“Look, Kesst, I — I’m sorry,” came Eft’s voice, thin and low. “I shouldn’t have implied that running makes you a coward. It doesn’t. Itwouldn’t.”
Kesst shook his head into his arm, because he was a coward, hewas— and Eft made a sound like a growl, a groan. “You are not,” his hard voice continued. “You aren’t, Kesst. You’re one of the bravest people I’ve ever met. The way you’ve dealt with Skald, it’s fearless. And it’s damn well terrifying, all right? I’ve never been so afraid of anything in all my life, I can’t even tell you, Kesst, Ican’t.”
His voice sounded surprisingly earnest, maybe even bleak, and Kesst could feel his hand, his magic, hovering over his back, and snatching away again. “And I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” he said, his voice lower, “about the… other side of my magic. You’re so clever, I thought maybe you would… you might…”
Kesst barked a brittle laugh into his arm, shaking his head, because he was not clever, clearly he wasn’t, he’d never imagined Eft as a killer, not once — and he could feel Eft’s sigh, thick and heavy on his bare back. “And that’s me putting it on you, again,” he said. “Because I also — I just — didn’t want you to see me like that. Didn’t want you to be — afraid of me. You’ve already seen so much, and faced so much, and I just —”
He broke off there, and that was another sigh, prickling against Kesst’s back. “I should have told you,” he continued, quieter. “I can heal people, and I can… not heal them. I know dozens of ways to bring death, or pain, or madness. I killed my first human when I was nine years old, and since then I have killed —”
He again stopped, his breath heaving out hard, and without at all meaning to, Kesst pushed up, and looked. Finding Eft sitting on the edge of the bed, his hands folded in his lap, his head bowed. His mouth tight, his scent tasting of grief, and of… guilt.
“Too many,” Eft continued, so soft, toward his hands. “So many. I went through a time when I was so angry, I killed any human who raised a hand against me. Men and women both. Old and young. I was the monster they wanted me to be, and Irevelledin it.”
Kesst felt his throat swallow, but he couldn’t seem to find his voice, his words — and before him, Eft barked a hoarse little laugh, his clawed fingers folding tightly together. “You haven’t killed anyone,” he said, even quieter. “Have you? I know the scent so well, you see, I can smell it on most of the orcs in this mountain. But you…”
He gave Kesst a brief, miserable smile, before dropping his gaze back to his hands. And Kesst couldn’t seem to face it, to follow it, and he rubbed his own hands at his wet eyes, stared past Eft at the darkness beyond.
“No,” he whispered, finally. “I haven’t killed anyone. But I stood there and let it happen. And then” — he drew his knees to his chest, wrapped his arms tightly around them — “I foundpleasurein what they gave me. I begged them for it, like the needy, greedy,ruinedcoward I am.”
Eft’s mouth twisted into another sad smile, his eyes again angling toward Kesst’s. “Not a coward,” he said, while a twitch of that stubbornness unfurled through the air. “And not ruined, either. I never should have said that, all right? I only meant how they’ve treated you, how they’ve hurt you, and the way it’s just so — sonormalto you. The way it’s affected how you think about yourself, and talk about yourself. It’s not right, Kesst, and it’s not true. Itisn’t.”
Something was tilting in Kesst’s chest, in his throat, but Eft was still speaking, shaking his head. “You keep talking as though you’re somehow guilty,” he continued, “whenthey’rethe ones who reek of death.They’rethe ones who trapped you here in this mess, and stole away all your other options. And so what if you found some pleasure with them? Our bodies aremadeto find pleasure, Kesst. It doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you. Nothing is wrong with you.Nothing.”
There was truly no way to answer this, Kesst’s body frozen and desperately listening on the bed, and Eft gave a heavy sigh, another regretful glance at Kesst’s eyes. “And if you really want to talk about guilt,” he added, his voice lowering, “I’ve committed a hell of a lot more sins than you have, Kesst. Dozens of times over.You’rethe innocent one in this room, all right? You’re probably the most innocent orc in this entire godsforsaken mountain.You.”
You. Kesst still couldn’t stop staring at Eft’s blank face, feeling all these impossible words jumbling through his thoughts, clanging against his ribs.You. Made to find pleasure. The most innocent orc…
But no. No. This cursed healer was doing it again, distracting Kesst again, breaking down all his defenses. And Kesst had to focus, had tothink, damn it, and he somehow managed to scoff a brittle laugh, and shake his head.
