He gave her another pat before turning and striding off, leaving Gwyn alone with a bright-eyed Rosa. Who wasted no time in ushering her toward a table, thrusting the midwifery book into her hands, and then setting her up with a fresh quill, a bottle of ink, and a brand-new, hand-bound, never-before-touched book for taking notes. A surprisingly thoughtful gesture, and when Gwyn expressed her astonished gratitude, Rosa only waved it away, her cheeks flushing pink.
“It’s just so exciting to have you here,” she said, her hands dropping to her rounded belly. “You might — make the difference for all of us, you know? For our sons, and our very lives. Ourfuture.”
The weight of those words seemed to plunge in Gwyn’s stomach, but she attempted another smile as she nodded, and opened up the midwifery book. And soon found herself fully absorbed in it, reading faster and faster, her thoughts whirling, her appreciation rising. The book’s author had clearly had extensive experience birthing orcs, and had carefully documented multiple case studies, and written of multiple fascinating methods and treatments.
It was intriguing enough that Gwyn found herself actually wanting to discuss it, and Rosa soon proved to be an informed and interesting discussion partner. And by the time Joarr finally returned, what felt like several hours later, not only had Gwyn finished reading the entire book, but she’d also filled multiple pages with notes, and talked until her throat was raw.
“Come, woman,” Joarr said, cutting off Rosa mid-sentence, and flicking an amused glance between them. “You must eat, ach?”
Now that he mentioned it, Gwynwasrather hungry, and after saying a warm farewell to Rosa — and even, gods curse her, promising to return again soon — she willingly accompanied Joarr back out into the corridor, and smiled up at his harsh face. “How was your meeting?” she asked. “Hopefully productive?”
He shrugged, and nudged her up a corridor to the right. “Ach, more of the same,” he said. “You? You make friends? Learn more for work? Find fun?”
Oh. Gwyn blinked at him, and felt herself slowly nodding, even as her eyes kept studying his unreadable profile in the lamplight. He’d taken her there so she would… find fun? Support her work? Makefriends?
And yes, surely, that was what he’d meant. And even though he personally didn’t enjoy spending time with the Ka-esh, he’d still made it happen, for her. Just the same as with Stella in the garden.
That odd tightness had returned, clamping around Gwyn’s chest, expelling her breaths. And she couldn’t even seem to speak as Joarr guided her into the kitchen, and promptly began making her yet another glorious-smelling, mushroom-filled meal.
“Thank you, Joarr,” Gwyn said, once they’d sat down together, and polished off most of the meal — which, once again, had proven to be delicious. “I can’t remember the last time someone actually went to the trouble of —”
She broke off there, her fork halfway to her mouth, because what had she been about to say? The trouble of caring? Of trying? Of cooking her a meal? Or, beyond her midwifery mentors, of doinganythingto support her, ever?
But a chagrined glance up at Joarr showed him only shrugging, tossing a mushroom in his mouth. “Your father never tend you?” he asked, with deceptive casualness. “Or thisbetrothed?”
His lip had slightly curled at that last bit, and Gwyn winced as she carefully speared another mushroom. “My father is far too preoccupied with himself — and his next fix of intoxicants — to notice anyone else’s needs,” she replied, her voice flat. “And Roy, he —”
She could feel Joarr’s eyes on her now, intent enough to be a touch, and she heard herself laugh, hard and bitter. “Roy is actually very similar to my father, in many ways,” she said, quiet. “He’s just better at hiding it. At making you think he cares. Making you into afoolfor him. Making youstupid.”
She was frowning resentfully down at her fork, squeezing it so tight the metal was digging painfully into her fingers — until Joarr’s hand covered hers, and gently tugged the fork away. “It is nostupidto care for others,” he said, voice low. “We all long for this, ach?”
Gwyn barked another laugh, and snapped her prickling eyes back up to his. “Itwasstupid,” she countered sharply. “I was a complete and utterpatsyfor Roy. Have you ever wondered how a lord’s daughter ended up training as a midwife? How a lord’s daughter would ever evenmeeta midwife?”
Joarr’s eyes had shifted into something Gwyn couldn’t quite read, his body gone very still, and she laughed again, gripping her hands to her knees. “Because I was sixteen, and a fool,” she hissed at him. “My mother was dead, my father was chasing women all over town, my brothers essentially forgot I existed. But Roy was there, he was kind and funny and sympathetic, andveryhandsome and dashing and experienced, and he —”
And he’d poured Gwyn full of pleasure, of affection, oflife. And even if it had never lasted, it had still been hers, in those shining, precious moments. Only hers.
Until that day, of course, when she’d discovered that her monthly courses were late. But even then, she’d still clung to it. Still borne it. Dismissed the questions, rationalized the uncertainty, accepted Roy’s caresses and apologies and empty promises…
“You no… birthed this man a son?” Joarr asked, after an instant’s silence, his voice very steady. “I no smell scent of this upon you, ach?”
Gwyn swallowed, shook her head. “I went to a midwife,” she said, in a rush. “And she gave me herbs. It was the most hellish two weeks of my life, but it worked. Itsavedme. Because even then, IknewRoy wasn’t going to settle down and marry me, right? Not even for that. And” — she gulped in air — “the midwife wassokind. She didn’t shame me, or tell another soul. And she even let me keep working with her afterwards, and it turned out that I really love plants, and doing this was a chance to — to pass it on. To help other women, too.”
And gods, Joarr’s eyes. Looking so blankly toward her like that, hiding so deep behind his mask. Because surely,surely, he was judging her. That awful situation had happened a full decade ago, and here was Gwyn,stillentangled with Roy and his constant rubbish. Which had now fully escalated into those appalling threats to destroy her garden. Her income. Her life’s work. Twenty days.
“And yes, I kept going back,” she said, toward the pan between them. “Foryears. And yes, if I’d been my own client, I would have told myself to throw him out the instant he ‘forgot’ to mention contraception. So if that’s not stupid, then what the hell is?”
She couldn’t even bear to look at Joarr now, not with the force of his judgement bearing down toward her, crushing her beneath it. Stupid. Stupid.Stupid…
“You are no stupid, woman,” cut in his low voice. “I ken this man work hard to keep you caught in his web. I ken he oft make this good for you. Make thisfun.Safe. Ach?”
Gwyn’s eyes snapped up, searching Joarr’s face — and suddenly, somehow, it didn’t actually look like he was mocking, or judging. Just waiting, maybe. Watching. Wanting her to speak.
“I suppose itwassafe,” she whispered dully, down toward the pan between them. “I always knew exactly where I stood with him, didn’t I? I knew he would always come back. I knew he was bound to me, because of the betrothal, and my father. I knew I always had that with him, no matter what.”
Joarr didn’t answer, didn’t make a sound, but now that Gwyn was speaking, it seemed impossible to stop. “And because what if that’s as good as it gets, for me? I’m well aware I’d only get male attention because of my father anyway, right? And you’re right, maybe itwasfun sometimes, Roy is gorgeous and charismatic andverygood in bed, and” — she sucked back a strained breath — “and we both know I havemajorweaknesses around such things!”
Her voice had unexpectedly risen as she spoke, angry,accusing— and far too late she’d realized what she’d just betrayed.We both know. Major weaknesses.
