“Um,” she said, her voice thick. “You’re here.”
It was the stupidest comment, completely inane, but thankfully John didn’t curl his lip, or roll his eyes, or any of the other things he might very well have done. Only nodded, quick and curt, as he crossed his arms over his chest, his fingers tight and pale against his grey tunic.
“Ach,” he said finally. “Have you been well, woman?”
His voice was just as it had always been, low and even and smooth, but in this moment it felt more like a shout, or a slap. So painfully, brutally familiar, so close, and still so far away. Rosa had lied to him. Hurt him.Betrayedhim.
“I’ve been — okay,” she made herself say, though she couldn’t quite hold her eyes to his stark, shadowed face. “I, um, I went to Lady Scall. Lord Kaspar’s almost-fiancee, you know. And she’s been shockingly kind, she’s put me up in her home all this time, and fed and clothed me, and told everyone I’m her long-lost cousin who’s gotten into some, um, trouble” — she gave a vague, stuttery wave at her waist — “so everyone’s mostly left me alone, which has been such arelief. And she’s even helped me stay in touch with Tristan every day, and she hasn’t been judgemental atall, and it’s sofoolishthat I hated her so much, when really —”
Rosa was babbling, she realized, too late, and as she forcibly clamped her mouth shut, she also realized sheknewthe way John was looking at her. So blank, so intentionally careful, but still somehow betraying that none of this was new to him. And wait, that meant he kneweverything, and of course he did, he wasJohn, and —
Rosa’s eyes were prickling again, and she impatiently scrubbed at one, and dragged in another bracing breath. She could do this. She could.
“I’m sorry, John,” she said, her voice cracking. “Gods, I’m so sorry. For spying on you. Lying to you. For” — she gulped in more air — “for saying all those horrible things to you, the day I left. For calling you amonster.”
John didn’t speak, didn’t move, and Rosa hugged her papers closer, grasped for words, for truth. “I was wrong,” she said. “I was wrong to judge you, and throw your past in your face. I was wrong to accuse you of lying to me, when I’d been lying to you the entire time. I was wrong to pretend I didn’t know things you’d made very clear to me.”
John’s dark lashes blinked, once, but his eyes were still flat, distant, a mask. Meaning, maybe, he truly didn’t care anymore, maybe it was too late, but Rosa had to keep going, keep getting it out. “Iknew,” she said, through the growing lump in her throat. “I knew you wanted me to stay. I knew I was pregnant. And of course I knew you weren’t a monster, you were so gods-damnedkindto me. You fed me and bathed me and clothed me. You gave me important work and the freedom to do it how I wished. You helped me learn and grow. You called me ascholar.”
Nothing changed or moved in his face, and Rosa’s nausea roiled again, her eyes dropping to the table before him. She could say this. She could tell him the truth.
“And you taught me,” she managed, “how to accept my desires, rather than being ashamed of them. You taught me to face my past, rather than pretending it didn’t happen. You showed me I was still worthy, despite all that. You gave me —peace.”
There was only more silence, shuddering bleak and pained around them, and Rosa forced her eyes back up, back to his unreadable face. “You were a brilliant lord, John-Ka,” she whispered. “Ilovedbeing your pet. I’ll never,everforget it.”
A streak of wetness escaped her eye, slipped down her cheek, and she dashed it away with a trembly hand. “I’m so sorry,” she choked out. “Mér þykir þetta svo leitt. I hope, someday, you might be able to forgive me.”
And that was it, that was everything she’d needed to say, and she held herself still, dropped her blinking eyes back to the table. Waiting, bracing herself, for him to say something, anything, and what if he didn’t, what if he was truly done, what if this was justgoodbye—
“Ach,” John said finally, and when Rosa’s eyes darted up, he was rubbing his mouth, his eyes shifting, glimmering with something she couldn’t name. “Ach, pet. I —”
His words broke at the sudden deafening bang — the librarydoorslamming open — and Rosa jumped, her heart reeling, her skin crawling with a surging, trammelling fear. It couldn’t be. Not yet. Not now. Please…
“Rosa!” called a familiar, gut-churning voice, laced with unmistakable anger. “Come out and explain yourself. At once!”
37
Lord Kaspar had arrived.
Rosa’s eyes squeezed shut, and for a horrible, hurtling instant, she didn’t know whether she might faint, or scream, or vomit all over her feet.
Lord Kaspar was here. She would face this. She would.
Before her John’s seated body had stiffened, his eyes narrow, glinting, dangerous. And shit, there was anorcin the library, and Lord Kaspar was here, if he found out there would be guards, blood,death—
But John didn’t move from behind the table. Only raised a single finger to his lips, his meaning very clear — so Rosa swallowed hard, gave a jerky nod, and then forced her heavy-feeling feet to move. To walk back through the stacks, her hands shaky and sweaty on her papers, her heart jamming her throat.
Lord Kaspar stood beside the lending desk, facing away from Rosa, his fingers tapping impatiently against his thigh. He was dressed in travelling-clothes, his boots smeared with mud, and his dark hair had grown longer than usual, curling over his ears. And in another world, another life, Rosa might have stolen up behind him, slipped her arms around his slim waist, and said, how might I serve you, my lord?
But today, Rosa felt her feet scrape to a stop a good distance away, well out of Lord Kaspar’s reach. While he slowly turned to face her, tall and imperious and undeniably beautiful, and flicked a tight, chilly glance all the way down her body, and back up again.
“You did return, after all,” he said finally, calmly, though palpable anger glinted in those lovely grey eyes. “You’d best have somethingveryimpressive for me, love. And onehellof an explanation.”
His gaze felt like a tangible force, and Rosa fought against it, raised her chin. “What do I need to explain?” she asked, with creditable steadiness. “You ordered me to research the orcs, and take whatever measures were required. So I did.”
Lord Kaspar’s mouth spasmed, barking a sound that might have been a laugh. “So youdidgo voluntarily to that hellhole,” he said, his voice thick with contempt. “Good gods, Rosa, I thought you werekidnapped. Because surely evenyoucouldn’t possibly be fool enough to believe alordwould ever order hismistressto go toOrc Mountain, forresearch!”
His mistress.Foolenough. Words that shouldn’t have been a surprise, but still crackled with a misery that took Rosa’s breath away. Enough that her own words felt locked in her throat, her body pinned in place, as Lord Kaspar came a swift, dangerous step closer.
