To help start awaragainst you?!”
She’d somehow begun weeping again, the water streaking down her cheeks — and Tristan’s stilted silence in the darkness was suddenly just as loud as any reply. Because he’d known too, fuck these lying Ka-esh he’dknown, and he’d still taught her his language and answered all her questions and treated her with nothing,nothing, but kindness.
“I c-can’t stay,” Rosa croaked, through the misery, the guilt, theshame. “I can’t, Tristan. Not now. Please.”
