Rosa silently nodded, but beneath the shock and the whispering hunger, there was, again, the misery. The misery that had been her constant, awful companion throughout this entire journey, twisting deeper with every hour that passed. With every hour that John wasn’t there to touch her like that, or look at her like that, or even show her off like that, because he’d sent her away. Because she’d lied to him. And he’d lied to her.
And looking at Tristan’s languid, beautiful body, Rosa couldn’t help another dark thought, surprisingly bitter. John had done this with Tristan, too, hadn’t he? And Tristan had looked like that, and maybe they’d had their own secret rhythm, and John might have slapped his pretty arse, made him obey —
“Ach, Rosa, I can smell you vexing,” Salvi said, out of nowhere, his head turning, his hazy eyes fixing to her face. “Don’t worry, Tristan wasneverthis good with John. Right,sæti?”
He spoke with surprising arrogance, and Rosa blinked at the sight of Tristan’s fervent little nod of agreement. Though his eyes still hadn’t opened, his mouth not budging from Salvi’s neck.
“He was always pushing you too much,” Salvi said, his gaze back on Tristan’s messy dark head, his hands still gently stroking. “Always wanting to be in charge, put you in your place. Never following your lead.”
Tristan nodded again, still not opening his eyes, and Rosa’s twisting brain assessed the truth of that, of what she’d just seen. It hadn’t been Salvi dominating, or pushing. It had been Tristan setting the pace, without words, and Salvi meeting him, matching him. Tristan will weep, John had said, if I even…
And blinking toward them, Rosa’s jealousy seemed to settle again, even as the misery surged higher to take its place. Because unlike Tristan, she’d liked that about John. Gods, she’dlovedthat about him. His easy, commanding authority, so instinctive, so assured. Wanting to dominate her, wanting to show her off, to make her obey. Wanting to be her lord.
And she’d wanted it too. Wanted to be directed, flaunted, used,enjoyed. Wanted to be his pet.
“Although,” Salvi continued, a little darker now, his eyes flicking toward Simon, “maybe we can’t really blame John for that, can we? Considering who alltaughthim to be that way?”
Simon visibly winced, and Rosa winced too, her gaze dropping to her hands. Her thoughts swarming, suddenly, with another truth, bitter and uncomfortable and… surprising.
John’s desires had, maybe, been shaped by his own past, too. By horrible, unjust things that hadn’t been in his control. But he hadn’t given way to guilt, or shame, for who he was now. I ought not to feel shame for the deeds of others, he’d said. My deeds, and my wishes, are my own.
Rosa could hear Simon’s slow sigh, heavy with regret. “Even Enforcer,” he said, “cannot put right all past wrongs. But” — he sighed again — “after this, I seek to sway Skai, of women in camps. Seek to grant Ka-esh leave to come, and give care.”
Salvi’s head twisted to fully stare at Simon, his eyes wide with genuine astonishment, and even Tristan had briefly stopped swallowing, his dazed eyes blinking at Simon’s face. And Simon wasn’t looking at either of them, his gaze fixed intently on his thigh, still exposed through his ripped-apart trousers. Still showing the red line of his wound, held together by Salvi’s neat stitching.
And here, suddenly, was more understanding, filtering into Rosa’s brain. Simon was afraid, too. Afraid, maybe, that the Ka-esh might take revenge for what the Skai had done to them. We no show our women no pretty, smooth-speaking Ka-esh. So you nosteal.
“Would it help,” Rosa said, stilted, “if another woman came along, too? To meet your mates, and help care for them?”
Simon’s glance at her was narrow, suspicious. “Not help,” he snapped, “if womankillown son. If woman next offer this to others.”
His frowning gaze flicked to Rosa’s waist, and she rolled her eyes at him, even as her hand stole to her belly, her fingers spreading wide, almost protective. “I already told you,” she shot back, “my son isn’t going anywhere. Also, maybe you assholes need to accept that not every woman is going to want to go through with a terrifying and potentially deadly birth — and that’s probablynevergoing to change. But the safer you can make them, and the better partners you can be to them” — she jabbed her finger toward Simon — “the more likely they’ll be to want to bear your sons. And, according to our research, the more likely they are to survive it, too.”
Simon was still frowning at her, but he almost seemed to be considering it, his head tilting. “Then whyyouwish for son?” he demanded. “Johngood partner? Make yousafe?”
It sounded like a taunt, like he was mocking her, because clearly John had sent her away, and then they’d been chased by men, and nearlykilled— but Rosa swallowed back the thickness in her throat, and nodded. “He was,” she said, her voice a whisper. “He was so thoughtful, and thorough, andkind. He made me feel safe. Wanted. Worthy. Atpeace.”
No one spoke, and Rosa rubbed irritably at her blinking, prickling eyes. The misery rising and swerving again, this time dragging up her own words, her own shame, the awful things she’d thrown in John’s face.
I’m not anorc. I don’t run around lying, and fucking with other people’s affections, andbeatingon people I’m supposed to care about. I’m a human, for fuck’s sakes, I’m not amonster.
And worst, maybe, of it all: No, you asshole. I didn’t know. You said nothing. You didn’t tell me.
But Rosahadknown. About her pregnancy, about John wanting her to stay, wanting to make her his mate. He hadn’t said it aloud, no, but he’d still made it very clear. And rather than asking the simple question to make it even clearer, Rosa had stayed silent. She hadn’t spoken truth, either. Just like Salvi, she hadn’t made a vow, because then there was nothing to break.
You only do not like to admit such things, John had told her that day, in his bed. Thus it is not your truth to bear.
Rosa’s eyes were fully leaking now, streaking yet more wetness down her cheeks, and she didn’t wipe at it this time. Just let it come, let herself face all the miserable, painful truths she’d been hiding from. Truths not just about John, but about herself.
She’d spied. She’d lied. She’d betrayed. She’d taken the secrets of someone she cared about, and used them in anger to hurt him. She’d been afraid. Afraid of her past, her future.
And yet, too, she’d cared. She’d learned. She’d gained incredible, impossible amounts of knowledge. She’d found a new library, new friends, new ideas she’d never before considered. She’d even found the courage, maybe, to start facing her truths. She wanted to learn. She wanted to be mastered. She wanted to seek her joy, without shame, without regret.
Knowledge changes us, if we’ll accept it. Knowledge changeseverything.
“Do not fear, Rosa-Ka,” cut in Tristan’s voice, and when she blinked up, he was looking at her with genuine concern, his brow furrowed, his lips still stained a deep red. “John-Ka shall not stop caring for you, even if you are now parted. He shall never stop.”
He said that with utmost certainty, knowing it because he’dlivedit, and Rosa took a shuddery breath — and nodded. Agreeing, finally, because even now, this room, this moment, with these orcs — even the fact that Rosa was still alive, still safe — would be because John still cared.
