It was true, itwas, and she fought to relax again, to open — but the tension wouldn’t relent. And instead there was only more pressure, speaking of Simon’s displeasure, his disapproval, herfailure.
“Again youlie, woman,” he hissed from behind her, the words skittering up her trembling back. “You no honour me. You say Iabandonyou, you say I ammurderer! You ken thishonourme?!”
The utter unfairness of that seemed to kick Maria in the stomach — he truly thought she wasn’thonouringhim?! — and finally, somehow, there was the strength to jerk her head around, to meet his glittering, furious eyes.
“But I’mtrying, Simon!” she shot back, her voice nearly a wail. “I’m doing everything I can to trust you, and please you, and even gain your damnedrewards! And of course I don’twantto believe you’re a murderer, but what do you expect me to think, when you won’t even tell me why youkilledsomeone?! Or why Ulfarr’s now demandingyourlife over it?!”
And here was the understanding, sudden and bitter, that in the whole of this awful day, this was what hurt most of all. Not that Simon had wanted those other orcs, or even that he wanted this from her, or even, good gods, that he’dkilledsomeone — but because Maria desperately wanted to know him, tounderstand. But clearly he still didn’t trust her enough — didn’t evenlikeher enough, perhaps — to give her this one bit of truth.
And Simon’s face was an utterly unreadable mask, his mouth not speaking a word, not denying this, not even trying. So Maria gritted her teeth, braced herself, and shoved herself back further upon his still-prodding heft. Made herself feel, for the first time in this, the true width of him, the distinct hint of smarting, streaking pain…
Her gasps had already begun to sound like wheezes, her eyes starting to water — but she craved this,neededthis. Even as the rest of Ulfarr’s words thudded through her thoughts, ringing deep and powerful and true…
… need to despoil all that is fresh and pretty, until it is broken and begging at our feet.
And was that truly what Skai did? What Simon did? With this murder, with this very moment? Was he taking…satisfactionfrom this, from Maria’s failure, from the sounds from her throat that were sounding more and more like sobs? And he was supposed to be cleansing her, making her safe, making her forget, and she was supposed to be doing whatever it took, not caring, gaining herfreedom— but suddenly the panic and the chaos were jostling and crowding, shouting wide and frantic, consuming her whole.
The blood on Baldr’s mangled neck. The black magic no one had warned her about. The handsome orcs Simon had really wanted, the orcs she’d insulted, who’d then mocked her behind her back.A total shit fuck, compared to Simon. Only woman I buy. Because she reminded him of anorc.
And, louder still:Cheated Skai on rut. He no yet fuck her before us. Skai like pretty, unmarked things. Maria shall soon taste the ways of a true Skai mate. It shall come within days, possibly sooner, all you have shall be mine, twelve days…
And worst of all, the blood. Blood all over Simon’s walls, his hands, his body touching hers,insidehers. Blood and broken bones and screams Maria could still hear, ringing louder and louder through her ears…
“I — Ican’t, Simon,” she heard herself choke, her voice cracking. “You’re right. I can’t do this for you, not now. I” — she hauled in a shaky breath — “clearly I fail as a Skai. I fail at honouring you, and earning your trust. I’m not good enough. Iknow.”
And gods, she was fully weeping now, the water dripping from her blinking eyes straight onto the fur below — and behind her there was a sudden stilted silence. A clench of sharp claws against her hips, digging deep into her skin.
“I know you didn’t truly want me,” she gasped. “I know I only reminded you ofthem. Who you really wanted. And there’s nothing binding me to you, and I cheated the Skai, and I didn’t try hard enough, and I’m not evenpregnantyet — and that’s why you’re keeping me prisoner here. Why you can’t even tell me why youkilledsomeone.”
There wasn’t a sound behind her, not even his breath — but in a jerk of movement, he was gone. His heft and his heat and his hands vanished from Maria entirely, leaving her there on her hands and knees, empty and exposed and untouched. And that only seemed to make it worse, somehow, the sobs lurching out of her throat in hard, wracking gulps.
“I’m sorry,” she gulped. “I’ve been trying, Simon, I have, but it’s all so much, and so overwhelming, and there’s so much I don’t understand. And I know I’m already mostly broken, Iam, but I thought youknew, I thought you weresafe, I thought you were different from my husband. I thought you could give me afuture.”
And good gods, what was she saying, why was she babbling this shit, Simon was supposed topayher for her future, enable her to achieve it herself — notgiveit to her, not here, not like that. He was just an orc. She wasn’t supposed to care…
But Maria couldn’t seem to take it back, either, and she somehow sunk down to sit on the bed, her knees pulled tight to her chin, both hands clutched to her still-empty belly.
She’d failed. Lost. Defeated.
Simon was still standing there before her, his huge body unnaturally still, his previously swollen hardness hanging entirely flaccid again. Repulsed by her now, indeed just like her husband always had been, and Maria hugged her knees closer, and buried her wet cheeks against them.
“Maria,” came Simon’s voice, finally, low, hoarse. “I…”
Maria’s dripping eyes darted up, finding his bloody, scarred face. Staring straight back down toward her, his black gaze unblinking, his skin unusually pale beneath the streaks of dried blood.
“Ach,” he said, as his hand briefly rose to cover his eyes — and Maria realized his fingers were trembling, claws skittering against his skin. “I ought no —never— touched you, thus. Ought — send you away.”
The misery surged again, clutching at the pit of Maria’s stomach, and for an instant she thought she might be sick, right here on Simon’s bed. But no, no, if he trulydidn’twant her, if he truly never would trust her, if this was truly her husband all over again — then she would rather go. She would. She had to.
So she choked back the sob in her throat, and forced herself to nod. And then made herself stand to her feet, staggering slightly as she lurched toward the shelf. Toward that contract, still sitting on top of all his careful, childish writing.I am Simon. I am Enforcer of Orc Mountain.
She pawed for the contract with shaky fingers, finally clutching it on her third try, and then turned back toward him. To where he hadn’t moved, still standing there in the middle of the room, staring at her with those wide, unblinking eyes.
“Here,” she made her strangled voice say, her wavering hand outstretched. “You win. I’ll go.”
22
For a long moment, Simon only stood before Maria, and stared at her. His eyes wide and dark, his face pale, and Maria thrust the contract toward him again, her hand badly shaking, fluttering the paper in her fingers.