“Look, you don’t need to keep playing at all this anymore,Efterar,” he said, his voice wavering. “Even if you reallydidn’tmean to call me a ruined coward, the truth of it is, you still lied to me. You didn’t think I deserved to know the truth about your magic, even after I told you about mine. Even after I told Skald that…tale.”
The chills were streaking up his spine again, his shoulders hunching, his eyes dropping. “And you damn well did not tell me,” he continued, “why you actually came here. Why you’d even bother coming here, when you already had your own life elsewhere, with no connection whatsoever to this hellhole. Let me guess” — his voice hardened — “Grim probably brought you here on a term, right? Offered you plenty of gold? Maybe a pretty, willing wench or two? In exchange for what, Skald’s death? Or Kaugir’s, too?”
There was utter, empty silence from Eft, ringing with overpowering weight between them, and when Kesst finally glanced up, Eft’s face looked markedly pale, his throat visibly bobbing. “Not Kaugir’s,” he whispered. “Just Skald’s.”
Gods damn it. Damn Grimarr and Eft both, because even if Kesst had already known it, the bare spoken truth of it still seemed to strike him to horrible, miserable stillness. Eft had been Grimarr’s assassin. And neither one of them had said. Neither one of them had trusted Kesst to know.
“But look, I’ve fucked it up, all right?” Eft continued, his voice rising. “Skald almost immediately mistrusted me, and I keep losing my temper with the foul swine, and haven’t once been able to get close enough to touch him without raising suspicion. And now there’syou, and now I have a very clear motive for doing it, and that puts us all at risk. And I’m not even sure how I can possibly do it anymore, and now we only have this one day left, and —”
He’d been speaking very quickly, his eyes darting briefly toward Kesst, and away again. While Kesst still felt only cold, desolate stillness, his gaze frozen on Eft’s pale profile. Because not only had Eft never trusted him… but now it washisfault that Eft had failed?Hisfault that Skald was still alive? His fault that Skald had immediately mistrusted Eft…
Gods, what had Kesst done. How had he managed to ruin so much. And how the hell could he possibly fix this, how could he ever face himself again, what did he possibly have left…
This. Just this.
His trembling hand had somehow found Eft’s shoulder, his fingers spreading wide — and Eft’s glance at him was startled, surprised. But he wasn’t moving away, his throat again convulsing, and Kesst shifted closer, let his hand slide down Eft’s broad bare back.
“You’ll find a way,” he murmured, as smoothly as he could. “You’re completely brilliant, love, and the most stubborn orc I’ve ever met. And you’re right, I should have guessed all this, but now it all makes perfect sense, of course. And of course running away doesn’t make sense either, if dealing with Skald directly has been your plan all along, hmmm?”
Something shifted in Eft’s eyes, something Kesst couldn’t quite read, but he kept stroking, moving slightly behind Eft’s big body, now rubbing both hands at his stiff shoulders. “And I guarantee you,” he continued, keeping the smile on his face so Eft could still hear it, “Ol’ Grim is probably over there frantically whipping up plots as we speak, and he’ll likely show up back here with some fully formed master plan at any moment. And gods only know if you got a wink of sleep last night, what with you almostdyingon me. So you should relax for a little while, love, and lie back, and let me take care of you.”
And yes, yes, it was working, Kesst could just see Eft’s eyes fluttering closed, his tooth biting his lip. And when Kesst gently pulled at his shoulders, guiding him down toward the bed, Eft willingly went, and heavily sagged onto his back. Indeed looking truly exhausted, suddenly, what with the dark circles beneath his bleary eyes, the faint new lines around his mouth. But Kesst kept that smile on his face, kept his gaze warm and light on Eft’s, kept his scent as steady as he could.
“Good,” he murmured. “Just like that, love. Now tell me, what would you like most? Maybe you’ll let me ride that gorgeous prick of yours? Let me feel it rearrange my insides?”
Eft’s tired eyes fluttered again, a low, betraying growl hissing from his throat — and Kesst’s brief glance downwards indeed confirmed it, that still-shocking length prominently straining beneath his trousers. And when Kesst’s hand flitted down against it, it pressed powerfully up in return. Still wanting him, still wanting this from him, if nothing else.
“Good,” Kesst purred again, flashing Eft his best, hungriest smile, as he brought his other hand to his own rapidly swelling cock, still blatantly bared at his groin. “You know I’ve been dreaming about this, love. Wanting to feel you inside me. Wanting you to flood me so full of your seed, I never,everstop smelling of you.”
