When a large hand clapped onto her shoulder from behind, every muscle in her body tensed and she sucked in an unsteady breath.
“You okay, Mel?” Bobby asked from where he had dropped into a seat in the row behind her.
She dragged slow heavy breaths in and pushed short shaky breaths out through her nose, trying to steady her pulse. It was Bobby. Just Bobby. And she was an idiot anyway – they were in a public place, and Aidan was in a whole other country. No one would hurt her there. Her brain knew that. Her body didn’t seem so sure.
Bobby leaned forward, concerned now. “Sweetheart?”
She plastered a smile on her face, still feeling those other eyes on her. “I’m good. What’s up?”
He held out a pair of black character shoes. “You left these in the dressing room.”
She glanced at her feet, covered only in nude tights. She hadn’t even noticed she wasn’t wearing the shoes.
“Thanks,” she said as she took the shoes and slid them on.
Bobby gave her a look like he knew something was off and just couldn’t put his finger on it. She’d never actively hidden something from Bobby, but this… No, if she wasn’t going to press charges – and she’d decided months ago that she wasn’t – then she couldn’t bring anyone else into it.
“Hey, can we talk about Saturday night?” he asked.
“Forget about it,” she mumbled.
“Mel, I don’t want to forget about it,” he leaned farther forward, resting his forearms on the back of the pew she sat in so he could speak more softly. “I’m sorry I got sloppy. But I meant what I said.”
“It’s fine, Bobby.”
“Look,” he lowered his voice even more. “I know things with you and Aidan ended badly.”
She whipped her head around to look at Bobby, her eyes wide. What did he know? How did he know? The smile on his face fell away in a look of concern.He doesn’t know. She closed her eyes and forced herself to breathe again.
“You sure you’re okay?” Bobby asked again.
“Fine,” Min said with a pained smile that was more of a grimace.
“I just mean to say, I think we were both not at our best that night. You were trying to get over Aidan and I was…” He sighed. “Anyway, it doesn’t matter. I just don’t want this to get in the way of our friendship. You’re one of my best friends.”
“We’re okay, Bobby,” she said, turning to look at him. And she meant it. Except when she turned to face him, she caught the scent of whiskey that lingered on his shoes from the morning’s accident and suddenly she was a mass of tape and string again.
“We’re all gonna head to the wine bar after rehearsal if you want to come.” When she didn’t respond right away, he squeezed her shoulder, his brows drawing together when he felt the tension there. “But maybe you should just go back to the boarding house and get some rest, yeah?”
The scene on the stage ended and it was her turn. Her legs shook as she made her way up the few steps to the front of the church, self-consciously smoothing the skirt of her gown over her hips as she went. She found her circle of light center stage and squared her shoulders, lifting her face to look out at the audience, at the assembled castmates and coaches.
Dr. Jacobs winked at her and the accompanist began. She tried to center herself, but the music felt far away. Like she was adrift on a raft in the middle of a lake and Dr. Jacobs and the pianist were on the shore. She could barely see them, barely hear them over the fire crackling behind her eyes, the one that kept taunting her with flashes of images from the one night she wanted to forget. How could she be expected to focus when that fire was searing her throat and filling her lungs with smoke?
With a flick of his baton, Dr. Jacobs gave her cue and she choked out the first phrase, but then she couldn’t hear it. Her mind went blank and there was no music, no words. There was only a tightness in her chest, a crushing weight splintering her sternum, shards of bone piercing her internal organs.
Min doubled over, bracing her hands on her knees, gasping, the blood rushing in her ears too loudly to hear anything. She squeezed her eyes shut, chanting in her mind,Breathe breathe breathe you’re safe you’re safe you’re safe.
She dropped to her knees as the pain became too much, as that fire grew, the toxic fumes blocking out everything else.
“Min.”
It was a far-off whisper, a gravel-edged breath she felt all over, in the deepest parts of herself. She tried to breathe it in, to pull the oxygen from the rapidly shrinking bubble of fresh air at her feet.
“Everyone, take five!” Dr. Jacobs barked before turning his attention back to Min. She was only half-aware of her castmates shuffling around the church, of their mumbled concern as they filed out the front door.
A large, strong hand covered her own where it was pressed into the marble surface of the stage. Dr. Jacobs squeezed her hand and it was like the smoke parted a little, leaving just enough space for her to clearly see his skin pressed to her own.
“Come back to me, Min,” he said. “In through your nose, out through your mouth.” He demonstrated a few times before she started breathing in tandem with him. “Good. Focus on me. It’s just you and me.” A few more breaths, a little less smoke. “What’s one thing you can see?”
