“Doing what?” He shot her a look over his shoulder, half plea, half exasperation. “Oh,” she breathed, all the air knocked out of her as if she had just been sucker punched, kicked in the gut.
“It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have let it get this far.”
His back was to her again. If she could just see his face, maybe she could figure out where this was coming from. How had they gone from coffee cup poetry to this?
“If I misread – “
“You didn’t.” He turned back to her, his brow furrowed, his eyes so pained she wanted to wrap him in her arms. “But this has to stop.”
“Why?” She knew why. She had always known why.
“I will not jeopardize everything I’ve worked for – everythingyou’veworked for. If anyone knew…”
He ran his fingers through his hair again, his eyes begging her to understand. But there was something else there, too – a sadness so deep she could drown in it.
“I will not destroy us both.” He dropped his gaze, his hands on his hips as he took a deep, steadying breath.
“Is this what you really want?” Min took a step towards him, and he immediately took a step back, further away from her, like some heartbreaking dance. It stung in ways she didn’t know a simple step could.
“I’m sorry, for everything, Min – for Italy and the poetry and what I said at the bar. It was inappropriate.”
Tears caught in her eyelashes and she blinked to keep them from falling. “You didn’t answer my question.”
He was on her in an instant, backing her against the wall of his office and caging her in with his body, his hands on the wall at either side of her head. He leaned in so he was just an inch away from her and snarled, his breath hot against her skin.
“It’s taking everything I have not to take you on my desk right now,” he growled. “So no, this isn’t about what Iwant,Min. And I think you know that.”
Her breath came in shudders, desperate need pooling between her legs. There was something so undeniably attractive about him when he was like this – unhinged, because of her. She pressed her thighs together to quiet the ache. “What about what I want?”
“I’m no good for you,” he grated out between clenched teeth, even as his eyes dropped to her lips. “I’ll only hurt you.”
“I don’t think that’s true.” Min’s voice was low, almost a whisper. “Liam, please, look at me.” His eyes snapped to hers at the use of his first name, two pools so dark they were hardly blue anymore. She placed her hand on his face and he leaned his stubbled cheek into her palm, like a reflex, like he couldn’t help himself. “You’re worth the risk.”
He groaned and crowded closer, his hand tangled in her hair as he cupped the back of her neck, tilting her face up to his. “You’re killing me.” He grated out. “You and your goddamn Hemingway, and the way you look at me. Singing Marietta like you were fucking born to sing it. And you don’t even realize…” She moved her hands to the lapels of his blazer, bunching them in her fists to urge him closer. But he was immovable. “You deserve everything good in life. You should have anything you want.”
“I want you.”
He leaned his forehead against hers. “I will want you every day for the rest of my life,” he whispered, his voice strained, tormented. She gripped him tighter, as if she could make him stay if only she could maintain her hold on his blazer. “But this isn’t happening.”
He released her, taking a step back, and she watched in horror as he locked himself away, piece by piece.What just happened? How many times will this man shatter my heart?
“What are you so afraid of?” she asked, the lump at the base of her throat tightening as hurt turned to anger.
He ran his hands through his hair again so roughly it looked like he would pull it out by the root. “It’s inappropriate,” he repeated. “I’m your professor. I’m the adult –”
“Don’t act like I’m a child. I am as responsible for whatever thisis as you are,” she said, gesturing between them, even as he shook his head. She winced as the first tear slid down her cheek. “Liam.”
He lifted his gaze to hers again. Her tears fell faster as she took in his eyes, hollow imitations of the blazing blue grey she knew so well. Those eyes that had pulled her out of her own darkness, that had coaxed her into the light with the promise that he’d catch her – there was no more sanctuary for her there. He’d erected a wall between them.
“You should go,” he said, his voice devoid of any emotion.
She grabbed her bag and got out of his office as quickly as she could, practically running across campus. His words echoed in her head like a promise, like a curse:I will want you every day for the rest of my life.
Chapter Nineteen
Over the next month, rehearsals and classes passed in a blur. There was no more coffee cup poetry. Every time Min met Dr. Jacobs’ eyes across the rehearsal room, her stomach knotted. From the dark circles under his eyes, she imagined he was sleeping as poorly as she was. What sleep she did manage came after crying herself near to sickness, the sound of his voice speaking French playing from her earbuds on repeat.
Jeff had continued accompanying her coachings. Dr. Jacobs and Min maintained a precarious façade that she wasn’t dying to touch him, screaming inside for him to justlookat her with even a fraction of what she used to see in his eyes, to knock down the wall he had built between them.
